


Her Everything Series

by Kattwyllie



Category: SVU
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:22:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 48,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27293383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattwyllie/pseuds/Kattwyllie
Summary: Inspired by a dialogue prompt that inspired the one shot story before I realized it could be fleshed out into a full series
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Reader
Comments: 56
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

The day you first met Rafael Barba your squad was already on edge, in the middle of a huge shuffle up, your actual Captain out on leave, Captain Harris doing the best he could attempt to wrangle all of you despite your constant scoffs and eye rolls. You were all frustrated, drained, and sick of the constant revolving door that seemed to be the front entrance to Manhattan SVU. You were dealing with a high profile case and had no permanent A.D.A, the last Bureau Chief herself having been arrested over fraud and conspiracy. You’d followed Benson and Rollins into his office as he was spewing off questions and sharp whittled statements faster than you could even imagine. When he suddenly rounded on the three of you and asked about the victim, 

“Is she credible?” You couldn’t help the sarcastic laugh that escaped your lips. 

His frozen eyes casted to you, giving you the once over as he replied to Amanda’s question. He’d barely even noticed you come into the office, another new face he’d have to pretend to get to know, _great._ You looked enough of the part, business casual, badge clipped to your hip, arms crossed across your chest as the conversation continued. Unlike the other two, your boots were flat, opting for comfort and efficiency when chasing perps and being on your feet all day. He thought you looked pretty fresh faced, potentially just out of the academy, having just earned your Detective’s shield. Which was exactly what he _didn’t_ want to deal with, it meant more arguing, more bringing up laws that he’d spent years dragging over to deflect your bullshit cop ideas, reminding you about all the things they failed to teach you in during your training.

You noticed the instant coolness from him, nearly rolling your eyes at his behaviour, thankful over the next few cases that he appeared to not be moving into your jurisdiction quite yet. You’d never understood why full grown adults couldn’t just be fucking professional, it never mattered to you what your personal relationship was with someone, you would always be courteous around them in the work place. (Aside from the usual back and fourth banter that came naturally between detectives and their A.D.A).

It was nearly a month later when Rafael Barba was appointed the official A.D.A of Manhattan’s Special Victims Unit, at least now Captain Cragen was back in charge and there was some sense of normalcy around the precinct, at least within your specialized squad. Internally, you’d rolled your eyes, but you knew he was a good prosecutor and _eventually,_ would probably make a good fit with the team.

It took a couple of cases for everyone to warm up to each other, currently, you were gathered in the bull pen, you’d been out questioning a witness while the team worked through the case. Your eyes scanned across the white board, drinking in the information taped to and written on it, listening to the intel the squad was rattling off. You dropped into your desk chair, letting out a huff of a sigh, 

“Everything we have is circumstantial. Not to mention according to penal code 487 we can’t charge him with rape 1 we have sexual misconduct 3 at best. AND there’s a pretty high chance the confession’s going to be thrown out, no judge is going to fall for that and if they do the defence attorney will have the witness barred with subpoena’s before we can even make it to trial. We need more.”

You felt the heat of multiple sets of eyes on you. As much as you’d expected the A.D.A’s, you didn’t realize the entire squad would be so confused. You simply shrugged, glancing amongst them, not surprised when Barba spoke first,

“What, you pick up a law catalogue while waiting for a warrant last week?” He snapped, causing you to snort, throwing your head back in a laugh, missing the way the Cuban’s eyes traced the column of your throat.

“No. My Mom was an A.D.A in Queens, moved up to Bureau Chief until she made the bench. There were more law books than colouring books in the house growing up. I think I know what I’m talking about _counsellor.”_

It was only after that day he began to treat you like an actual human, realizing your knowledge about the law and how you easily you worked through it. You were always good with cases, and now things made even more sense, especially as he decided to creep a bit, digging deeper, finding more about your family. Your Mother had been one of the best lawyers the Queen’s D.A office, she moved up to be Bureau Chief and then an even more decorated Judge before she’d been brutally murdered by a perp who got out on a technicality, that blamed her for everything. Thankfully, he’d been thrown in lock up for that accusation and taken to Sing Sing right after for life. Rafael remembered hearing of the murder, he’d even studied multiple cases your Mother had worked throughout the years. He hadn’t made the connection to you since you’d changed your last name after the incident, you were incredibly proud of where you came from, it was only at the insistence of an Aunt that you became a Wilkes.

After Rafael creeped through your life, he realized just how much you had been through, how much you were educated on that could help SVU make more rock solid cases, and thus, convictions. He could always tell which files came from you versus the rest of the squad, they were more detailed, post it notes stuck in the margins with scribbles of things like _‘people v Martin, 2004’_ or a page number of a law book retaining to the case. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the rare ones that had little sarcastic comments, things that became inside jokes, unspoken between the two of you except for on those mini purple papers.

As time went on, the two of you ended up became more friendly towards each other, Rafael often requesting you to be the detective that he’d have to deal with. He was quick to find out that you’d been working with SVU for years already, your youthful look thanks to a lot of retinol and lucky genes, that you were years older than he would have guessed. He was ever thankful for your previous knowledge of the law, being able to not only toss things aside before you brought them to him, but the fact that you were always on point in your reports. Oliva started to make sure you were the one she sent on tricky cases, knowing that you had the ferocity and knowledge to fight back against the silver tongued lawyer. 

It was a particularly gloomy afternoon in March when you swung by Barba’s office to drop of a few case files. There was little to no banter between the two of you and he noticed the usual spark in your eye had dimmed intensely, barely an ember of a glow exuding from you. Not wanting to pry, he held his tongue, hoping it didn’t have to do with developments in the case. Instead he wished you a warm goodnight that you returned with a tight smile before leaving his office. It was only while he was picking through cold take out an hour later that he flipped through the Times and realized what exactly was eating you.

It was as if it was muscle memory that you ended up at Beekman, your original intention had been to go home and soak in the world’s hottest bath, letting it melt away the agony of the day. But instead, there you were at the end of the bar, staring a hole into the glass of scotch in front of you. You didn’t notice the gust of chilled air when the door blew open, lost in thought until a familiar voice broke through.

“Fifteen years and it still feels like yesterday, right?” You glanced up, slight confusion across your face as Rafael ordered a drink for himself and a fresh one for you, “It was in the paper.” He shrugged as if that explanation explained everything, sliding the new scotch over to you.

“You read everyone’s jackets or just mine?”

“What?”

“How else would you make the link?” You tipped back the final sip of amber liquid in your first glass, letting it warm through your body.

“I-uh” Rafael rubbed at the back of his neck, not totally wanting to meet your eye, “I may have done some digging on your Instagram.” That made you snort, and he joyed at the sight of a genuine smile on your face.

“Never would’ve thought you were the type of person to know how to _use_ Instagram.”

“It..was a learning process.”

“You got Carmen to do it for you.” He chuckled at the deadpan tone of your voice, calling him on his bluff instantly.

“Yeah I did.” Shooting him a small smirk you picked up the drink he’d bought you, 

“Thanks.” He nodded softly, watching the way your lips wrapped around the rim of the glass, tearing his eyes away just in time to not get caught staring. A brief moment of pause took over until you let out a weary sigh, hands idly playing with the glass.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not much to talk about. Just kinda sucks losing your biggest and only supporter.”

“I’m sorry.” He reached over, hand reassuringly squeezing at your arm.

“Thanks.” You gave him a soft smile, but even in the dim light of the bar he could see the misting of tears in your eyes.

“I take it your Father’s not in the picture then?”

“Nah, took off when I was three. No other family left around.” You hadn’t exactly planned on opening up, but the warmth from Rafael’s hand remaining on your arm relaxed you, his thumb occasionally rubbing your skin soothing, pulling the words from your lips.

“You two must’ve been close.”

“Thick as thieves.” You smiled at the memories, “I like to think she’d be proud, knowing that I’m taking down perps, keeping other cop’s toes in line thanks to what she taught me.”

“I know she would be.” He met your eyes with a small smile, “Besides, someone’s gotta keep those idiots inside the law, Cragen seems barely able to control them half the time.” You let out a small laugh, 

“Poor guy, honestly sometimes I’m sure he feels like he’s running a pre-school.”

The conversation started to flow in a more positive direction from there, starting out with a little bit of squad gossip vs shenanigans at Hogan Place before dipping more into smaller stories of your own personal lives. Rafael was surprised with how at ease he was talking to you, sharing things that no one else from the squad knew, not that he’d spent too much time with any of you at that point. After all, he’d only been with the Manhattan team just over eight months. 

You shared a plate of zucchini fries and indulged in a couple more glasses of scotch over the next hour or so. Rafael was a quarter way through an anecdote when he realized your eyes had flitted up to the t.v behind the bar, attention drawn there instead of his words. The evening news was on, and naturally, just like the paper, they were covering the murder’s anniversary. He watched the way your shoulders slumped again, the bliss being sucked right from your body. You sighed, reaching for your wallet, tossing down a handful of bills to cover your tab.

“I should get going.”

“You sure?” He questioned, not wanting to leave you alone in a time of grief.

“Yeah..” You tugged on your coat, “Don’t exactly want to be seen crying in a public bar. This was…nice..thank you.” Meeting his eyes you gave him an authentic smile that he felt down to his gut, knowing the unspoken words between your dialogue. You had just turned to leave when you felt his hand gently close on your wrist

“Hey…” He tugged you back to him as he stood from the bar stool and honestly, you were a little surprised when he wrapped his arms around you in a hug. You nestled into his shoulder, arms finding their way around his back as your body practically melted against his. The day had been a rough one, and it was certainly far from over, but you felt a sense of relief, a weight lifting off you at the embrace. You realized then just how long it had been since you’d hugged anyone that wasn’t a victim, and in those situations you were the one who needed to stay strong. Rafael felt a sliver of a shudder run through your body as you let out a shaky breath, he tightened his arms for a moment before you gently pulled away.

“Thanks…” You glanced over your shoulder, as if the intent on leaving the bar was still there, but you remained in front of him, “Uhm…this is going to sound wildly unprofessional and perhaps too up front, but would you maybe wanna come over and watch a movie or something? I could really use some platonic cuddling, ya know, releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy, and happy people don’t kill their husbands.” Rafael chuckled, 

“Did you just quote Legally Blonde to me?”

“I- the fact that you _knew_ that was a Legally Blonde quote piques my interest Counsellor.”

“My Mami and Abuelita love it, made me watch it with them when I finished law school. It..kinda became this silly tradition to watch it together on birthdays.” He flushed slightly at the adorable sound of your small giggle.

“That. Is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Let that slip to the squad and I’ll have your head.” He turned back to the bar, tossing down some cash before pulling on his coat. 

“Secret’s safe with me.”

Back at your apartment you offered him a drink, an attempt at being a gracious hostess and with the idea that it might make things seem a little less awkward. You picked a cheesy comedy and dropped down onto the couch beside Rafael, who tentatively raised an arm onto the back of the couch. You shot him a half nervous smile before settling into the crook of his shoulder, tugging a blanket into your lap, your hand coming to rest on his chest. You let out a hum as you felt his arm wrap around your shoulders, your attention now turned to the movie. 

Rafael wasn’t sure if it was the fact that he hadn’t had anyone in his arms like this in what felt like too long, or if it was the fact that it was _you_ snuggled up against him. But you certainly were right, it released endorphins, and for the first time that month, he definitely was happy.


	2. Chapter 2

Over the next couple of weeks you were more than thankful that things weren’t awkward with Barba. You knew there’d be a chance the whole cuddling thing would throw a wrench into whatever amount of friendship you had previously forming. Neither of you brought it up, and were both buried deep in work for the first bit afterward you didn’t really see each other at all. 

You were supposed to be going over a perp’s financials, but you found yourself continually reading over the same line on the screen, eyes glazing over the information as your mind began to wander. You liked Rafael, that was for certain, once you’d broken down his exterior wall you’d began to notice the other layers of him, including the one that was devilishly handsome. Being a professional, the thought had never really crossed your mind. Sure, you admired his exquisite three piece suits, the way they were tailored perfectly to his strong form, those piercing green eyes, the confident slightly cocky smirk, nearly always splayed across his lips. You just admired from afar. He was simply the A.D.A that you playfully bantered with during work hours. 

Until that night..you got to know more about the real Rafael, the Rafael that grew up in the Bronx, was a scholarship kid, had survived his fair share of struggles and fought like hell to get to where he was today. The Rafael Barba that watches Legally Blonde at least once a year, the man who willingly let you curl up against him in order to feel better, to feel appreciated, and like you weren’t alone. You began to entertain the idea, daydreams floating through your head at what it would be like dating the elusive Rafael Barba. It couldn’t just be all black tie galas, evening’s spent at the theatre, summers spent on yachts surrounded by Manhattan’s finest. When you’d first met, that’s what your assumption would’ve been, that, just like so many prosecutors in town, his lifestyle as lavish as all of theirs. 

Now you wondered how often he saw his Mami, if he helped his Abuelita with groceries each week (though if the woman was anywhere near as stubborn as he was…) if he kept in touch with anyone he grew up with in the Bronx. Obviously there would be lots of late nights, cancelled dates, missed celebrations, but it wasn’t like your career wasn’t just as demanding, not to mention you understood. It was half the reason you didn’t date, it just wasn’t worth it anymore. They usually ran scared when they found out what you did for a living, and if they stuck around long enough to actually make a commitment there was the constant complaining of you spending too much time on the job, leaving in the middle of dates or the middle of the night. You always tried to reason with them, explaining that you had to _help_ people, and this was a 24/7 job, you couldn’t just not answer the phone. The one boyfriend who had done his best to stick through it left the second he was introduced to Amaro, unaware that your partner was not only a man but also as flirtatious as Nick was. After that, you’d simply called it quits on the thought of having someone all together.

Your mind started to drift into the pitiful small string of attempted conquests, the men picked up from bars in an attempt to distract yourself from being lonely. The usually boring, one and done pump interactions before you kicked their asses to the curb. An image of Rafael’s hands flashed through your mind and you shifted uncomfortably in your chair, this was not the time or the place to be thinking about jumping in bed with a coworker, yet here you were. His embrace had been so welcomed, warm and comforting, you could only imagine what it would feel like to be wrapped around his body while he plunged into you. You’d just tugged your lip into your mouth at the thought when Cragen’s voice caused you to jump, coming back to reality.

“Wilkes! Barba wants all the files for the Thompson case by the end of the day, take ‘em over there once you’re done with them.”

“Yeah Cap.” You called back, hoping your heated cheeks weren’t visible to everyone in the bullpen. The Thompson case files were already completed thankfully. You did a quick flip through them, making sure all the information was there, stopping to add a quick post it note to the third page about something that would establish pattern. Grabbing your phone you pulled on your coat, quickly checking the time on your watch, it was just past noon, you hoped Rafael wouldn’t be out by the time you got there.

Giving a warm smile to Carmen you quickly knocked on Barba’s door before entering the office, gently shutting the door behind you. Rafael glanced up from his paperwork, despite knowing someone from SVU was coming, and knowing it would probably be you, he still felt his heart beat a little bit faster at the sight of you. 

“Sorry if I took too long, I made a pit stop.” You smiled, holding up a bag of take out as you moved through the room.

“Thought I asked for case files, not lunch.” He smirked back at you, causing you to giggle softly.

“Don’t worry I brought those too,” you dropped the files onto his desk as you took a seat in the chair across from him, “They just come with a side of ginger beef.” You began unpacking the take out, placing the container and a pair of chopsticks on an empty spot of his desk.

“So, what? This case completely circumstantial? Felt like you had to bribe me with food?” You chuckled at his sass, settling back in the chair, pulling a leg under you as you popped open the lid of your lunch open.

“No..” You shrugged, munching on a bite of noodles, “Just figured I owed you for the other night.” He _definitely_ felt his heart rate pick up at that. It was the first mention of the evening you’d spend snuggled in each other’s arms since it happened, and he would certainly be lying if he said he _didn’t_ want it to happen again. 

“Well now I’m just gonna have to owe you for this.”

“Then all you have to do is buy me a drink on Friday.” You shot him a smirk that caused his cheeks to flush slightly, ever thankful your attention was immediately drawn to your lunch instead of him.

“Oh?” He cocked a brow, “Well I guess Tavern 29 does have a pretty decent happy hour.”

“Tavern 29, really? That your style Counsellor?” You couldn’t help the playfull grin on your cheeks, enjoying the back and fourth extending into flirting territory today.

“They’ve got an incredible prosciutto fig flatbread.” Your face scrunched at the thought, not sounding appealing in the least. Rafael laughed, “they’ve also got your favoured parmesan truffle fries.”

“Sold!” You smiled across at him, mentally marking it in your calendar, knowing that plans could change at the last minute. A comfortable silence blanketed over the office as you both dug into your meals, eager to get some fuel into your bodies. After a few moments, he spoke again, 

“Your partner busy today or you still flying solo?” You glanced up, giving a soft sigh, 

“Nick’s still out, Cragen’s orders.” You swallowed down a gulp of water, “He’s a wreck. I’m not surprised, I mean…finding out you have ten year old you never knew about…that’s rough. Family means everything to him, he’s upset he wasn’t part of Gil’s life from the start, he’s stressed about how Maria and Zara are going to deal with the entire thing, it’s just a giant mess.”

“I can imagine.” You took a moment of pause, chewing over some chicken, 

“You ever think about any unknown kids out there?” Rafael nearly froze, a scrunched face meeting your gaze.

“Kids of _mine_?”

“Well yeah…” you started, “I mean, it’s not like I can have any mystery kids, I think I would know. But..it’s a little harder with men..” He paused slightly, staring down into the take out container as he thought through his history, 

“I..guess I’ve never thought about it.” His eyes finally met yours again, “I mean, I’ve always been safe but..you never know when something might not work.”

“You’d wanna know, right? I get special circumstances, you birth your rapists baby, he doesn’t deserve shit, an abusive ex or partner, fuck him. But..if it was just a Tinder hook up gone wrong, don’t they have a right to know?”

“Legally, if they’re not on the birth certificate, nothing can be done.” You outwardly laughed at that, a sparkle in your eyes when you met Rafael’s.

“You know I’m not talking about legalities right now Barba.” He held his hands up in submission,

“Okay, okay you win. I’d want to know. It might not be something that’s on my plate right now, but I’d never want to leave someone out there alone without my support in a situation that was half my fault. Plus Mami would murder me if I did.” You chuckled at his reply, 

“See…Rafael Barba isn’t all cold and ice like SVU thinks he is.” He didn’t miss the gleam in your eyes at your comment, the air in the room heavy with flirtation again. 

“They can think all they want, but you know I’m not like that.” Your face softened as you dug at the bottom of your take out container, 

“That’s very true…you want me to tell them about Legally Blonde?”

“No!” He shot back faster than you could imagine, his heart jumping into his throat as you laughed gleefully at his reaction.

“Don’t worry, I won’t. Like I said, your secret’s safe with me Rafael.” His name on your tongue was like fucking silk to his ears, he could practically feel the peak of his ears pinken at the sound.

“Good.” He shot you a smile, “how about you, you holding up okay?” You paused, feeling the tightness in your chest increase slightly,   
“Yeah…It’s a yearly thing I have to deal with. I think this year was just worse cause it was all over the media. Thank you..for your help.” 

Your wary eyes met his across the desk and you felt that same emotion you’d felt when he’d hugged you in the bar. You wanted nothing more than the desk to vanish, to be held against his frame, you couldn’t help but imagine what his lips would feel like against yours, how his arms would tug you to him tightly, the taste of his tongue as it probed into your mouth. You jumped when your phone went off, quickly checking the message, thankful for the excuse to tear your eyes away from the emerald gaze.

“We caught a lead on the Dorsey case, I’ve gotta run.” You murmured, making sure to gather all the things you needed that you’d came with as you tugged on your coat.

“Thanks for lunch.” Rafael stood, with the intention of walking you to the door, but you were much to fast for him, “I’ll see you Friday?” He practically called across the office, you tossed a grin over your shoulder as you nearly ran past Carmen’s desk,

“Of course.” You called back, hurrying from the building.

Rafael gave a heavy sigh, dropping down into his desk chair, his plan on continuing on his opening arguments entirely useless now. He knew he’d be too distracted by the image of your face, the smile spread across your cheeks, the way you bantered with him, that turned from playful to flirtatious. More importantly, the way that your body was so welcoming against his, how natural it had felt cuddling you, like you actually belonged in his arms. He hadn’t felt like that in ages, in years, he was hesitant to explore the option, not wanting to ruin the relationship you already had, but he couldn’t help it. As he tried to work through arguments that afternoon his mind kept drifting to you, wondering what a life would be like with you. There was no doubt in his mind that there had been something sparked between the two of you, he just needed to know if you felt it too, and he desperately didn’t want to have to wait until Friday to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

Friday rolled around at a tortuously slow pace, not to mention you spent the entire day in the field with Nick chasing down one dead lead after another. You’d barely had time to finish your coffee before Cragen hurried the two of you out of the squad room, only shooting off quick texts to update the others between work places and apartments. You’d all but skipped lunch, managing to split a bagel with your partner sometime during the afternoon. Finally you were able to return to the squad room to pick up a couple of things you’d need before going home. 

The bull pen was basically empty as you dropped into your desk chair, sighing heavily, thanking Nick for the fresh though, crappy, cup of coffee. You flipped open your notebook and a case file, beginning to add the information you’d gathered through the day to it, comparing against the few voice memos in your phone. Cracking open your laptop to send a quick email off to your Captain, your eyes shot to the purple post it clinging to the corner of the screen, your brow furrowing slightly before a small grin took over your lips. The only place you ever used post it notes was in case files headed to the D.A’s office, the scrawl across it simply read _‘Tavern 29. 8pm, don’t forget. R.’_ You wondered how he’d managed to sneak it on there without anyone noticing, or if he’d made some outlandish excuse as to why he’d need to slip a note for a detective. Plucking it from the screen you grabbed a small manila envelope from your desk, placing the note inside before tossing it into your bag. Glancing at your watch you realized you were much more short on time that you’d thought, doing your best to speed through the reports, shooting the email off to Cragen with a quick huff. 

You said a hasty good night to Nick as you collected your things and sped to the elevator. You’d wished you’d had time to run home, you hated going out for personal reasons with a gun and shield still attached to your body, but you were already late and the last thing you’d want was for Rafael to think you were standing him up. Lord only knew that would result in a hell of a lot of eye rolls, steely looks and shot down ideas over the next…oh..year or so.

*

Rafael had settled into a high top table with a glass of scotch in an attempt to calm his nerves. He hated feeling like this, he was one of New York’s finest prosecutors, he dealt with some of the worst criminals on a daily basis. Yet here he was, brain scrambling over what he could possibly talk about with a pretty girl, despite the fact that you’d already had plenty of sharp witted conversations, this was different. He’d just ordered his second when his attention was drawn to the frantically swung open door. Your hand shoved your loose hair back from your face, glancing around the bar quickly before your eyes found him, an elated smile breaking out on your cheeks. You quickly made your way over to the small table, shedding your jacket and bag as you went.

“Hey! I’m so sorry I’m late today got crazy we were out in the field all day I barely got your note in time and still had to finish reports.” He chuckled softly, 

“It’s okay.”

“No it’s not,” you huffed, “I can’t be late on the first..night..sets a bad example, pretty low standard to meet from now on.” You were definitely flustered, trying to cover your steps.

“Hey…” Rafael’s hand grasped your wrist, pulling you back to reality, “I know exactly how demanding your job is.” You relaxed at the gentle green gaze staring back at you, feeling the tension dissolve from your body, “And I could’ve called or sent a text instead…”

“Yeah..” Your eyes casted down quickly and he didn’t miss the flush on your cheeks, “The post it was super cute though.” Thankfully, or…unthankfully, you were interrupted by a server at that point, you ordered a glass of rose and asked for a food menu, the rumble in your stomach even apparent to Rafael.

“Take it you skipped lunch?” He smirked from across the small table. You shot him a grin, 

“I split a bagel with Amaro.”

“Split a bagel? That’s not substantial.” He teased, 

“Oh please, you survive of snacking not actual food.” You shot back, “Besides, I knew I had plans with someone who promised to foot the bill. I’m just being resourceful.” He laughed outwardly at that and you couldn’t help the warmth flowing through your body.

“So that’s how it’s gonna be?”

“That certainly is how it’s gonna be.” You smiled over the rim of your wine at him, happy with the way things seemed to be shifting.

“You guys manage to find anything?”

“No..” You let out a weary sigh, “But you know how it is at Hudson U, no one knows anything and if they do the school’s squashed down any accusations or statements.”

“You think they’re hiding something?”

“I _know_ they are.” You met his eye with a strong glance before you diverted your attention to the menu, “I’ve never understood it, the whole disciplinary hearing thing. Sexual assault on campus is still sexual assault, it should be handled by the police not campus security, it’s fucking bull shit.” Rafael felt a surge of admiration at your comment, he knew how tricky these university cases were, especially at Hudson. It was always a struggle, and you seemed even more passionate than the rest of the squad at the matter at hand. “Sorry…” You shook out of it, a weak smile glancing up to meet his, “I don’t mean to drag you down with work talk. I’m sure you had a better day?”

“Arraignment on the Herman case. Had about four subpoenas served on the Malice case and Calhoun’s going for a 730 hearing on the Delmont case.”He gave you the best of a soft smile that he could.

“So we are deserving of these drinks then.”

“Very.” He smiled as you caught his eye, raising your drink in a cheers to him, sipping back a large amount of wine. It was only a few moments later that the waitress came back over to get your food orders and you fell into a friendly conversation, the alcohol helping the back and fourth flow easily between the two of you. You caught yourself shamelessly flirting, not missing the way that the bar stools began to move closer together everytime one of you had an excuse to get up.

Your meals came quickly, Rafael somehow managed to convince you to try a bit of the fig flatbread, which you deemed as edible but not something you’d ever order. After your plates were cleared and a fresh round of drinks were dropped off at the table, Rafael leaned back in his chair, sleeves rolled up as he glanced over at you,

“What made you choose SVU?” He asked, nearly expecting you to weigh your options but you launched right into a response.

“My Mother.” You hummed over a sip of wine, “I think she always wanted me to go into law. She was always talking about how sex crimes cases needed a certain type of person working them, someone who was strong and brash enough to handle the perps but soft enough to help the victims through everything. I considered a number of different paths but…this one just fit the best.” Shrugging, you glanced up at him, “What about you?”

Rafael nearly flushed, avoiding your gaze slightly as he found his scotch much more interesting, swirling it before taking a hefty swig.

“I-uh—it kinda fell into my plate. I didn’t expect to be as passionate about it when I first started, but…SVU takes on most domestic violence cases and…” He trailed off, unable to look up until he felt your hand squeeze around his arm gently.

“I’m sorry…” 

“You don’t have to be.”

“Raf..” His heart picked up at the way his nickname softly echoed off your lips with such ease, “I’m a detective, not a dumbass.”

“Please don’t mention this..”

“Relax.” You squeezed his arm again, “I’m not some gossip like Rollins. Besides, I keep secrets for the people I really like.” You shot him a smile, giving him a quick squeeze before leaning back in your chair, “Now…Batman or Superman?” He chuckled lightly,

“Batman.”

“Oh, come on! You only like Batman ‘cause he’s all about fancy galas and three piece suits!”

“And what! You like Superman because?”

“Neither. Wonder Woman. She’s a literal God.” You shot back a smirk, sipping at your drink, glint in your eye as you met Rafael’s.

Both of you were thankful for the way you were able to so quickly slip back into a playful flirty banter with each other. The trauma of the day and your pasts easily able to slip between your fingers as you continued to flirt. The bar stools were basically side by side by now as you sipped on the tail ends of your drinks, your breath hitched slightly as Rafael’s hand found its way to your leg. He wasn’t imposing, simply resting it there, making sure you were okay with everything before his thumb began softly rubbing at it encouragingly. 

The next time the waitress came by to ask if you needed another round you hesitantly glanced between each other, both of you not wanting the evening to end but knowing it was now or never. Barba swiftly asked for the bill, and despite his earlier offer to pay you still protested, eventually managing to pay for the tip at the very least. The two of you made your way to the street a few minutes later, a hesitancy as you both glanced around before Barba eventually spoke, 

“I-uh..I’m only a block or two away..if you’ll walk with me I can call you a car?”

“Of course.” You smiled at the man. Boldly, you grabbed his hand, linking your fingers with his as you made your way through the New York streets. It had finally began to warm up, then air of the evening not as brisk as you’d expected. Your conversation casually continued over the city streets, and you had to admit, you were a little sad when Rafael tugged at your arm, signalling that you were at his building.

“This is me.” He gave you a warm smile as his free hand began to reach into his coat to order you a car.

“Wait!” Your hand clasped onto his wrist, moving it down to his side as you stepped closer to him. It really was now or never. Your heart felt like it was about to explode out of your chest, you were about to risk your entire professional and friendly relationship over this but you didn’t really care. Your hand cupped his cheek softly as you moved towards him, lips meeting his cautiously. The kiss was gentle, quick, just lips meeting lips before you pulled away, both of you breathing heavily as you searched each other’s faces. You knew you should accept the car, go home, not follow through, but the fire in Rafael’s eyes was all you wanted to see. He knew he shouldn’t, that fucking…dating…whatever it would end up being, within the department wasn’t ideal, but he simply couldn’t resist it, especially once he’d felt your lips agaisnt his. His hand grasped at your hip, tugging you to his body as your lips met again, this time with much more fire than he’d expected. Your arms wrapped around his neck, a small groan escaping your lips as his tongue delved into your mouth. You felt a hand cup at your ass while the other cupped your head, burying into your hair. It felt like an eternity of a make out session on the sidewalk before he finally pulled away, lust blown pupils meeting yours.

“Do..do you want to come up?”

“Yes.” You husked, barely able to tear yourself away from his body.

Neither of you could help yourselves, once upstairs you were promptly tearing clothes off each other, murmuring sweet nothings about how gorgeous the other one was until Rafael directed you into the bedroom. He had one hand wrapped tightly around your waist while the other one began to toy with your folds. You let out a gasp against his lips when his fingers circled at your clit, a hand attempting to grasp his cock before you felt yourself shoved down against the bed.

“Tonight’s about you.” He muttered, climbing over your body. 

Settling in against you his lips met yours again as his hand cupped your heat. Your moan echoed through the room as his lips kissed down the side of your neck, hips thrusting up off the bed, begging for more. A gasp escaped your lips as he slid a finger in, pumping slowly though your heat. Rafael couldn’t help but groan at the sounds coming from your soaked pussy, the squelching nearly too much for him. He increased the speed of his hand. As much as he wanted to drag this out, to torture you as much as he could, edge you until you were absolutely begging, he’d wanted you too long, he knew he wouldn’t last. You let out a yelp as he sat up, watching his fingers disappear into you while his free hand hit your clit, circling heavily and quickly. You let out a series of whines, feeling the coil burning within you as your hips shot off the bed, coming with a shake.

“Holy fuck…” You muttered out. Rafael chuckled softly, kissing his way up your chest to your lips.

“You still okay?”

“Yes.” You nodded, cupping his cheek to direct his eyes to you, “Rafa…fuck me..please..” 

He felt his cock twitch at your words, swiftly grabbing a condom from the beside table, he rolled it onto his member. One hand gave him a few pumps while the other traced down your cheek and side, bringing your attention back to him. Leaning forward he gave you a soft kiss before he slid into you, animated groans escaping from both of you at the feeling. It had been so long for both of you that even with the latex barrier you could feel every goddamn ridge of his cock, the way it dragged against your walls. Rafael began to pump into you, sitting up on his haunches to thrust harder as you begged him too. He could barely keep it together, you were so warm, so wet, the feeling of you squeezing around him made his eyes roll back into his head, made his brain see stars, completely forget everything he’d ever known. You barely felt his fingers against your clit, rolling quickly, your body arching off the bed, a near scream leaving your lips as your body shook, barely able to make it through a second orgasm as Rafael spilled into the condom.

He collapsed over you, doing his best to hold himself up on his forearms and not crush you, breath fanning across your face. Your hand reached up, stroking his face softly, pushing his hair back gently, a soft kiss exchanged between your lips before he finally rolled off you, moving to the bathroom to dispose of the condom. You were nearly surprised when he returned to the bed and tugged you to him, letting your curling body wrap around his frame, his lips softly kissing your head.

“You want me to stay?” You murmured against his chest.

“Always.”He muttered back, the feeling of your body around his was already relaxing him beyond any point of being home alone. He knew he’d liked you the moment he’d realized you weren’t just some first rate detective, but now….now he knew things were about to progress exactly the way he wanted. He couldn‘t help the smile on his cheeks as you wrapped an arm around him, snuggling deeper into his shoulder. Rafael practically beamed at the way you kissed his chest again before falling into a steady sleep. There was absolutely nothing that could throw this relationship off and he knew it. The world had thrown so much crap at him, at both of you, that you both deserved someone like each other, thank God it had finally realized it.

**

Your phone blared you awake much earlier than you’d expected, especially since it was your day off. You’d planned on spending the morning either moping over a shitty date with Rafael, or still buried in his arms, which, you currently were. Grumbling you rolled away from his warmth.

“Wilkes?” You answered blearily, feeling Rafael’s hand on your thigh, the immediate guilt of waking him up settling in as you listened to the panicked voice of your partner. “Wait…WHAT!? Oh my God!” You threw the blanket back, stumbling to find your clothes, “Am I meeting you at the squad or her apartment?”

“Apartment. CSU’s on the way.” You gave a quick reply back to your partner, tossing the phone down while you clasped your bra.

“Everything okay?” Rafael sleepily questioned, slowly pushing himself up to sitting.

“No.” You shot over to give him the quickest of kisses, the look of worry etched in your eyes not something he missed, “Lewis has Liv.”

“William Lewis?!” You barely noticed his shocked expression as you tugged on your shirt, practically racing through the hallway.

“Yeah! I’ve gotta meet Nick, I’ll see you at the precinct?”

Rafael’s heart shot into his chest, not only was your morning after experience a complete 180 from what he wanted, but now you were on your way to chase down a sadist serial rapists, but one of his best friend had been abducted by him. Things were not exactly happening the way he had hoped.


	4. Chapter 4

Hours turned into days before the squad was able to track Lewis down, a slew of assaults and murders in his wake. Olivia was more than lucky enough to get out of there alive, Amaro and Rollins had been on scene, accompanying Liv to the nearest hospital. Cragen practically dragged you off to Bellevue the instant Lewis was even semi conscious, knowing the psycho would no doubt attempt to lead the detectives into an unethical line of questioning/confession that would get thrown out the second it fell into an attorney’s hands. You reminded the Captain that Lewis would be hopped up on pain meds and anything he said would be inadmissible in a courtroom but everyone was so fired up it nearly didn’t matter.

You saw Rafael very briefly in passing as you worked through countless statements from the other victims, arguing back and fourth with Lewis’ lawyer. Cragen had you go through all of CSU’s reports with a fine toothed comb, making sure they hadn’t crossed any lines or missed anything, and considering there were four separate crime scenes, your desk was a mountain of case files and half empty coffee cups. Adrenaline was still pounding through your veins, no doubt increased by the amount of caffeine you’d consumed over the past three days, so you figured you’d use the energy to compile a detailed file for Barba.

The bull pen started to trickle empty, every so often someone would pop through to pick up something before finally going home for the night. Small exchanges took place, but before you knew it, you heard the click of Captain Cragen’s office shutting. Glancing up across the room you realized it was only your desk left with a light on, the room completely empty.

“You still going over CSU’s notes?” The man asked, approaching your desk.

“Nah.” You ran a hand over your face, “Figured I’d start putting details together for Barba.”

“Well that can wait for the morning, or at least at your own apartment.” He squeezed your shoulder softly, “Good work today. Now go home and get some sleep.”

“Yeah Cap.” You smiled as he left the room. Slumping back in your chair your eyes drank in the mountains of papers on your desk, you could feel the absolute exhaustion aching in your bones. Sucking in a deep breath you stood, shuffling files back to their homes, shoving the stack into your bag. Cragen was right, this would be much more enjoyable in your own apartment, you could finally tuck into that bottle of wine you had stashed away.

*

Back in the confines of your own apartment you realized just how badly you wanted to shower. You’d spent a few days surrounded by the worst of the worst, the metaphorical grime needed to be washed away. You changed into a pair of leggings and an baggy tshirt, dropping down onto the couch with the case files and your oh so reliable post it notes. The t.v played some sitcom reruns while you indulged into the very much needed wine. Luckily, it only took a few hours to finish putting everything together, you separated all the copies and info into the file for Barba before placing everything back in the right place to take into work Wednesday. Cragen had texted to say for you to take the next day off, get some extra well deserved rest, but asked if you could swing past the D.A’s office at some point to drop off what Barba would need. With that, you trudged to the bedroom, collapsing against the plush layer of blankets and pillows.

*

Rafael was on his couch, hunched over an argument for a separate case on the coffee table, half full tumbler of scotch beside him when he heard a soft knock on the door. The pen in his hand froze as his brows furrowed, glancing over his shoulder toward the noise. He paused long enough there was another knock, only a hair louder than the first. Slowly he got up, padding over to the apartment door, unlinking the chain and pulling it open. When he saw you there, he was a bit taken aback, he’d expected you to still be working, or passed out so hard you were practically in a coma, not to mention your softened, homey appearance.

“Hey…” Your voice was barely above a whisper, “Sorry if I woke you.”

“No..no, not at all.” He welcomed you into the apartment, shutting the door behind you as you glanced around slightly nervously, wrapping your arms around your chest. “I was still working.” You gave him a weak smile, 

“I shouldn’t be surprised.” You sighed, “Sorry again…I..I couldn’t sleep…didn’t..really want to be alone..” You finally met his gaze and he wavered at the diminished look in your usual determined sparkly eyes. “And…Cragen wanted to make sure you got this tomorrow but I didn’t really feel like a field trip on my day off.” Tugging the folder from your bag you handed it to him, he barely glanced down at the label before tossing it to the kitchen island.

“You doin’ okay?” He asked softly, a hand daring to dart out, stroking at your arm. 

Both of you were on the same confused page right now. You’d both heavily enjoyed the night you’d spent together, and there was clearly a reason beyond the case file that you’d showed up at his apartment tonight. You were drawn to him when you wanted comfort, enough to be ballsy enough to show up past 1 a.m basically in pyjama’s. Rafael was incredibly thankful that you’d come, able to finally see you outside of work, outside of the ever tense growing environment that had been SVU the past week. 

“Uh-all things considered..yeah.” 

“How’s Liv?”

“She’s…she’ll be okay.” You pushed your hair back off your face, “She went through one hell of a lot, but she’s stronger than any of us. Hospital’s keeping her overnight before she goes to Cassidy’s.”

“Good.” Rafael did the only thing he could, “You want a drink?”

“Please…” A weak smile turned your lips up as he moved through the kitchen, grabbing a fresh glass, dumping some scotch into it before his hand found the small of your back, leading you to the couch.

“Sorry…” He muttered, clearing the coffee table, “Harris case..”

“I intruded your home after midnight Rafael, there’s no reason to apologize.” He chuckled softly at that, tossing the files into a nearby armchair before he settled into the couch, grabbing the t.v remote.

“You can’t intrude if you’re always welcome.” His free arm had slung around the back of the couch.

Your breath nearly hitched as you glanced up at those stunning eyes, a moment of understanding wrapped around the two of you. One hand clutched the glass of scotch a little tighter while the other braced against his bicep as you leaned in, your lips gently met his, only for a moment, enough of a time to take away the worries of the day. His hand cupped your cheek softly, thumb stroking at the skin as his lips moved against yours with ease, a small grin evident on them as you departed, your cheeks flushed slightly at the intimate action. Rafael lightly pulled you to him, kissing your forehead, encouraging you to curl up against his frame while he flicked through Netflix suggestions before he spoke.

“I…I know this isn’t the best time, but I do really hope we’re on the same page after that night..” You couldn’t help the smile at his words, wrapping an arm around his chest.

“I’m here aren’t I?” You giggled when you felt his lips hit the top of your head, “I like you Rafael. I do. I wish I could’ve stayed that morning, but we both know how the job is.” You gave a soft sigh, “I’d really like to spend more time with you, get to know more of you, the real you…”

“Well you are more than welcome to.” His lips hit your head again as you cuddled deeper into his arms, the drink and the t.v helping, but mainly his embrace finally able to pull you away from the terrors you’d witnessed over the last few days. 

When the clock hit three a.m Rafael knew he shouldn’t be up any later, you may have had the day off, but he still had a trial to work. You were practically asleep against him anyway as he nudged you, chuckling at your grumbling as he pulled you to stand, guiding you to the bedroom. He took a few moments to get ready for bed, eager to tug you into his arms, spooning you softly, his lips meeting the bare skin of your shoulder. He wasn’t sure if it was the lateness of the hour, the intimacy of the evening, of the darkness of the room but he felt shielded, more confident than he would if he was facing you in his office.

“I know this is…potentially wildly unprofessional..” You couldn’t help but chuckle at his use of your words that first night, “But I’ve really enjoyed our time together, I really like you Y/N, I understand if you don’t feel the same, but…I’d really like to take you out to dinner this weekend.” You let out a soft giggle, rolling in his arms to face him, his face barely etched out by the moonlight. Your hand stroked his cheek before you lips met his, 

“I’d love that Rafael.” Even through the darkness, he could make out the gleam of your smile, the way you tugged him tighter to his body, the way you relaxed against him even quicker than before, falling asleep with the small smile still plastered on your cheeks.


	5. Chapter 5

The next month and a half felt like an utter daydream. Rafael took you out to the most glorious dinner on what was technically your second date, you weren’t surprised at the way he was the perfect gentleman. You strolled through Central Park afterwards arm in arm, tossing sass and jokes back and fourth like any other day. That night he walked you to your door, and there was no hesitation as he wrapped his arms around you, lips meeting yours in a gentle yet passionate kiss. You felt your heart swell at the way his hand gently cupped the back of your head, holding you to him as tightly as he could. You thanked him for the wonderful evening, kissing his cheek softly before he bid you a good night, a smile on your face as you watched him until the elevator doors closed. 

You felt like you were fourteen years old again, at the school dance gushing with you girlfriends in the bathroom over having just managed to snag a dance with your crush. The entire rest of the night you couldn’t stop smiling, your mind floating back to the warm memories of the date, you hadn’t felt like this in a very long time. At this point, falling for Rafael was inevitable, you only wished you had someone to spill to. But for now, you’d agreed to keep things quiet, for a professional sake.

Rafael left your apartment feeling absolutely elated, the night had gone just as he had planned, as he had wanted. There wasn’t any awkwardness in the air between you as you moved from colleagues, to what may have been a one night stand, into an actual date. He’d never expected to fall for you, being involved with someone he worked with was never high on his priority list, but he simply couldn’t deny the chemistry between you. What had started out as an actual friendship within this new squad had turned into so much more, and there was no way he was giving that up. On the ride back to his apartment he caught himself thinking about how much he hated dating as a full fledged adult, how it seemed ridiculous to have _‘the talk’,_ how being someone’s _boyfriend_ seemed juvenile for someone his age. But these things weren’t always black and white, even with both of you being professional adults, you’d have to talk over the details, make sure you were on the same page before one of you dropped a bomb then other wasn’t prepared for.

Over the following week there were multiple moments shared throughout the squad room and his office, lingering glances, flushed cheeks, small smiles that thankfully, no one else noticed. You spent a couple of nights tangled in each other’s limbs, exploring your bodies freely, discovering what made each other tick in the darkness of the night. The mornings were always full of smiles and small cuddles, Rafael burying himself into your neck as he hugged you from behind, kissing your shoulder softly as you made breakfast. You’d briefly talk over cases, making sure he was briefed enough before he got to a vic, but more learning about each other. Rafael found he absolutely adored having someone to wake up to, having someone to talk to in the mornings rather than just mindlessly scroll through his phone in silence. 

The two of you continued on your non defined _‘relationship’_ for months, you each knew that the other person wasn’t seeing anyone else, and that you truly cared about each other. Plus, if your relationship wasn’t defined, or public, you didn’t have to disclose yet, giving the two of you more of a bubble of privacy to learn more about each other.

That was of course, until Amanda called you into the conference room, she’d been chasing down a lead on the Alex Munoz case, one that already hit too close to home for Rafael. He’d already come too close for comfort with the entire thing, his two childhood best friends being involved? You’d done your best to encourage him to pass it off to someone else, but the ever stubborn Cuban A.D.A refused, as you’d expected. 

“What’d’ya need Rollins?” You asked as you shut the door behind you, not missing the fact the the blinds were drawn, praying she wasn’t doing something illegal to entrap anyone. She glanced up at you, a look of nearly pleading on her face.

“I’ve got Munoz in a honey trap..I just need pictures.” She took in your windened eyes, “Nothing explicit! I just figured since..you’re the youngest of the squad you’d be the best for the job.”

“‘Manda..I can’t..”

“Oh come on! Just a little down the shirt cleavage is all that’ll get us goin’!”

“ _I can’t_!” You repeated, eyes hardening to hers.

“Y/N this is sex crimes, you’re gonna have to do this stuff once in a while if it means catching perps.”

“I know! But a honey trap? On this case?! I just can’t!” Amanda paused, taking in the slight flush on you cheeks, the way you were avoiding her eye, the way you’d been avoiding this case as a whole.

“Oh honey…please don’t tell me you have some weird history with Munoz….” Your eyes shot to hers, an annoyed look echoing from them, 

“No.” You huffed, dropping down into the chair across from her, “What I’m about to tell you is in complete confidential, okay?” She nodded softly as you sighed heavily, “I’ve been straying away from this case because I’m.. _involved_ with Rafael.”

“Barba?” She nearly laughed, silencing at the glare you shot her, “Seriously?”

“Yeah…” You muttered, “‘No one knows. I was really hoping this case wasn’t gonna bring it out but I have a feeling the defence is gonna find out somehow. So…no I can’t be your bait. It’ll just complicate things. Please…don’t mention it, we’ll disclose before trial.”

“Okay..” Amanda smirked towards you, “Things going good I take it?” You laughed, you didn’t have much of a history with the blonde, you weren’t sure how much you could trust her.

“They’re great.” You gave her a tight smile before retreating back to your desk, happy that you had tomorrow off.

*

The one person who had clued in on your relationship right away was Carmen, which neither of you were surprised with, she wasn’t an idiot, and you stopped by Rafael’s office more than anyone else. Especially with dinner, which is where you found yourself tonight. You smiled at Carmen, handing her a container of ginger chicken as you assured her she didn’t need to stick around any later than 8pm, no matter what Rafael said. A quick knock on the door, you let yourself in, smiling at your boyfriend as you entered.

“Hey,” He softly greeted, eyes at least meeting yours before shooting back to paperwork, “Thought you had the day off.”

“I…did..” You moved through the office, dropping down into the chair across from his desk, “But I thought you could use a friendly face..this case hits pretty close to home?” Rafael sighed heavily as he accepted the take out containers from you, beginning to unpack the food. He’d hated having to drag you into this, the fact that Alex was doing what he did was bad enough, he desperately wanted to keep you as far away as possible.

“You saw the pictures?” Your eyes barely glanced up, not wanting to meet his but knowing you had to.

“Rollins wanted me to be the bait…I had to recuse myself..” Rafael felt his heart jump into his throat at that, he had never expected his personal life beyond childhood be dragged into this trial. “I didn’t tell anyone!” You quickly shot, “Just Amanda. And trust me, our secret’s safe. But..I’m worried about the defence…if they find out a detective in the squad investigating Munoz is involved with one of his childhood friends who also happens to be the prosecutor? That’s a headache for everyone.”

“You think it’s time to disclose?” He hated how cold he felt, how business his voice sounded, he cared about you, but this, this truly was business.

“We need to.” You eyes softened as you looked over at him, “Otherwise both our careers are in major danger Rafael…I know you have big plans, if you want to make it to the bench you can’t let some little affair with a detective ruin that.”

“You were never some little affair Carino.” Rafael knew he cared about you, he knew that you were something incredibly special, a hiccup like this meant nothing. He truly felt like the two of you were meant to be, even if that meant fighting through some bullshit legalities like this. Your cheeks burst into a grin at the pet name, the reassurement that you meant more to him than a hook up. “You’re the only person I want to be with, believe me.” His hand grasped yours, kissing your palm softly, “You mean everything to me.”

“Raf..” You smiled softly, a light giggle escaping your lips. 

“I mean it.” He shot you a soft smile, “I can only hope you think the same of me.”

“How could I not?”

*

It was a matter of days later when both of you handed in disclosure paper work, Cragen gave you a quick smile as he congratulated you, and was even quicker to remind you that that meant you might be taken off future cases. You assured him you understood protocol and knew what it meant for your career, and Rafael’s. 

The two of you did your best to keep things quiet, more on the downlow, you weren’t embarrassed but you didn’t need to deal with the taunting of the squad over every little thing. You spent 90% of your weekends at Rafael’s apartment, buried deeply in his arms, grumbling whenever a phone went off calling you to work. You spent more time at his place than yours, it being closer to both the precinct at the DA’s office, a pile of your clothes quickly finding it’s way to the corner of the floor of his bedroom. Rafael couldn’t help but chuckle at the way you grumbled over your wrinkled clothes one morning, suggesting you actually hang them up in the closet, at least then they wouldn’t be wrinkled. As you began to protest he smiled, a hand stroking down your cheek as he pulled you to his lips, meeting them gently,

“Take as much space as you need Hermosa.” You smiled at the statement, glancing up at him, pecking his lips quickly. Rafael did his best to hold back, he had for months, but there was no one else like you, he didn’t want to scare you away, but he had to tell you now, “I love you…”

“Raf..” You breathed out, eyes checking his for hesitancy before breaking out into a giggle, “I love you too.” You basically launched at him then, wrapping your arms around his neck as you pulled him into a deep kiss. You could barely believe that he’d gone for that first date, but this? Falling in love with you? Everything really was an ultimate dream.

*

“Hey!” You greeted Rafael breathlessly as you swung into his office, “I can’t stay, just wanted to drop these off.” Rafael cocked a brow at the envelope you’d dropped on his desk, slipping it open.

“Legally Blonde?”

“You mentioned your Abuelita’s birthday was coming up.” Shrugging, you leant against the side of his desk, “It’s the least I could do.” He smiled up at you, feeling the warmth spread through his chest at your gesture, the fact that you always had him in the back of your brain made him feel completely smitten. You were so unlike anyone that he’d dated before he often felt like he was imagining the whole thing.

“Carino, these are front row seats, you really didn’t have to.” He paused slightly, “There’s only three?”

“It’s all I could wrangle up.”

“How much did you spend?” Rafael’s guilt started to settle in at the high price theatre tickets went for, only stalled by your laughter.

“Nothing. One of the girls in the ensemble was a vic of mine a few years back. We still keep in touch, she gives me free tickets every so often.”

“You know this means there’s no getting out of meeting them anymore, right?” Rafael hadn’t mentioned that he was seeing anyone, he didn’t have to. His Abuelita was quick to comment on how much happier he seemed, and promptly asked what her name was. He knew there was no going back at that point, answering all their questions, attempting to avoid the inevitable _‘when do we get to meet her’_ that was sure to be asked everytime he had a conversation with either of them.

“I can meet you for a glass of wine afterwards.” Leaning forward you kissed his cheek softly, “I’ve gotta run, Rollins is waiting. I love you.”

“I love you too.” He managed to tug you back, smiling at the quiet giggle you let out before meeting his lips in a gentle kiss. The smile remained on his face as he watched you scurry out of the office, shooting a grin over your shoulder as you shut the door.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t hate me for horrible Spanish translations, I used google, French is my second language.

Rafael couldn’t help the small smile that broke across his lips when he pulled the tickets out of the envelope, finally noticing the purple post it stuck to the back of them. _‘Don’t enjoy the bend & snap number too much’_ with a small winky face and a heart scrawled across it. The little notes were still very much a part of your communication, not only in case files, but you’d left a pad on his kitchen island, both of you using them when one of you had to run off, or to make a note about dinner plans, or working late. Anytime he saw a little piece of purple paper he felt his heart flutter, knowing that you were thinking about him in that moment. He’d noticed you used post it’s in other case files, or for other work related things, but they were always a different colour, the purple reserved specifically for him.

When the show ended you’d arranged to meet Rafael around the corner at Aldo Sohm Wine Bar, it had a quieter, more relaxed, though still upscale enough of an ambience that you figured it would be a good middle ground for everyone. You were distracted on your phone, replying to an old friend’s facebook post, not noticing the three of them approaching the bar. Rafael certainly noticed you, feeling his heart nearly skip a beat when he noticed you in a semi-professional knee length dress, a warm cardigan wrapped around you, your hair curled, half pinned back from your face. You looked absolutely radiant, the small smile on your distracted face making him smile himself. They were only a few feet away when your ears perked up at the sound of his voice, your head glancing to their direction, bright smile on your face as you pocketed your phone.

“Hey.” You greeted Rafael, letting out a soft giggle as he pulled you in for a small kiss, murmuring about how beautiful you looked.

“Mami, Abuelita, this is Y/N.” 

“Hi.” You greeted softly, feeling your pulse skyrocket. Meeting the parents (so to speak) wasn’t exactly something you did on a regular basis, and never with people who you desired the approval from as much as the most valued people in Rafael’s life. As if they could feel your nervousness, (especially since Rafael hadn’t brought home anyone in years) they were very quick to make you feel welcome.

“Call me Lucia.” His mother smiled, pulling you into a tight hug as Catalina turned to her Grandson.

“Rafi! You didn’t tell us how beautiful she is!” You blushed at that, letting out a slightly embarrassed laugh before the older woman pulled you into a hug. “It’s wonderful to finally meet you.”

“Likewise.” 

Rafael quickly ushered them into the bar, making sure to give your cheek another gentle kiss as you were being seated. You all settled in, you got a glass of rose, a charcuterie and cheese board were ordered for the table as you fell into conversation.

“How was the show?” You began, taking a small sip of wine, thankful for the feeling of Rafael’s hand on your thigh, grounding you, reminding you that you didn’t need to freak out over this.

“Wonderful.” Lucia replied, “Even better than the movie.”

“You know, I didn’t even know there was a musical.” Catalina continued, “Thank you so much Y/N.”

“I just pulled a few strings.” You shrugged, “I’d already seen the show, figured you deserved the birthday treat.” Catalina smiled brightly at you, giving your hand a soft squeeze in thanks.

“Rafi tells us you’re a detective? That’s how you met?” Lucia asked.

“Yeah.” You cast a soft yet playful look over to him, “Can’t say he was always the friendliest but we’ve moved passed that now.” The women gave a playful laugh as Rafael let out a slightly offended scoff, though all of it melted completely as he glanced over to your smiling face, the way your nose crinkled in humour at the remark. You ducked in quickly to peck his cheek in feigned apology, knowing that there would be a hell of a lot more teasing in the future, three on one wasn’t exactly fair, but he probably deserved it.

“Your family’s okay with you doing work that can be that dangerous?” Catalina asked, genuinely concerned. Rafael did his best to cut off the question, but your hand grasped his, pulling it back down to the table with a reassuring glance.

“I uh..don’t really have any family? My Mom was a Judge. I think she’d always wanted me to be a lawyer but I know she’d be happy that I was working in law enforcement in some sense.” Knowing the inevitable question was coming you powered though, “She was killed fifteen years ago when a perp got off on a technicality.” You felt Rafael’s hand squeeze yours tighter as Lucia’s eyes met yours, 

“I’m so sorry.”

“Sometimes life just hands us the shitty cards, right?” You shrugged, giving the best smile you could, “It was a long time ago. But I think that every perp I manage to put away helps, knowing they’re off the street and can’t hurt anyone else’s families.”

The conversation pointed upward from that point, not that you were swerving it away, you were more than open talking about your past, even with near strangers. Lucia and Catalina shared stories from Rafael’s past that he was overly embarrassed about, bringing out the most animated laughs from you, eager to egg them on for more as his face flushed another shade darker. You shared a few more stories of your past, answering any and all of the questions thrown out at you. There was a such a sense of family at the table, it was the first time in years that you’d felt so appreciated and accepted, that someone else’s family members could like you this much shocked you. Rafael couldn’t help but smile as he leant back, watching the way you interacted with his family, the three women that meant the most to him in the world getting along so well? He could never ask for anything better. 

By the time it came for the older women to head home, you’d exchanged contact information with both of them, telling them to call whenever they needed anything. Lucia had mentioned something about the upcoming Christmas market in the Bronx that you let out a dramatic gasp about, saying you’d always been dying to go but never had someone to drag along, and before you knew it, you had a temporary planned date. It was nearly at the point that Rafael felt like the fourth wheel when the bill came around. You did your best to try to pay, insisting that the night out had been your plan, but your boyfriend somehow convinced you that the evening at the theatre was already your expense, this was on him. You gave him a soft kiss, thanking him as the four of you left the wine bar. Rafael had called a car for his family, and while waiting for it on the curb, Catalina turned to him, grasping his forearm tightly, 

“Ella es perfecta. Haces de Ella una mujer honesta antes de que pierdas tu oportunidad, quiero estar en el dia de tu boda.” _(She’s perfect. You make an honest woman out of her before you miss your chance, I want to be at your wedding day)_

“Ai Abuelita, lo se. la amo mas que a nada y quiero pasar el resto de mi visa con ella. Se que algun dia sera mi esposa.” _(I know. I love her more than anything and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I know she’ll be my wife one day.)_

There was another round of hugs before the two women climbed into the car with warm smiles at the two of you. Rafael grasped your hand in his, fingers interlocking, humming in happiness as you leaned your head against his shoulder at the stoplight. He never thought that a meeting with his family and significant other could go so well, but you’d all clicked so incredibly well he was blown away. The two of you walked a few blocks until you flagged down a cab to return to Rafael’s apartment, happy to be able to spend the night together. You’d changed into pyjama’s, having washed you face and sat yourself on his bed as you waited for him to finish up his nightly routine.

“They loved you Carino.” He murmured, pulling you into a soft kiss.

“Oh…I know…” You smirked, “Maybe next time you see them, you might mention that Soy fluida en Español.” _(I’m fluent in Spanish).”_ Rafael felt his heart nearly stop, and you couldn’t help the cackle of a laugh that escaped your throat at the look of horror on his face at the realization that you’d understood the conversation from earlier.

“You’re kidding, right?” 

“Raf…” You laughed, hand stroking the side of his cheek, “Don’t freak out..I’m stil here aren’t I?” You pecked his lips softly, “Now follow your Abuelita’s advice, because I really do want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Rafael smirked, lips meeting yours with more passion as he jumped on top of you, tossing you down on the bed, small shriek escaping your lips. He couldn’t believe everything was going so good, he’d managed to find someone he loved, completely head over heels, someone who not only understood the field he worked in, but also worked in it. Someone who lived in his brain rent free, someone who his family was so quick to accept he wondered if it was a match made in heaven. 

Every second you spent together solidified you love for each other more than either of you could ever imagine.


	7. Chapter 7

The holiday season took over the city faster than you could even imagine, the second Thanksgiving was over, Christmas practically vomited throughout the streets and parks. You’d been busy working over Thanksgiving, caught working a nearly 43 hour shift with barely any breaks, profusely apologizing via texts and the rare phone call to the Barba family that you couldn’t make it. Naturally, Lucia sent a mountain of leftovers home with Rafael, sternly reminding him that they were for you and not him when he was too lazy to cook or order take out. You’d made sure to call her to thank her, practically groaning over how delicious everything was.

When December hit, you made up on your excitement over the Christmas market, spending the evening solo with Lucia wandering the aisles as you sipped over apple cider admiring over the trinkets and handmade items for sale. Conversation flowed much more easily than you’d expected, laughing together in the slightly brisk winter air. You exchanged more stories of yourself, more of your history, more than happy at the way Lucia was welcoming you into her and her son’s life. You bonded with her much more than you’d ever thought you could with a partner’s family. She had a brashness to her, she was a Barba after all, but she loved the way that you were quick to fire back a response, laughing at the realization of how you’d been able to win over her son. You’d departed that evening with a tight hug, Lucia giving your cheek a gentle kiss, welcoming you into what was your new family. You may have been alone and abandoned for years, but she was proud of how far you’d come, how much you’d grown, and more importantly, the way you’d accepted her family into your welcoming arms and she was just as quick to welcome you into hers.

*  
As the Christmas season progressed, Rafael was the one chuckling as you brought up the holidays, urging him to decorate _his_ apartment as you flitted around the kitchen getting ready for work. He naturally protested, saying the both of you spent so much time at work, why would it matter? You rolled your eyes, pecking his lips softly, 

“Rafa, please, just a tree…even a little one?” 

“Carino why don’t you decorate _your_ apartment?” He kissed your cheek gently before moving around you to refill his coffee.

“Because I’m never there!” You laughed, “The last time I saw the inside of my apartment was to pick up that dress when I met your family.” Rafael stalled, turning back to face you,

“That was over a month ago!” You simply shrugged. 

Truthfully both of your schedules were hectic enough to keep you apart even if you were staying at the same apartment but time had gone by so quickly Rafael hadn’t even noticed. Taking a swig of coffee he started to realize, noticing how you’d managed to find little corners of space to leave things that you needed on a regular basis. The way your half of the closet was filled with work clothes,one or two dresses, the pile of leggings in the corner of the floor continually growing, floral shampoo in the shower, your favourite mug was currently filled with coffee sitting on the island between you. 

“You’re still paying rent for it?” 

“Yeah, I mean, _you’re_ not charging me.” You hopped off your stool, kissing his cheek quickly before you headed down the hall to grab the last couple of things you needed for work. When you returned, clipping your shield to your belt, you glanced up at Rafael, noticing the oh too familiar gleam in his eye. “What?”

“Nothing.” He hummed over the rim of his coffee, “Just thought of a stipulation about Christmas decorations.”

“Always about the politics with you, isn’t it?” He gave a small laugh, “Well, what’s the deal Counsellor?” You leant against the island, arms crossed in front of you.

“You want to decorate your apartment, why not make _this_ your apartment?” Your face scrunched, 

“Okay, now you’ve lost me.” Rafael smiled, moving to kiss the side of your forehead softly.

“Move in with me.”

“What? Really?” You pulled back, examining his face for any amount of doubt or joking around, eyes widening when you found none.

“You said it yourself, you’re always here.” He pecked your lips quickly, “You move in, you can make it look like Santa’s village exploded in here.”

“Ohhooo, you really wanna tempt me that much?” You giggled.

“Well?” He cocked a brow, grin on his face.

“You’ve got yourself a deal.” Smiling, you pulled him to you in a warm kiss, “I love you.” You swatted gently at his chest, “Now hurry up and finish your coffee, you’re gonna make me late.” He rolled his eyes, 

“You know I don’t need you to drop me off.”

“Really? Cause you have to be at arraignment in twenty and you’ll never make that otherwise.” He shot you a half defeated glare mixed with a smirk as he threw back the end of his mug.

“You’re lucky I love you.” He shot as you grabbed your keys and he quickly collected his things before you both left the apartment.

*

The next couple of weeks were spent with you packing up the ‘must takes’ from your apartment, knick knacks, decorations and the like that you refused to get rid of, the rest of your closet, movies, books and the like. The other boxes involved trips to the dump or trips to the second hand stores as you cleared through everything. Rafael helped as much as he could, although his schedule was much more crammed than yours at the moment. You went over a few furniture situations with him, a slight bickering over how goddamn uncomfortable his couch was and your sectional would look in his living room, a wicked grin on your face when you finally won. You were thankful Rafael’s apartment had a storage cage in the basement you were able to stash a few extra boxes of things you didn’t particularly _need_ , but weren’t quite willing to part with. 

You updated your address in your work file, Cragen giving you a knowing grin but not saying anything, and made sure all your mail was properly rerouted. You’d been in your current apartment long enough that it was down to a month to month lease, your landlord easily granting your moving request. It didn’t take long for things to find their homes among Rafael’s space, and he was more than accommodating in shuffling some things around. He wanted to make sure you truly felt welcomed and loved in what had been his space for so long, you weren’t just an addition, you were part of what made his apartment a home.

The two of you had spent the majority of your day flitting between apartments, Rafael spent most of his day making sure the new one was organized and clean, texting you the second he got called into work. You were thankful that by that point you were just waiting on a few Craigslist buyers to come take away the last couple of larger items you’d put up for sale. You deep cleaned the rest of the apartment, giving the super a small smile as you handed the keys back.

When you returned to Rafael’s..no..to your…apartment you let out a soft smile at the few boxes labelled _‘Christmas’_ that he’d left in the space between the kitchen and living room. Knowing he’d been called into work, and that you’d been sitting twiddling your thumbs in your old apartment waiting for buyers, you moved into the kitchen. 

After pouring yourself a large glass of wine you placed it on the coffee table, starting to dig through the boxes, Rafael had given you full permission to do whatever you wanted to the apartment as long as you were living there and you weren’t about to take back on his offer.

*

Rafael hated having to be called to work this late in the day, but there was no getting out of evidence about a witness coming forward this late in the indictment. He begrudgingly spent the afternoon between the squad room and his office, blitzing through as much paperwork and statements as he could. Eventually he turned to Cragen, saying they still didn’t have enough, that if they wanted the trial to go forward they would need specific evidence, and to come to him the instant they did. He practically fled from the precinct at that comment, knowing you were waiting for him at _your_ apartment. The last thing he wanted was the first night the two of you living together being one spent with him crawling into bed hours after you’d been asleep.

He could hear the soft Christmas music playing from under the door the second he got off the elevator, a soft smile echoing on his cheeks as he unlocked the door. His eyes drank in the festivity of the apartment, you certainly had taken advantage of your free time, and the liberty to go as all out as you wanted. Not that he minded at all, it made home feel that much warmer, welcoming and loving, it was a far cry from the dark empty apartment he’d gotten used to for so many years.

“Hey.” You turned from the window at the sound of the door opening, a hesitant look on your face, taking in Rafael’s expression, “Oh God! It’s too much isn’t it?” He laughed lightly, shucking off his shoes and coat, dropping his briefcase into a chair, 

“It looks perfect Carino.” His lips met yours in a gentle kiss that you couldn’t help but giggle at.

“Sorry I went a little all out.. I..uh..Christmas was the only time Mom and I had together, you know what the job’s like..it’s the only holiday that really matters.” He couldn’t help but see the glassiness in your eyes, his thumb stroking your cheek softly, wishing he could take away the ache he knew you were feeling.

“Well then it’s the most important holiday.” He kissed your cheek softly, “And there’s no one I’d rather spend it with than you.” You couldn’t help the small laugh escaping your lips, letting Rafael’s arms wrap around you before his lips hit yours again. 

“You sure it’s not too much?” Your face scrunched in submission as Rafael took in the living room. There was a five foot tree in the corner, lights and garland draped across it but nothing else. A cuirtain of fairy type Christmas lights trailing the floor to ceiling windows, a few trinkets and mementos around the common area of the apartment, two stockings pinned to the wall beside the tree.

“It’s perfect Mi Amour.” Rafael’s lips hit your cheek softly, “Though I do think the tree looks a little bare?” He cocked a brow at you,

“I figured you should be the one to have the honours.” You turned, picking something up from the table, “It’s not much..but the first ornament should always be something special, represents our first Christmas together.” You handed him the flimsy wire, the end of it poking through a purple post it, your handwriting scrawled across it _‘I love you always._ ’ Rafael felt his heart flutter at the sentiment, the meaning behind a small piece of paper a million words that could never be properly articulated except through love.

“I love it.” Smiling, his lips hit your forehead before he moved to the tree, placing the post it front and center. You wrapped your arms around his side, smiling into his shoulder at the intimacy of the moment in a whole new way.

“Did you eat?” You asked quietly, he shook his head gently. “I’ll order something. Will you help me decorate the rest of the tree while we wait?”

“Of course.” Rafael beamed down at you, the warmth in his eyes making your heart swell. He kissed you with as much adoration as he could muster up, “Just let me change first.” He slipped out of your arms, moving down to the bedroom while you picked up your phone to get dinner on the go. 

It didn’t take long for the tree to be finished decked out in colourful bulbs and glittering embellishments, completing the festive feel in the apartment. Rafael had retreated to the bedroom to grab his wallet while you were pouring out a couple glasses of wine in the kitchen when the awaited knock on the door came. Swinging open the door you were met with instead of your usual delivery guy, Olivia Benson, a file in her hand and a suddenly confused look on her face, eyes darting between you and Rafael who had just reappeared behind you.

“Am..I interrupting something?” You couldn’t blame her for the question, the only person aside from Cragen that knew was Amanda, and you were clad in a pair of pyjama shorts and one of Rafael’s old Harvard tee’s. “Wait. Cragen said you were out today ‘cause you were moving?”

“I-yeah..” You replied, watching as her eyes scanned through the apartment. She took in the decorations, the two glasses of wine on the counter, the various feminine tweaks that warmed the previously empty bachelor pad of an apartment, the domestication of the entire scenario.

“I’m not interrupting some after work hook up…you two live together?” It was only half a question, she was a detective after all.

“That would be the truth.” Rafael replied, his hand settling in the small of your back. You were quick to jump with a rebuttal,

“Cragen knows, the paperwork’s all in, has been since the beginning.”

“Well..congratulations?” She half laughed at herself as she spoke, “Sorry.” She directed her eyeline to Barba, “You said you needed more, I did some digging.” Rafael took the file from her, scanning through the front page quickly.

“Thanks. I’ll look over it.” 

“Well, I’ll let you two get back to your night.” The gleam in her eye returned as her brain had finally finished processing the information dump, “You know, she’s too good for you Barba, don’t fuck it up.” You outwardly laughed, “I don’t know how you do it Y/N.”

“Someone’s got to put up with him.” You teased, kissing his cheek.

“You’re definitely the one for the job. Have a good night.”

“You too.” She gave you a quick wave before heading off down the hall, leaving the two of you to enjoy the rest of your Christmas filled night, indulging in a few cheesy Christmas movies before finally retreating to bed.

With the knowledge of three squad members now knowing about your relationship, and the fact that the rest of them were sure to find out quick thanks to you residing at the same address, you came clean whenever asked about each other from then on. In all honesty, it was much nicer not having to hide away the small little moments that would arise suspicion, Rafael was able to freely drop off coffee or lunch on your desk, there were no questions if he was seen stashing a post it note somewhere in one of your files. You were able to be on each other’s arms at the company Christmas party later that month rather than fend off unwanted advances while you watched the other get relentlessly hit on right in front of you. There was a perfect amount of teasing from the squad, mainly directed at Rafael, that he didn’t mind because you were by his side smiling up at him looking beautiful as ever. When you departed for the evening, Fin commented it was the happiest he’d seen either of you in his life, and was happy for you.

You spent Christmas at the Barba household, doing your best to help Lucia in the kitchen before she shooed you away for the millionth time, shoving a glass of wine in your hands. Truthfully, both her and Catalina wanted you in the same room as Rafael because they couldn’t help but love the way Rafael looked at you in such complete adoration. The way you’d idly play with his hand in yours, a ghost of a smile always haunting on your lips while you watched him talk. The way he’d gently reach out to push a stray strand of hair behind your ear, and how you’d blush at the intimate action. There was no doubt in either of their minds that Rafael had met his match, and that he was head over heels in love with you. That you had finally found your one, a partner strong enough to spar with, to lift you up when you needed it, and one that you loved more than you ever thought was humanly possible.

When you got home, Rafael left the lights off, plugging in just the lights of the tree, and the curtain of lights hanging in the windows, leaving the living room in a warm festive glow. Pulling out his phone a soft piano version of ‘Let it Snow’ echoed through the room. With a soft smile on his face, one of his hands found the small of your back while the other interlinked with your fingers. You met him for a soft kiss before following his lead, gently swaying and twirling through the small space, resting your head agaisnt his shoulder. 

Rafael’s lips met your hair, lingering there for a moment while he inhaled the fruity scent of your shampoo. He couldn’t remember a time he’d enjoyed the holiday season this much, usually jetting off to some ski lodge across the country to dodge the lonlieness and emptiness he suffered through. This time of year always made him feel like he was missing out terribly, watching the happy couples stroll through the light displays in Central Park, the families out tobogganing or ice skating, full of glee and love. He’d leave the city, trying to find a sense of peace where he could be alone, but now, he finally understood what it was all about, and how incredibly lucky he was to have you. The song came to an end and you slowly stopped, raising your head to look up at him.

“It appears you forgot to put up any mistletoe.” He grinned as you let out a huff of a laugh,

“I don’t need the excuse of mistletoe to kiss you, you goof.” Dropping the hand linked with his you cupped his cheek softly, humming in satisfaction as your lips met his. The hand on the small of your back wrapped all the way around you, his strong arm pulling you flush against his body while your arms wrapped around his neck. The kiss was gentle, but full of passion, lips moving with grace and tenderness against each other.

“Merry Christmas Carino.” Rafael kissed the tip of your nose, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You laid another kiss on him, “Merry Christmas Rafael.”


	8. Chapter 8

“Raf!” You voice echoed through the halls of the court house, slightly surprised when three faces shooting up to yours. Rafael was standing with your Sergeant and his mother, a sight you hadn’t expected within those walls. You handed him the case file he’d left at the apartment that morning, needing it for the trial picking up right after the lunch recess.

“Y/N, thank goodness.” Lucia began, “Please tell him he needs to rethink the right thing to do.” Your face scrunched as Oliva hastily made her goodbye.

“Right thing?” You previous attention to Rafael immediately turned to his mother, confusion written across your face.

“Rafi wants to put Catalina in a home,” Lucia let out a hefty sigh, “Thinks it’s the best thing for her.”

“What does Catalina think?” You shot back, knowing that weighing the options was always the best part of figuring out these sort of things. You missed Rafael’s glare in your direction as your eyes stayed trained on Lucia.

“She wants to stay in her apartment, and she had very good arguments as to how it was just fine.” The woman replied.

“Well..” you thought over it quickly, “She’s got a support system, and if she’s got good reasons as to stay… she’s definitely mentally capable of making her own decision. I’m more than willing to help out when you can’t.”

“Carino!” Rafael countered, “Aren’t you supposed to support me for things like this?” You practically snorted, turning your attention to your boyfriend.

“What, just because we’re dating I’m suddenly just some arm candy who’ll smile and nod at everything you say? I’m entitled to having my own opinions.”

“Not if they’re wrong! You’ve never been through something like this.” You stalled, a ball of anger rising through your throat,

“You’re right. I haven’t. The opportunity was _taken_ from me when someone decided to _murder_ my mother. My opinion was asked for, and I gave it. It’s not my fault you don’t like it.” Rafael’s phone pinged before he could reply,

“Fine.” He gritted, hastily pecking your cheek first before his mother’s, “I’m needed in court.” Rafael was quick to disappear down the hallway, leaving you and Lucia letting out a deep breath.

“What do you think?” You asked, turning to Lucia, 

“That you really are a good match for him, most people back down when he picks a fight.” You laughed, 

“You know that’s not what I meant…” Linking your elbow in hers, you directed her in the way of the exit.

“I offered to retire, move her in with me.” You nearly laughed at the response, knowing the Barba family as well as you did by now.

“Really? You’d retire? Why do I seriously doubt that?.” Lucia swatted at your arm, “All you Barba’s, so stubborn over everything.”

“Just wait until you pop out a few of your own, then you’ll really learn.”

“Ohoho…” You couldn’t help the laugh as you pushed open the door, “We’re a ways off from that Lucia.”

“But you _are_ going to give me some grand babies, right?” 

“Pretty sure the ring’s supposed to come first.” She shot you a side eye, “Hey, just because we’re _‘living in sin’_ doesn’t mean we’re not being safe.”

“Well an oopsie will get one hell of a lecture from my Mother, so keep your word on that.” You laughed at that, reaching the bottom of the stairs of the courthouse.

“I will.” Turning to her you smiled, “What’d’ya say to lunch? I’m off today.”

“Sounds great.” She gave you a soft smile as the two of you made you way down the street.

You were incredibly thankful towards the relationship you had with Lucia, the closest thing you’d had to a mother in fifteen years. She had welcomed you into her family with ease, watching the way you interacted with her son, incredibly happy that the both of you were happy with each other. She knew Rafael had finally met someone who was deserving enough to be with him, and that you deserved every inch of his love that he showered you with. The two of you talked over things over lunch, delving into the topic of Catalina moving to a home, the different views that the other members of the Barba clan held. Eventually, you settled the bill, and bid a farewell to Lucia, heading back to your apartment for the rest of the day.

*

You weren’t surprised that evening when Rafael shut the door a little to hard behind him, your eyes barely glancing up from the laptop and folder in front of you.

“I take it the Briggs’ case isn’t going too well?”

“The Briggs’ case is the last of my worries right now.” He kicked off his shoes, his coat finding a home on the rack while he loosened his tie and sleeves.

“Abuelita okay?” You felt your heart pick up, worried that something had happened that you hadn’t been updated on.

“She’s fine.” He snipped, quickly pulling down the bottle of scotch and a glass, dumping a savoury amount into it.

“Okay, so what are you so pissed about right now?” Rafael took a large swig of the amber liquid, letting out a hefty sigh after he swallowed.

“I thought you would have my back today and instead you went against me, in front of my Mother.”

“Are we seriously having this argument for the second time in one day?” He shot you a glare, gulping back another mouthful of scotch, his annoyance growing at the way you seemed more invested in whatever you were working on that talking to him. “Raf, listen, I get it, okay. You want your Abuelita to be safe and in a place where she can get the care you think she needs, but she’s fine. She’s got support, she’s completely capable of making her own life choices, you can’t just force her into a home because you think that’s what’s right. You need to think of this from her perspective, how you’d feel at her age, balance both sides, it isn’t black and white.”

“But you DON’T get it!” He snapped back, “She needs to be taken care of! She can’t keep living in a six floor walk up by herself, she needs proper care, and a home would give her that. Believe me, I’m not trying to shove her into some assisted living place where seniors go to die! I just want to give her the best life she deserves!”

“You need to weigh the options Rafa…and remember that this _isn’t_ your choice to make.” As you’d expected, he’d rounded on you, the glare in his eye fierce as it was in the courtroom taking down a perp.

“She doesn’t understand what’s best for her anymore! She can’t stay there anymore..” 

It only took him a matter of seconds to launch into an angry rant against you. His words spewing out about how Catalina deserved more, deserved something better. He threw some harsh words your way about how you should have agreed with him, that you were his partner, the one he loved, and he deserved your support in matters like this. His rant went on for longer than you’d expected, you simply closed your laptop, cocking a brow as you took a sip of wine and listened. He’d began pacing as he voiced his opinion, half in Spanish, you were ever thankful you were fluent so you could understand all of his ramblings. Eventually, he stopped, placing his hands on the kitchen island, leaning towards you across the space,

“Entiendes?” You let out a soft sigh, 

“Yes.” You slid the folder across the island to him, “For your information, I spent my afternoon off going through homes in the city. They’re organized from best to least, in my opinion, based on cost, extra curriculars, reviews, dining options and more. You’ll find the extra info on the post it notes, as usual.” Your phone took that moment to ping, interrupting your train of thought as you checked it, “That’s Liv. I’ve gotta run.” You hopped off the stool, giving Rafael a soft kiss on the cheek as you grabbed what you needed for work. “I love you.” You spoke softly into the kitchen as you tugged the door open. Rafael, feeling like a complete idiot, didn’t reply right away, causing you to repeat it with more vigour, “I said, I love you.” He moved quickly to you, kissing your lips softly.

“I love you too.” His thumb stroked softly agaisnt your cheek, “Thank you.” You pecked his lips quickly before darting off down the hallway.

*

It was a few days later, as the Briggs trial was finally wrapping up, though, not as any of you had hoped it would. You were settled in your desk looking through some possible witnesses for a new case when your phone rang, you answered without looking.

“Wilkes, Sex Crimes.” Your attention was still mainly on the screen in front of you,

“Y/N? It’s me?” The grief and worry in the familiar voice had your attention shooting to the call rather than the computer.

“Lucia? What’s wrong? Where are you?” You flew into police mode instantly, your heart nearly racing in your chest.

“It’s..not me.” The other woman replied, “I…I came to help Mami pack up some things…she had a heart attack. She’s…she’s gone.” Your hand clasped over your mouth, a brim of tears in your eyes.

“Oh my God…I’m so sorry. What can I do?”

“Find Rafael.”

“He’s probably in court, he doesn’t know yet?”

“No.” She sniffled, “He knows, it happened this morning. But now I can’t get a hold of him, he’s not answering his phone. The office says he hasn’t been in all day, I figured you might have an idea. I just need to know he’s okay.”

“Of course.” You instantly pulled your Ipad out of your bag, tapping on a few apps, “I’ll let you know as soon as I find anything.”

“Thank you.”

“Hey..please, please let me know if you need anything. I know how tough this can be.”

“Of course.” Lucia let out a shaky sigh, “You’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to a daughter y/n, I hope you know that. Rafi will listen to you, he really loves you.”

“I know.” You gave her a quick good bye as you hung up the phone, attention diverted to the Ipad as you tracked through a few things before ducked into Olivia’s office. Thankfully she was okay with you darting away for personal business, somewhat aware of what Barba was going through.

As much as you hadn’t wanted to invade his privacy, you swung by the DA’s office first, having a brief chat with Carmen over whether he’d been in all day (and making sure to drop off a coffee for her). You checked a couple of bars near Hogan Place before you pulled out all the legal stops, knowing you’d be able to find him.

You entered St Augestine’s quietly, not quite sure where in the church you would find your boyfriend, yourself not being any amount of religious you weren’t sure where one would go in a situation like this. You stepped into the entrance way to the chapel, spotting a solo figure hollowed over in the row of pews, quiet murmuring coming from his lips. You gave a soft sigh, making your way to him as quietly as you could as to not interrupt. You waited until he was done speaking, a shaky few breaths escaping his lips as he silenced himself before your hand laid itself on his shoulder. 

His face glanced up at you, eyes red rimmed with tears, a heartbroken look on his normally stoic features. He was not only surprised to see you there, but to see the pain etched across your face, the set of tears in your eyes. Before either of you could speak his hand encased yours, pulling you down to sitting beside him in the pew. You wrapped your arms around him tightly, your lips meeting his head gently, encouraging him to let it all out. It had been a rough time, both inside and outside of work, not to mention what would be considered your first real fight. Not that that mattered at all right now, you weren’t even mad about it the day it happened, knowing just how passionate Rafael got about things. He was the love of your life, and you would do anything to protect that, making sure he knew how much you cared. As his breathing finally slowed, your hand stroked at his cheek softly, the other one gently moving through his hair as his head slowly moved up to finally look at you.

“How’d you find me?” You gave him a sympathetic glance, hand stroking his face, 

“Your Mom called me.” He nearly cringed at that, “She wanted to make sure you were okay Rafa..I used the ‘find my Iphone’ app. I know your apple password.” You knew the situation was important, but you played by the rules, you weren’t about to go all NYPD and track your boyfriend’s cell phone through their database with no reason, you knew that violated a lot of protocols.

“I…just wanted to help her..” He buried himself against your shoulder, you felt a new shudder of emotion shaking through his body.

“I know.” You kissed his head softly, “You did everything you could Raf. You can’t blame yourself for this, believe me.” Your arm tightened around him, “You were the perfect Grandson, and she loved you more than anything.”

“I don’t think I was exactly perfect.” He muttered ,

“Well I spent a lot of time talking with her without you,” you rebutted, “And she loved you more than anything Raf, she believed in you, she knew you’d make her proud no matter what.”

“You know…one of the last things she ever said to me was that you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”

“Raf…” Your hand gave his thigh a squeeze,

“Carino..she’s right.” You felt a fresh set of tears break into your eyes for a complete different reason, “Life is incredibly hard, but the moment you came into mine, it became a million times easier. There are moments that go by that I still can’t believe you’re with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” You leaned in to gently kiss him, a smile evident on your lips, “What’d’ya say to going home Mi Amour?” Rafael let out a heavy sigh, his hand linking with yours as the two of you stood, he tugged you to him for a moment, wrapping his arms around you in a tight hug that you greatly accepted. A few long moments of the embrace continued before he softly pulled away.

“Thank you.” He met your lips with a light kiss, “I love you more than you could ever imagine.”

“Right back at’cha.” You quickly kissed him, your hand remaining linked with his as you made your way from the church, flagging down a cab when you made it to the street.


	9. Chapter 9

The next month and a half was definitely one of mourning, a disheartened fog hung thick in the apartment. Aside from grieving his Abuelita, Rafael knew you were going through the annually internal struggle of coping with your own Mother’s death. The two of you did your absolute best to stay strong for each other, making sure there was time carved out of your busy schedules to curl up on the couch together, reassuring each other that things would work out. You were lucky to have each other, and even more lucky that the events over the past little bit brought you tighter together rather than drive a wedge in between you. Especially considering what the upcoming year was about to throw at both the NYPD and the D.A’s office.

First it was discovered that the chief medical examiner was in fact, a serial killer, outed by the notorious Greg Yates, Rollins found out she was pregnant, you were thrown a new Sergeant who happened to be the Chief’s son and then Rafael brought home a case he was sure would spark a huge fight. Uni’s from another precinct had shot and killed an unarmed black teenager, quite literally emptying their clips into the poor kid. You’d been on the scene with the rest of the SVU crew to witness the aftermath. Olivia was quick to stand up for the uni’s, arguing with Barba, saying the cops were doing their job, and he expected the same thing from you considering you were part of the blue.

“Suppose this is the part where you yell at me for going after an indictment.” He muttered as he came in the door that evening, tugging out files to continue working.

“Are you kidding me?” You glanced up from your laptop and he could see the rage and melancholy burning in your eyes, “You weren’t at that scene Raf, there was absolutely no reason for _one_ of those pricks to unload his entire round into that kid, much less all three of them. One or two shots and he would’ve been subdued, it’s like these idiots forget they have tasers.”

“And if they’re claiming they were fearing for their lives?”

“Three people with guns vs someone they thought was armed?” You rolled your eyes, shutting the laptop, “I’d tell ‘em they should wear their vests more often. And I’ll testify to that.” You moved around the island to where he’d set up shop, kissing the side of his head. 

“I’d rather keep you out of this one.”

“Too prejudicial?”

“Yes.” You leaned in again, kissing his cheek softly,

“I’m gonna shower..” You’d made it a few steps away when he turned to you again, calling out towards the hallway.

“Carino?” Stopping, you turned to face him, leaning on the door frame. “Have..you ever killed someone?”

“Once.” You sighed heavily, “He’d kidnapped and raped an eleven year old girl. We managed to track him down to a hideaway house, my partner went in without backup, by the time I got inside the perp had a gun to my partner’s head, loaded and cocked, ready to shoot.”

“Sounds like you’re not the biggest firearm fan.” You let out a huff of a laugh, 

“Listen Raf, some of these guys, they head straight to the academy after high school, rising through the ranks if they feel like it. For them, all they care about is the power, feeling cool cause they’re a cop. I didn’t do it for the gun and the badge, I do it for the victims. I went to school, I got a degree, I took extra courses in psychology, crisis counselling, I’m heavily trained in first aid so if someone _is_ shot on a scene I can do my best for them to make it to a hospital, even if it is a perp. I’m here to solve their crimes and get them back into the world on the right foot. I could give a fuck if I had a gun on my hip or not. It may be protocol for me to draw my weapon in situations, but I do my damn best not to fire it. Indict these trigger happy bastards, it’s what they deserve.” Rafael couldn’t help the small smirk at your words,

“You did once say you were the cop that kept other cop’s toes in line.”

“I do my best to make sure innocent people don’t get killed. Just wish we would’ve gotten there faster, might’ve been able to stop them.” You turned at that, traipsing down the hallway as Rafael called after you.

“It’s not your fault!”

“I know.” You shouted back wearily from the bedroom.

*

You noticed Rafael a little more on edge as the trial for the three uni’s started, to be fair, everyone was a little on edge. The entire department was shaken up by the matter, and there were definitely more than one or two blow outs over the entire situation, not to mention the media. You did your best to keep your head down and keep doing what you were doing, there were plenty more cases to be working on. And it seemed like SVU wasn’t going to be let off easy. Benson got herself into a hostage mess in a townhouse, Yates and Rudnick managed to somehow escape Greenhaven which meant more visits from the Chicago P.D team, and then there was a giant mess of a sex ring involving the Catholic Church, corrupt cops, A.D.A’s and Judges. 

To say you were beyond exhausted was the ultimate truth. By the time May rolled around, you were more than thankful to be able to have a few days off. Rafael had suggested a nice dinner to celebrate your three year anniversary, you only groaned in response, not even wanting to think about putting on a dress and going out right now. You apologized when you saw the rejected look in his eyes, promising him you could do something in the following weeks, but for right now, you just wanted to curl up with take out and wine. You picked a date and Rafael softly kissed you, telling you that he’d plan it out, you had nothing to worry about.

Then came the Munson case, things were all hands on deck, and it was busy as ever at the precinct, as if you hadn’t taken down enough influential perps this year, you were now dealing with a corrupt C.O from Rikers. You’d spent the evening going over things with Dodds, files scattered across your desks, working much later than anticipated. It was only when Liv insisted the two of you be done for the night that you finally left the precinct. You were surprised to find Rafael at home already, thinking he’d still be at the office, this was a tough case, with a lot of pressure coming from higher ups and other departments. 

“Rafael…?”

“Hmm?” He didn’t bother looking up from the file he was reading.

“Wanna enlighten me as to why there’s a protective detail downstairs?” His head shot up at that, sputtering in response, his heart racing in his chest.

“I..uh. What?”

“You think I can’t recognize an unmarked car or two plain clothes? Did something happen with the case?”

“It..may not be related to the Munson case.”

“Oh?” He sighed heavily. Rafael hated the fact that he’d been keeping this secret, he just hadn’t thought it was that important until today, and he hadn’t wanted you to worry over nothing. 

“I’ve been getting threats since the Terrance Reynolds case. Nothing serious!” He shot out, seeing the sense of shock and worry on your face, “Just, hang up calls from burners, texts, things like that.”

“Okay…so I’ll repeat; why is there a protective detail downstairs?”

“Carino, you might want to stay somewhere else for a few days.”

“Rafael _what_ are you not telling me?” You cocked a brow, crossing your arms over your chest challenging him to continue withholding whatever it was.

“Today some punk threatened to throw me down the court house stairs and crack my skull.”

“Raf!” You started to move towards him, dropping your detective stance in worry, he cut you off with an extended hand.

“And I may have given him our home address.” He definitely should’ve seen the swift smack to the back of the head coming,

“Are you _kidding_ me Rafael!? Maldito idiota!” You let out a heavy groan, “You’ve been getting threats for the better part of a year and instead of reporting them, instead of telling your girlfriend, who may I remind you is a fucking cop, you give your actual address out to someone who threatened to kill you? How stupid are you?!”

“I didn’t want to worry you.” You rolled your eyes, “I wanted to keep you safe, keep you out of it as long as needed until it blew over.” 

“Well I’m in it now!”

“I’m sorry.” Your body language softened at the true remorse in his expression, moving in between his legs against the bar stool as you loosely linked your hands behind his neck.

“Apology accepted.” You met his lips for a soft kiss, humming in satisfaction at the way his hand cupped your cheek gently, the other arm resting on your hip. “You’re still an idiot.”

“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“Oh I know you will.” You flashed him a mischievous grin, “Put all this away and come to bed, that way you can _really_ make it up to me.” 

“I will gladly take that offer.” You laughed at the smirk he shot you before tightly pulling you to him in a much more heated kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you always.” You murmured against his lips, tugging him to stand, following you back to the bedroom.

*

Rafael was down at the precinct a couple of days later, they’d managed to track down and bring in the perp who’d threatened him and he needed to make an I.D with Carisi and Rollins.

“Where is everybody?” Rafael asked, gesturing to the relatively empty bull pen, ‘Congratulations Dodds’ banner still up along with a half eaten cake.

“Doin’ a closin’ job at Munson’s.” Sonny replied, dropping down into his desk.

“All of them?”

“Fin’s with the vic. It’s new policy with close jobs, one body per group of civilians, Liv, Dodds and Y/N, one gets the kids, one handles the wife, one handles Munson.” Rafael grimaced at the thought of you out there with someone like Munson, especially on a close job, he reminded himself that you always reassured him you could take care of yourself, but something just wasn’t sitting right.

Back in his office he had the news on in the background, an attempt to try and keep up with the case from the media’s perspective. His head shot up from his opening argument when a breaking news case broke through the screen, Munson’s mugshot splayed across the screen, the anchor mentioning that in a turn of events the man had taken his wife and two NYPD members hostage and shots had been fired by the man, conditions of the others currently unknown.

He felt his heart drop into the _absolute pit_ of his stomach, his pulse instantly began to race as the panic coursed through his veins. His brain flashed back to the conversation about guns you’d had earlier that year, how you used all plausible options before firing your weapon and in that moment, God did he ever wish you were one of the trigger happy ones instead. Barely thinking he grabbed his phone, tossing his jacket back on as he raced out of the D.A’s office, Lincoln Hospital was the closest one to the Bronx, the closest to the Munson’s house, it had to be where you were. His phone called you on repeat the entire twenty minute drive over, each time it hit your voicemail he felt his entire soul breaking. How on earth had he been so stupid to not tell you just how much he loved you each day he spent with you, that he loved you more than he could ever imagine, more than anything in the entire world.

His gut of where you would be was right on the nose as he sped into the waiting room, brass was everywhere, he spotted Olivia with Tucker, heading straight to them.

“Where is she?” He didn’t realize how out of breath he was, nor how shaky is words came out. Olivia barely glanced up at him, still in a daze of guilt, not properly thinking.

“‘Round the corner, second door on the left.”

That was at least something good, it meant you weren’t in surgery, it meant if you’d been hit you might be out for a while, but at least you were closer to being alive than he’d worried. Rafael didn’t even notice racing past Sonny as he exited the door Liv had specified, he practically collided right into you as you moved to the doorway.

“Raf-?” The only way you could describe the sound he let out was a choked back strangle of a cry. Your front was nearly completely covered in blood, a smear of it still on your neck you hadn’t realized was there. He roughly pulled you to him, wrapping his arms around you in the tightest hug possible, one of his hands cupping the back of your head, fingers tangling into the messy bun. You felt his body nearly shake against you as he melted into you, holding you there until he’d managed to control his breathing again, feeling that you were in his arms, that you were safe, not open on an operating table somewhere.

“Why the fuck haven’t you been answering your phone? I thought you were hit. Are you okay?!” He pulled back and you could see the tears brimming in his eyes. Your hand reached up to stroke his cheek gently, 

“Oh Rafa..I’m fine.” Your lips met his cheek, holding there for a moment, letting him realize you were real, and that you were really okay, “I was just giving blood, Mike’s…lost a lot..things aren’t looking good.”

“I’ve been calling you non stop for half an hour!” Your face scrunched, 

“My phone never went off..” You stepped over to a nearby chair, rummaging through the bag a nurse had given you to throw your blood soaked blazer in. You’d whipped it off as fast as you could to try and stop the bleeding in Mike’s abdomen at the Munson’s. Digging through it your hands hit both pockets, then shook the blazer out over the bag. Nothing. Your hands patted down the minimal pockets of your dress pants, double checking you hadn’t shoved it into your bra, you turned back to Rafael with a look of apology on your face, “I…I don’t have it. It must’ve fallen out at the house. Mi Amour, I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you like that.” Your hand grasped his, pulling it to your lips quickly before wrapping your arms around him once again, “I’m here, okay. I’m fine, I’m safe. I’m with you, and I love you always.”

“Marry me.” You almost didn’t hear the words muffled against your skin, pulling your head back to read his face.

“What?”

“I thought I’d lost you today, and the only thing I could think of the entire time was that I never told you _just_ how much I loved you. Carino you’re the only person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I love you more than _anything,_ and I’ve known that for a while now. Abuelita knew you were the one the moment she met you, it may have taken me a bit to catch up, but I know she wasn’t wrong. Marry me.” You were doing the best to control any amount of confusion or awe from expressing itself on your face, you couldn’t control the smallest of smiles, the tears brimming in your eyes at his admission. You knew you loved Rafael more than anything on the planet, and that you always would, you just had no idea he’d been on the same page.

“Is..is this because of..” You gestured slightly, insinuating to the whole hostage, getting shot situation.

“No.” He grasped your free hand in his, “Well, kind of, but the ring’s at the apartment. I had this whole plan for next week for our date, but I don’t want to wait any longer. I needed you to know now.” He felt his heart rate pick up again, but this time because he suddenly felt _incredibly_ vulnerable. He’d laid his feelings out on the table and it was your choice that would either crush them completely or elate him more than he could ever imagine.

“Oh Rafael…of course I’ll marry you!” A small giggle escaped your lips as he pulled you in for a kiss, this one more passionate than the others, “Te amo siempre.” You murmured against his lips, happy to have this little private moment to yourselves.

Truthfully, your little bubble of happiness remained just that. A few hours later, when Dodds was finally in the ICU, he ended up having a massive stroke and was declared legally brain dead. Rafael held you tighter when the news came in, knowing that your brain was racing through every moment in that house, the million things you could’ve done differently to end up with a different outcome, not to mention the shot could still have hit you in the heat of the moment. The squad reluctantly left the hospital in a sense of complete exhaustion, both mentally and physically, everyone coping with it in different ways, it always stung harder losing one of your own.

You and Rafael decided to keep the news of the engagement under wraps, out of respect for Mike and the Dodds’ family, it wasn’t exactly the time to be celebrating. While he did give you the ring the next morning, you only wore it around the house, making sure to stash it back in the little blue box before heading into work.

It was actually on accident nearly a month later, you’d been out running a couple errands, diamond on your hand when Liv called you in for a case. You had to drop everything and head into the precinct without the time to go home first and hadn’t even realized. You were in interrogation talking things through with the perp while she watched through the glass, smirking at how much you talked with your hands, the diamond ever so obvious. She turned to Rafael when he showed up, smile on her face,

“Congratulations.”

“What? The bastard that stupid?” She laughed, nodding towards the window, 

“That’s one hell of a ring.” Rafael felt his cheeks flush, a grin breaking out on his cheeks as he realized what she was talking about.

“Yeah, well, she deserves it. She deserves everything.”

“She really loves you, you know.” Liv smirked over at him, “I can always tell when she’s distracted texting you when she’s supposed to be working, the silly grin’s a dead giveaway.” Rafael couldn’t help the laugh at that,

“Sorry. I promise I’m not trying to distract your detectives.”

“‘S’long as you’re only distracting her, I’m fine. You make her happy, incredibly happy. And I’m happy for the two of you, really.”

“Thanks Liv.” He gave her a soft smile before turning his attention back to the interrogation room, his eyes lingering on you before fully tuning into the conversation. 

You made him so happy his heart nearly hurt, he couldn’t remember feeling like this in years, you’d swooped into his life and nearly stolen it all away. He knew how incredibly lucky he was to have you, how lucky he was that you said yes, that you excitedly put that ring on your finger, and now, would be able to proudly wear it.

The rest of the squad was pretty quick to find out at that point, everyone congratulating the two of you and teasing you about how you were stuck with Barba for the rest of your life now. You laughed it off, saying you wouldn’t have it any other way. Amanda of course was quick to suggest a night out to celebrate it, and honestly, thanks to the months prior, the squad neeeded something to celebrate, to be happy for, so you agreed. A night out with the team and Rafael at Beekman, you were quick to insist on no decorations or any kind of bullshit like a _‘bride to be’_ sash, this wasn’t the bachelorette party or anything. Though you didn’t miss the gleam in Rollins’ eye when you mentioned that, you knew you were in for it.

Lucia was over the moon, ecstatic that Rafael had _finally_ made the move and couldn’t wait for the wedding, which you quickly reminded her would probably take a while. You were leaning towards a longer engagement, both of your schedules so constantly busy and up in the air you figured you’d use the small amount of time off both of you had to decide on smaller things before booking a venue or setting a date, where was the rush anyways? You both loved each other more than you could imagine, a silly ceremony and piece of paper wasn’t going to change that.


	10. Chapter 10

“Are you even paying attention to the movie?” Rafael’s voice broke through you distracted train of thought, his hand playing with your hair stilling. You were lying on the couch, head in his lap, it rolled up to face him,

“Sorry, Sonny just keeps harassing me.”

“Do you need to go?” 

“No.” You gently grasped the hand that had been buried in your hair, kissing it softly, “He’s been on my case all year wanting to do engagement photos. I have a feeling if we don’t let him do them soon he’ll come barging in here.” Rafael couldn’t help the scoff and eye roll, causing you to laugh, “It’s been a year Raf! He knows our four years is coming up, he means well.”

“Yeah well he’s a little to eager..in all aspects.”

“You need to cut him a little slack.” You rolled back to face the t.v, “Besides, your Mom has added me to about a million Pinterest boards. If we don’t set a date soon I think she might kill us both.” Your fiancée chuckled above you, hand stroking the hair behind your ear gently so he could see at least part of your face.

“Okay..so..May?” You rolled your head back up to face him, a nearly horrified look on your face, 

“Next month!? I’m no bridezilla but a wedding takes longer than a month to plan. Unless you want to elope, in which case your mother _will_ murder us.” Rafael laughed, leaning down to kiss your forehead softly.

“ _Next_ May. We had our first date in May, we got engaged in May, it fits the timeline.” You hummed at the way he stroked at your cheek, “You’re still okay with a long engagement, right? Or did you want to set an earlier date?” His concern was present in his eyes when you met his gaze, a soft smile on your face, you pushed yourself up to sitting.

“May sounds perfect.” Your hand cupped his cheek, the kiss meeting his lips full of love and adoration, “I would wait forever as long as I got to marry you Mi Amour. I love you always.”

“I love you forever.” He murmured against your lips, reeling at the feeling of your smile against him. Rafael could still barely believe you’d fallen in love with him, you meant everything to him, and he could only hope that he meant as much to you as you did to him. Though, he knew exactly what the little gleam in your eye meant when he caught it across the courtroom or bull pen, the little quips that the squad missed completely, and the very personal purple post its that accompanied the case files. You dropped down into his lap again, a quick couple of clicks on your phone before your arm extended it up to Rafael, 

“Pin the stuff you don’t hate.”

“Pin?” You laughed heartily.

“Okay…screenshot it…you know how to do that, right?” You cast him a wicked grin that he rolled his eyes at as he took your phone into his hands.

Despite the movie playing in front of you, the two of you ended up spending the next couple of hours laughing over ridiculous wedding venues, tropes and the like. Rafael could barely believe his own mother had sent you half of what she did, though he did comment on a few things, specifically how stunning you would look in a few of the dresses. The compliment made you flush, the dress board being one of your own, you took special note of his choices, hoping for the best reaction you could get on your special day. 

Naturally, Lucia hadn’t pinned any places for the ceremony, hoping that the two of you would be married in a church. Despite yourself not being raised by any religion, you were quick to agree, knowing it was important to Rafael and Lucia, almost more importantly, that it would be important to Catalina. She may have physically been gone from your lives, but she was present as ever every day among the three of you.

Very reluctantly of Rafael, you let Carisi do a handful of engagement photos throughout Central Park. It wasn’t exactly your style, and you knew Rafael wasn’t having the best of times, but the few candid photos you got out of it truly showed your love towards each other. Those little moments when one thought the other wasn’t paying attention made everything worth it, the complete adoration in their eyes as they looked at the other one. You were surprised when Sonny asked for nothing in return, insistent that you at least buy him dinner. A few of the photos found their way around your apartment, your heart always swelling a little bit when you saw the gleam in Raf’s eye as he glanced at them. 

You enjoyed the relatively slow time at SVU as much as you both could it was astonishing the amount of cases that came through that were open and shut, simple ones with not too much investigation involved. 

Naturally, that could only last so long before things started to get hectic again. SVU caught a case that originally was thought to be part of a pattern rapist/murderer. It was only after questioning the vic’s sister, and boyfriend (whom she’d broken up with that evening) who was also her manager that things started to not make sense. A copy cat started to make much more sense, but there hadn’t been that much evidence reported to the media. Then Fin’s rope guy suddenly took back his statement, showing up at the riverside with a gun, then an article about Liv and Amanda being single mothers…and where exactly their kids came from while they worked sex crimes.

Then, you got a call, the voice was distorted, but you could still make out exactly what they were saying. Even if you didn’t, you got an untraceable email with all the information and bank statements that you knew to be true containing all the information you needed. You discreetly printed them off before asking Olivia if you could take an hour for lunch, buried in her own work, she barely acknowledged you before agreeing, and you quickly sped down to Hogan Place.

“Carino, I didn’t expect to see you today.” Rafael glanced up from his paperwork suddenly taken aback by the expression on your face. You dropped the pile of papers onto his desk,

“Who the _fuck_ is Ashtonja Abreu?” His heart jumped into his chest, words jumbling out of his mouth as he tried to ramble his thoughts into a coherent sentence, watching the tears do their best to stay in your eyes. “I love you Rafael, I really, really do, and that part of me wants to believe what I pray is the truth, what my gut tells me is the truth, because you’re my fiancée, and I know you’d never lie to me. But today I got a phone call saying that you were paying a sixteen year old for sex, and the bank records prove you’ve been sending money to her. Raf..please..tell me there’s something else going on. Because the part of me that’s worked sex crimes for nine years can only think of the wives who find out the man they married twenty years ago isn’t who they thought.” You were barely holding back tears by now, deep in your heart you knew Rafael couldn’t be guilty of this but there was something going on, and you couldn’t bare to wait any longer, “Please…please don’t be like that…”

“Oh Carino…” Rafael swiftly moved from behind his desk, tucking you in his arms for a moment, calming you before sitting you on the couch beside him. “There is nothing going on. I should have told you…” His eyes didn’t meet yours and you swatted at the side of his thigh. He took a shaky breath “Ashtonja’s mother was the sole witness in a case I worked years ago, she was so freaked after the trial….she asked for a loan to help her through…”

“A drug loan…” You let out the hefty sigh you barely knew you were holding.

“I…gave it to her..and she overdosed that night. Ashtonja’s her daughter…the guilt…it ate me up inside everyday, how on earth could I let a girl grow up without her mother? She lives with her grandmother now…they can barely make ends meet without it.”

“Oh Raf…” You sighed, pressing your lips to the side of his head, “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have come in here all accusatory.” His arm wrapped around your shoulders, giving you a soft squeeze.

“It’s okay. Like you said, in your line of work you see people who have loved each other for years and not know the real them.”

“But I should still trust you first.” Rafael held a finger to your lips, 

“You trust your gut. When has it ever lead you wrong before?” You couldn’t help but give a small smile to his grin.

“I love you always.” You murmured, kissing him softly.

“I love you too.” He pecked your lips quickly, “But I’m calling Liv, I want you off the case.” He nearly jumped from the couch, phone already dialing in his hand.

“Excuse me?!” He shot you a glare,

“Your mother was brutally murdered by Nelson. His cell mate got out two months ago, god knows who else he came across in his time in Sing Sing. If this bastard has access to my banking information, to adoption records, he’ll find your legal name in no time and the last thing I want is for you to get hurt, or worse…”

Rafael couldn’t help the softened look in his eyes as he took you in, the annoyed but submissive look on yours as his free arm wrapped around you, pulling you to him. You could hear your Captain’s voice on the other end of the line, accepting, though frustratingly, that both of you were recused from the case. You knew she was running pretty slim after he’d come after so many of the squad already, but you knew there was no going back out there with Rafael’s protective arm wrapped around you. 

At the very least, a few days off meant that the two of you actually got to start settling down some wedding details. Not that either of you were particularly invested in it, you knew it would be a small ceremony and celebration, but you met with Lucia and a handful of priests/churches until one was deemed acceptable. You slowly started to talk about your wedding parties, who would be where, and eventually settled on a reception location, finally booking it six months later, a lovely outdoor private garden. It seemed that every day you came home from wedding planning the two of you would fall into each other’s arms laughing, thankful for the relief of each other, you truly only wanted each other, nothing else mattered. Every night you went to bed you’d snuggle against each other, you’d tell Rafael “I love you always” and he’d reply with the “I’ll love you forever.” Before the two of you would drift off into a blissful sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

If there was one thing that you absolutely hated it was desk duty, and if there was one thing you hated more than that, it was being sent home by your Captain and on insistence by your fiancé when in your opinion, you could at least handle paperwork. Truthfully, when you did get home you realized how terrible you still felt, how exhausted your body was, and that maybe this was a good idea. You’d had a very small medical issue, an allergic reaction that slightly kicked your ass but you were fine, you’d already taken two weeks off, and a week of desk duty for it.

Now…you were just absolutely bored out of your skull. You’d flipped through the wedding planning already, marking a few pages with post its for Rafael to look over when he had the time, made lunch with enough leftovers for the rest of the week, and watched about three hours of mindless t.v. You were every so thankful when your favourite office gossip texted you to update you on what you were missing, a kidnap case morphing into one of Mom vs. Dad on whether they were okay to withdrawal life support on their basically already brain dead baby. You grimaced at the sound of it, thinking maybe you were better off at home. 

When seven p.m. rolled around and Rafael still had yet to reply to your text you figured he was in it for the long run, the least you could do was bring him some dinner, even if he would complain about you being out of the house. Grabbing a container of leftovers you wrapped your coat tighter around you and made your way into the chilly city streets. You passed Jack McCoy as you came off the elevator, nodding a polite hello to him before making it to Barba’s office, not surprised to see Carmen already gone. The brief knock at the door made Rafael turn from the widow, scotch clutched in his hand.

“Carino? _What_ are you doing here? You should be at home.”

“Raf..I’m fine.” You stepped into the office with a roll of your eyes, kissing his cheek gently as you placed the Tupperware on his desk, “Besides, we both know you were going to forget to eat. ‘Manda told me about the case, it’s a tough one.”

“It’s a dumpster fire.” He gruffed, taking a swig of scotch.

“I saw McCoy on my way in, he pressuring you to prosecute?” Rafael simply took another sip of his drink, not meeting your eye. Your hand grasped his free wrist, turning his attention to you, “Hey..what’s goin’ on inside that head of yours?” His eyes met yours and he practically melted at the concern splayed on your face, the warmth of support and love echoing from your eyes to his.”

“My father…”He muttered. Right. He had told you about that pretty early on, “I was selfish to keep him alive. He wasn’t scared of   
death he was scared of dying, and…Baby Drew..he’s dying everyday.”

“Mi amour.” You stroked his cheek softly, “Don’t drown yourself in guilt from seven years ago, it’s not going to help anyone. Especially you. And certainly not Baby Drew.” Finally he turned his attention fully onto you, a weakened smile on his face.

“I know.” He wrapped an arm around you waist, kissing your forehead as he held you in his embrace, ever so incredibly thankful to have you in his life, not entirely sure what he would do without you. “Go home.” He pecked your lips quickly.

“You sure?”

“Yes.” He gestured to the wild mess of papers on his desk, “I’ve got to figure out at least some of this case and that could take hours.”

“Okay.” You gave his arm a reassuring squeeze, popping up on your toes to kiss his cheek, “Don’t forget to eat. I love you always.” You were slightly surprised when he tugged you back to him, lips meeting the crown of your head for an extended kiss, hand cupping the back of your hair.

“I’ll love you forever.” He murmured against your skin, giving your lips one last kiss before you gave him a soft smile, leaving the office.

*

You were practically passed out on the couch, Netflix marathon still going on in front of you, it was nearly 1:30 in the morning and you were starting to wonder if you should put out a call for a missing persons. You’d just picked up your phone to text Olivia when you finally heard keys in the door.

“Rafa…there you are…” Your voice trailed off at the sight of your fiancée finally returning to the apartment, “Thought you’d be home hours ago.” His eyes avoided yours as he shrugged off his coat, dropping it to the hook in the entryway while his bag heavily met the floor. Your brows furrowed at the way he barely acknowledged you, quickly moving down they hallway to your room, the sound of scuffling around, a zipper or two being pulled piqued your interest. 

You gave a tired sigh, pausing the t.v in front of you, knowing that Rafael had been having a hard time with this case, padding you way to the bedroom. You leant yourself against the doorframe, an instant of shock taking over your face as you saw a suitcase on the bed.

“Rafael.” You began to move into the room, “What are you doing?” He continued to toss things into the suitcase, moving through the room, collecting more than a handful of clothes, your heart rate picking up as he grabbed his phone charger and tablet along with a few other important pieces. He crossed into the bathroom, tossing a handful of toiletries into the bag before your hand strongly grasped his wrist, finally bringing his eyes to yours. “Rafael..what the fuck are you doing?” Your voice wavered slightly, tugging him to you as he tried to pull away.

“I fucked up…” He muttered, his gaze not meeting yours.

“I don’t understand why that means you need to pack a bag? Mi amour, _what_ is going on? You were _fine_ seven hours ago.” Rafael stuttered, trying to pull away from you again, barely daring to meet your eye.

“Baby Drew….” He muttered, his eyes glued to the floor.

“What happened?” After the talk in his office earlier, his _very_ late night out, the smell of scotch on his breath you felt your heart rate pick up, worrying that the stress had made him make a very stupid decision in a bar with someone else. Rafael tossed a few other items into his suitcase before zipping it up, finally looking up at you, the tears ever so clear in his eyes.

“He couldn’t see, he couldn’t hear, he couldn’t smell, he couldn’t even breath without the machines.”

“Why is everything you’re saying in _past_ tense?” Your stomach flopped, but this time not with the thought of Rafael cheating on you, but something that would land him in one hell of a lot more hot water.

“Mrs Householder couldn’t do it herself. I told her to leave…and I pulled the metaphorical plug.” He felt his heart drop into his stomach at the lightning flash look of disdain that shot across your face before you were able to compose yourself, the look he knew was coming. How could you love someone, how could you see a _future_ , with someone like him, someone who thought letting a baby die was the right move. He’d only been thinking for himself and the baby in the moment, forgetting that he had someone to answer to at home, not just in the courts. “It’s too late for me to ask for forgiveness.” Your heart clenched at the way he moved passed you towards the door without a second glance, 

“You could go to prison Rafa!”

“Don’t you think I know that?!” He rounded on you, the anger seeping through his voice, “And what?! You and Mami will come out to visit me once a week for the _rest of my life_?! I highly doubt that. I’ll be tried for murder, you need to disassociate yourself from me. It’s over.”

“Rafa, no!” Tears broke into your eyes, barely able to meet the reddened ones of his. “You can’t mean it…we can work through this. I know you’re going though a lot but this doesn’t need to end…. I love you always.” You choked over the last word, begging him to return the sentiment as he usually would.

“Carino, please.” He begged, “I can’t drag you through this mess. I made it, I need to deal with the consequences…alone. You deserve so much better than me…”

“Raf..you can’t be serious…” You felt the tears burning in the corners of your eyes, daring to fall, your vision nearly blurry. “I don’t care what happened, I love you…” Rafael took a shaky sigh, his eyes unable to meet yours, 

“Y/N. I am serious. I can’t do this anymore.” He dared to meet your reddened eyes for a briefest of seconds.

“What? No! Rafael! You might not get convicted! _Call Rita!_ She’ll be able to get you out of this, at least be able to get a plea.” Rafael was ashamed to admit it, but he was even more ashamed of what he’d done, the last thing he wanted to do was call one of his oldest friends to get him out of something like this. 

“If I don’t end up in jail I’m leaving the city.” He sighed, “I need the ring back.”

“But-“

“Please.” He dared to meet your eyes one last time, hating that he did, feeling the punch to the gut at the absolute anguish in them. He’d never hated himself more than he did in that moment, knowing he was completely breaking your heart.

“After _five fucking years_ I would’ve thought you’d had more decency.” You spat, choking over a sob as you ripped the diamond off your finger, tossing it to the kitchen island before turning back down the hallway, Rafael didn’t deserve to see your tears. As soon as you heard the apartment door close you broke into a fit of tears, collapsing onto the bed, your head in your hands.

Sure, the two of you had had one hell of a year between work and the cases and problems it threw at you, but that seemed ages ago, the past year sandwiched between the tough times and tonight. It was so out of left field you wouldn’t have been able to see it coming with a fucking telescope. Sure, he’d been upset at the office earlier, but this…this was something completely unexpected.

You just couldn’t understand why Rafael wouldn’t let you help him through this. Sure, he was stubborn as hell, especially when it came to his independence, but to instantly give in and run from his problems afterwards was so unlike him. You thought he’d have more fight in him, apparently this case had affected him much more than he had let on, even to you, in the privacy of your home.

By the time you’d managed to finish crying you felt completely deserted, an emptiness in your chest you weren’t sure would ever go away. You’d been alone for so long, unsupported and unloved, you’d learnt how to deal with it, how to take care of yourself, what to do when you were feeling down. Then came Rafael, throwing your life upside down in the best possible way he could. You loved always, and he always said he would love you forever. This wasn’t the way someone who would love you forever would treat you, right? 

You gingerly pushed yourself up from the bed, moving to splash some cold water on your face before pouring a hefty glass of   
scotch. Grabbing your phone you made a quick call to Olivia, asking for a couple more days off, you assured her it was fine to use vacation days considering you’d already been out ‘sick’ for weeks, the paid vacation would help. Figuring you wanted the extra time with Rafael, Olivia quickly agreed, reassuring you to call if you needed anything.

It was only when you didn’t show to his arraignment that she clued in that there was more than what met the eye going on. Not able to get anything out of Rafael she showed up at your apartment, her concern rising at the near empty bottle of wine on the counter and how disheveled you looked.

“You wanna talk about it?” She softly asked as she moved into the apartment, “I thought I’d see you at arraignment.” You gave a weary sigh, crossing your arms as you leaned against the island. The days of crying and tears were over, you were well into the days of resentment and anger, the tears only coming at night as you cried yourself to sleep in an empty and cold bed. To say your emotions were running high was an understatement.

“It’s hard to support someone who doesn’t want your support.”

“Well he can get a little pig headed at times. I’m sure he’d want you at the trial.”

“I doubt that.”

“Hey, he’ll make bail, be home in a few hours, you guys can talk it out then.” You practically cut her off, knowing that beating around the bush was completely useless.

“Liv, he left me.” Shock took over her face, thoughts scrambling in her brain in an attempt to understand. The two of you always seemed so hopelessly in love, the way you spoke about each other made Olivia a little jealous, wishing she could find a powerful love like that. Not to mention the wedding was only three months away, she could see the garment bag housing your dress thrown over the back of a chair in the living room.

“What?”

“The night he pulled the plug. Came home, packed a bag, told me it was over…asked for the ring back and everything.” Turning slightly you topped up your wine glass, taking a large swig.

“I’m so sorry…” Her hand gave your arm a reassuring squeeze, “Maybe he’s just worried about being convicted?”

“He said if he gets off he’s leaving the city. I’ve tried calling but he never answers, not even to texts, he’s _already_ shut me completely out.” A shaky sigh escaped your lips as you glanced up at your Captain, “I don’t know how I’m supposed to get over him. Rafael was the love of my life…”

“Oh sweetheart..” Olivia stepped towards you, wrapping you in a tight hug, “It’ll take time, and it’s not gonna be easy, but I know you’ll come out on the other side stronger.” You gave a watery muffled thanks against her coat, tears dripping onto the fabric, ever grateful for your Captain.

Just as Olivia had promised, it certainly wasn’t easy. You avoided the trial, at least relieved to hear the verdict came back not   
guilty, still holding your breath over the entire situation. Though the verdict didn’t give him a change of heart. McCoy approached you in the hall, urging you to try and do something about Rafael handing in his resignation. You simply snorted in response, saying you certainly didn’t have any pull there anymore before stepping into the elevator. The next shift you worked was an overnight, bored as hell in the squad room until after the sun came up, finally getting back to your apartment at 9:00 a.m. You felt your breath catch in your thought at the sight, although all of the big things, furniture and the like were all there you felt another pit in your stomach at the missing nick nacks in the living room. The second bedroom he’d fashioned into a home office was completely emptied out, his side of the closet completely clear, leaving another giant hole in your heart. Just for the sake of it, you tried his phone again, not surprised when it rang six times before cutting off. 

He really was gone.

*

The next few weeks at SVU were rough for everyone, there was constant clashing with the new A.D.A, especially from Olivia since he’d been the one to prosecute Barba’s case. Not to mention simply adjusting to someone else handling all of their cases, you weren’t surprised when most of the team gave the cold shoulder to Stone. Not that you cared, he was just doing his job, and you certainly didn’t care that he’d taken on what used to be Rafael’s, the man broke you, so what if someone took his job…especially considering he resigned.

Olivia was defeated, annoyed and frustrated with Stone, with the arguments, the bickering, the not being able to see eye to eye at all. She felt like if she spent another minute in the same room with him she’d end up decking him, so she escaped to the only place he wouldn’t be able to follow her, the women’s washroom. As she leant over the sink, trying to regain her composure, knowing that she had to keep her attitude in line considering she was Captain, she realized the other washroom occupant was vomiting, a small cough echoing from the stall before the flush. When it was you that unlocked the door, she met your gaze through the mirror,

“Please don’t tell me I’m gonna have to send you home with the flu, we’re already so short staffed.” Carisi was undercover, Fin was out sick, things weren’t exactly all rosy around the precinct.

“It’s not the flu..” You grumbled, moving to the sink to rinse your mouth before washing your hands.

“You hit the wine too hard because of Barba?” You crossed your arms over your chest, the side of your hip leaning against the sink.

“It certainly has something to do with Rafael..” Liv’s brows furrowed, taking in the glassy look of your eyes, realizing it wasn’t   
just from the puking. You took a shaky breath before meeting her gaze, she was gonna find out eventually, may as well be now. “I’m pregnant…”

“Oh..God..” She could barely comprehend what you must be going through at the moment.

“That..medical issue that had me out last month? My doctor swapped my IUD for a copper one, I had a bad reaction to it and they were waiting a month before putting the new one in to make sure everything was okay. It’s standard procedure to take a pregnancy test before getting one put in…we must’ve…forgotten. I..feel so fucking stupid.”

“Hey..hey..don’t..” Olivia’s hand squeezed at your shoulder, her voice soft with worry and support.

“I’m so scared Liv…I don’t know if I can do this alone…”’ You quickly swiped at the tear that manage to escape, streaming down your cheek. “You and Amanda, you’re so fucking brave, strong. I don’t have much fight left in me after…everything.”

“Oh sweetheart.” She pulled you into a hug, “You are the farthest thing from alone, you hear me? _Everyone_ here has your back, we’re a family, you know that. Hell, Carisi will be more than excited about another baby in the squad.” You gave a watery laugh at that, “If…that’s what you want. This is your choice, remember?”

“I know..” You gave her a weak smile, “But I’ve always wanted kids, even if it is in a situation like this. I mean..what’re the chances I’ll trust someone else after all this? I just…wish I had a way to tell him..he deserves to know at the very least, right?”

“He..didn’t leave a forwarding address or anything?” Olivia was shocked at that, sure, he hadn’t left her with anything, but she thought at least the super would have something for any delayed mail.

“No.” You shook your head, “I’ve tried everything. His phone’s different, email’s all redirected to spam, any social media he had taken down, he’s cut himself off from the world completely.”

“What about his Mom?” Your head shot up to Liv’s, 

“God I didn’t even think of that. Fuck, I’m stupid, he must’ve left her with something!”

“First..stop calling yourself stupid. You’re dealing with a hell of a lot right now, okay.” You gave her a weak nod, “Second…take the rest of the day off, go talk to Lucia, see if she can contact him.”

“Okay.” Olivia gave you a soft hug before she let you leave the bathroom.

“And you calll if you need anything. I can redirect any pregnancy or birth questions to Rollins. We’ve got your back, okay?”

“Thanks Liv.”

*

Knowing Lucia would still be at the school until the evening, you headed home first, giving your exhausted body exactly what it needed, sleep. You managed to get some food down before jumping on the train to the Bronx, your heart nearly hammering in your chest. You hadn’t spoken to Lucia since before everything blew up, and you weren’t sure what Rafael had told her, if anything, you only prayed you weren’t to blame in her opinion.

“Y/N! Thank God, I’ve been waiting for one of you to call for weeks.”

“Sorry Lucia…” You practically mumbled as she ushered you into her apartment, guiding you to the couch while she busied herself in the kitchen to grab some snacks and tea.

“I’m so glad you’re here! How’s Rafi? I can’t believe he’s enough of an idiot to risk going to prison, you tell him I need him to call me, okay? His own mother shouldn’t have to find out from the news that her son’s being tried in court. What?” She stopped suddenly, looking across the breakfast bar as she took in the sorrow on your face.

“Lucia…he’s gone..he left two days after the verdict came back.”

It appeared that Rafael Barba had decided to cut himself from everyone he knew and the entire world as he knew it. There was no plan to come back. He was done, completely moved on already.

“What?” Her attention on the food was abandoned, quickly moving to your side on the couch.

“I’ve been trying to contact him for weeks, everything’s shut off or changed. You were my last hope, that he left you with some kind of information, I _really_ need to talk to him.” As she grasped at your hands her fingers felt the absence of the ring, her breath catching in her throat.

“Did that son of a bitch leave you too?” You couldn’t help the watery laugh at how quickly Lucia was to turn to your side, giving her a small nod as the tears began to slowly fall down your face. God how you misssed having your Mother around, she always knew what to do, she would’ve been a world of help right now. At least…so far…you had Lucia. “He’s an idiot for that, I hope you know.” She wrapped an arm around you, letting you softly cry into her shoulder, “You were the greatest thing that ever happened to him, and if he’s let you go, that’s the greatest mistake he’s ever going to make in his entire life. I’m so sorry…he didn’t give me anything. You know if he did I’d give it to you in an instant.” Your head nodded agaisnt her shoulder.

“I know.” You sniffled, wiping away at a few tears, “I’m just..scared..” You lifted your head, feeling another wave of nausea surging through you for an entirely different reason, “I don’t have any family, I’m alone in this. You and Raf..you were all I had..”

“Sweetheart just because my son was a coward and abandoned you doesn’t mean I’ll do the same, you have my support whenever you need it.”

“Thank you..”You wrung your hands together, suddenly finding them more interesting than anything else in the room, “Uhm..do you remember the day you asked if I was going to give you grand babies…” You dared to meet her eye.

“Yes. It was-“ Her eyes widened in realization, “Oh…oh..are you?”

“Yeah…”

“Rafael doesn’t know?”

“I did _everything_ I could. I didn’t find out until after he was gone, believe me…if I could track him down he would know.”

“Don’t hate yourself for this. And you don’t need to be scared. I’ll be there for you every step of the way, if my grandbaby’s coming into the world I’m going to be a part of its life.” She abruptly stopped, taking a breath, “If that’s what you want. I may not support..termination…but this is a sticky situation, and I understand if that’s the choice you want to take.” Tears in your eyes you shook your head, 

“I really don’t. I want to have this baby, I’m just not sure I can do it without Rafael.”

“Screw him. You don’t need him okay?” She wiped a tear off your cheek, “You’ve got me, you’ve got the support of your friends. From my knowledge you’re not the first single mom in that squad, you’re a strong, independent, powerful woman Y/N. Motherhood may be daunting, but I know you’re going to be incredible at it.”

“Thank you.” Lucia wrapped you in a hug, soothing you, reminding you that this would blow over, that everything would be okay. 

You felt a small weight lift off you, you knew you had one hell of a road ahead of you, but at least you knew you’d have support, that Lucia was more than willing to be an incredible Abuelita to your child. True to her word, she made sure she was at as many doctor’s appointments as possible, texting you homemade remedies for the morning sickness, the back pain and the like, making sure you were as comfortable as you could be. When you found out the sex, you took her to lunch, asking if she was okay with you using the name Catalina, in honour of her mother. It was with happy tears in her eyes that she whole heartedly agreed, more than happy to have her legacy live on in another generation. 

As tough as you knew things would be over the next couple of years, you were ever thankful for the support from the literal only ‘family’ you had and your squad. Rollins gave you as much insight as she could to the newborn stage, Carisi naturally babbled on about his various sisters and their kids, half of which you found yourself rolling your eyes at. You were ever thankful at the amount of hand me downs you were able to get from them, old toys, clothes, bassinets and the like. Before you knew it, the second bedroom in your apartment was exactly that, set up for the arrival of your baby girl.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this universe there was no contact with the squad, no FaceTime with Liv.

Roughly four years had passed, you’d dealt with your grief, leaning on Olivia, helping each other through it. They’d been such close friends it affected her in a similar way it hurt you and the two of you were pretty quick to discover you had more in common than you’d realized. True to what she’d told you the day you disclosed about your pregnancy, the squad was more than thrilled with the news (once it was clear that you were excited about it, despite the other situation) and were more than ready and willing to step in and help out whenever they could. Lucy recommended a handful of nanny friends that understood the demanding schedule of an SVU detective that you met with before choosing one to help out with Catalina. Lucia was by at least once a week with dinner, spending as much free time with her granddaughter that she could.

Sonny ended up being the one who stepped up the most, you weren’t surprised, he was the one that didn’t already have his own kids to take care of (or a squad to run). He would spend a couple of evenings a week with the two of you, especially when Catalina was still a newborn, giving you time to shower/eat/attempt to do anything you had to get done. He’d usually spend a few hours cooking to help you meal prep for the week, and everytime you reminded him that he was an absolute godsend. 

*  
Rafael stood outside the precinct, an uneasiness sitting in the pit of his stomach. He hadn’t planned on returning to New York yet, and most certainly hadn’t planned on returning in this situation, but when Rita called saying she had an open spot at her firm that was his for the taking, he had to jump at the offer. He knew it wasn’t ideal, but the handful of clients he was taking on were mainly embezzlement’s, white collar stuff, people he could avoid SVU with for a bit. Unfortunately for everyone, it didn’t last long, his first case being an assault collar. And now here he was, outside the 16th precinct, completely unaware of what kind of a welcome he would be getting from anyone he was about to reunite with.

Inside, Olivia stood with Sonny outside of interrogation two, discussing the case at hand.

“He’s lawyered up, we’ve gotta wait to finish talkin’ to him. I’m not risking anything that could be thrown out at trail, do we know who is counsel is?” Sonny sputtered off, half paying attention to his phone. 

“No idea.” Liv replied, she felt her phone buzz in her pocket, about to reach for it when a familiar, yet distant voice broke through the hallway.

“I’m here for my client.”

Two heads instantly shot up towards the man, utter shock and confusion splayed across their features. Carisi’s brow furrowed, his usual sunny aura infected with a large ray of darkness, his heart suddenly palpitating in his chest at the thought of going up against an old friend who he considered a mentor the past five years (though a dick for abandoning New York with no notice).

“Barba?!” Liv was the first to speak, her mouth nearly gaping at the sight of the used to be prosecutor back in her squad room. Rafael felt the second cold stab to his gut at the use of his last name, the coolness that was hiding behind her words. “What the hell?”

“My client?” He opted to stick with the cold work route, at least for now, maybe have some (hopefully) friendly chit chat later on. Carisi stepped back, waving an arm towards the interrogation room door. “Thank you detective.”

“It’s Counsellor now…you’d know that if you’d bothered to keep in touch.” The older man gave a stiff nod, disappearing to the other side of the glass, Sonny turned to the Captain, “Did you know he was back?”

“No…” She swiped the message on her phone, wondering what yet another defence attorney could want from her, the text Rita   
sent simply saying;

_‘Take this as my heads up. Morrison’s retained counsel from my firm, it’s Barba. I’ve called Y/N, but maybe try and get her out of the precinct until he’s gone?’_

Yeah…that message would’ve been nice to get about five minutes earlier. Olivia sighed, shooting off a quick thanks in reply. She gestured toward the window, 

“Keep watching. And you tell him I want him in my office when he’s done in there.”

“‘Course Cap.”

*

You were currently partnered up with Amanda, out in the field chasing down leads on one of your current cases. You were just about to get out of the car to question bar staff where the vic had been drinking the night before when your phone started to buzz with an incoming call.

“You need to take that?” 

“No…” Your brows furrowed at the name flashing on the screen, “It’s just Calhoun, probably trying to fend us off.” You silenced the call, shoving your phone back into your pocket before the two of you made you way inside. During your chat you felt your phone buzz a few more times, checking it once you were back in the car.

“Anything important?”

“Labs are back. And Liv says to take an extended lunch? Guess she doesn’t need us back right away?”

In the end, both you and Amanda decided to just grab some take out on the way back to the precinct, eager to get digging through security footage and financial records you’d managed to track down that morning. Right as you stepped out of the elevator your phone started buzzing again, this time with Lucia’s name flashing across the screen. You knew this was one you had to answer, causing you to wave off whatever it was Fin was trying to tell you. Your face morphed into one of worry, moving swiftly through the bull pen to Olivia’s office, not bothering to knock, your attention still half on your phone and half riddled with worry.

“Cap, Catalina fell of the swings, her arm might be bro-ken…” Your heart basically stopped as you glanced up, realizing that she not only had company in her office, but it was none other than Rafael Barba himself. Your brows scrunched, glancing between the two of them, a million emotions rushing through your head. You could feel the blood thumping in your ears, tears practically threatening to sneak into your eyes, you were both utterly enraged and completely heartbroken again all at the same time. It was suddenly like no time had passed, as if he had left you in that cold apartment less than twenty four hours ago.

Rafael felt his heart jump into his throat, Benson said you were out in the field, that you wouldn’t be back til mid afternoon. As much as he’d known his appearance at the 16th could involve a run in with you, and as much as he thought he was prepared, there was no way he was ready for this. His mind flashed back to that night, the disdain and anguish he’d witnessed surge through your eyes, feeling like a complete idiot for not only all of that but the fact that he’d been stupid enough to show back up in New York with absolutely no warning. 

“I-uh-what the fuck?!” You barely realized the profanity that slipped from your mouth as you managed to drag your eyes away from your ex to your Captain.

“Calhoun said she called you…”

“She did.” You let out a weary breath, “I ignored it…” Now it made sense as to why you were getting random calls from a defence attorney. He must’ve been brought on by her firm, Rita had been around enough to know about Catalina, and she was a good enough person she was trying to give you a heads up that you’d completely missed.

“Well…Barba here was just explaining to me why the _hell_ he’s working for the defence.” Olivia broke the awkward silence, the infliction and tone of her voice made you aware that she was just as surprised and upset as you were.

“What?! I-“ You couldn’t even manage to look at him, dragging your eyes back to Olivia, “I’ve gotta go, she’s at Mercy.”

“Go. Take the rest of the day.”

“Thank you.” With that you were gone, the door practically slamming behind you loud enough for Rafael to wince. He should’ve known better than to show back up on _your turf_ with no warning, though…that wasn’t the pressing matter at the moment, the words you first uttered when you didn’t know he was in the office echoing through his brain, wires spinning doing his best to understand them but not jump to conclusions.

“Catalina?” His voice was barely over a whisper, his heart hammering in his chest, not missing the importance of the name. Olivia gave a soft sigh, she wished you could’ve been the one to reveal it, but knew there was no getting around it anymore.

“Y/N’s daughter…she turns four in October…you do the math.” Rafael’s eyes raised, filled with surprise and a million other emotions, meeting Olivia’s. Hers were a mix of sympathy and annoyance, being aware of the entire situation, how you’d done your best to contact him without abusing your power as a member of NYPD. 

His heart hammered in his chest, a heavy blanket of absolute regret laying over him, he felt like he could absolutely burst in that moment, doing his best to hold it in in front of someone he hoped would become his friend again. He felt horrible, he suddenly regretted every single second of the past near four years, like an idiot for walking out on you in the first place, much less a _family_ he’d been aching for for years? Before you, he’d finally settled into the thought of being alone forever, married to the job like so many before him. But you, you brought out that glimmer of hope that turned into a full blown firework, he knew he wanted nothing more than to be with you, and when he’d proposed, when he saw the ring actually on your finger, he actually started to think about kids, about a family, knowing you were the one that could bring that into his life. 

And now he’d gone and completely fucked all of that up. Not only destroying your life, but his ideal one in the same stroke.

*

The emergency room at Mercy was surprisingly not as hectic as you’d expected it to be, you approached the nurses station, flashing your badge to make sure you got in to see your daughter as soon as you could. They directed you to X-ray, where you found Lucia waiting outside the room.

“Oh my God! Y/N! I am so sorry.” She started, grasping at your arm, the worry etched into her face.

“Lucia, it’s fine.” You waved her off, “Cat’s three, she’ll bounce back before we know it.” You did your best to give her a warm smile, “Do they know if it’s the whole arm yet?”

“They think it’s just the wrist.” She paused for a moment, “Tough case?” You quirked a brow, turning to face the woman, 

“What?”

“For someone who thinks she’ll bounce back you seem pretty frazzled.” You took a heavy breath, doing your best to make certain the tears that wanted to invade your eyes didn’t.

“It’s not the case.” You glanced up at the older woman, “When I ducked into Benson’s office to ask for the afternoon off I discovered _your son_ inside.”

“What?!” Lucia clearly had no idea that Rafael was back in town, or back working, “You can’t be serious?! Why?”

“I am…he’s working for the defence. I don’t know when he got back. I didn’t exactly wait around for details but Liv might have some later.” You took a deep breath, trying to solidify yourself in the world that was here and now. That you’d done your best to move on, that your daughter had a broken bone and needed you more than some old memory of love.

“I’ll kill him.”

“Lucia!” You half laughed, grasping at her wrist, “Don’t threaten murder in front of a cop, it doesn’t look good.”

“You saying you don’t want him dead?”

“I-“ You sighed heavily, your eyes glancing into the x-ray room to Catalina, “I’m saying that he’s a complete idiotic asshole…especially to show up out of nowhere like this….but…I mean…” Your blurry eyes casted over to meet Lucia’s.

“He broke your heart.”

“He destroyed me completely.” Her hand gripped yours firmly, a sympathetic look in her eyes, 

“But Catalina deserves to know him.”

“Exactly.” You let out a huff, wiping away a stray tear, “But how am I supposed to do that when neither of them know about each other? When the absolute last thing I want is for _him_ to be part of my life?”

“We all make sacrifices for the ones we love the most.” Your eyes met Lucia’s this time, knowing exactly what she was insinuating, Rafael’s upbringing hadn’t been easy on either of them. Your face softened at her admission, pulling her into a hug, thankful for the words spoken against your shoulder, “And I’ll be here every step of the way, and I’m not afraid of kicking his ass, he deserves it, deserves to be kicked when he’s down after what he pulled.” You laughed softy, thankful for the affection before Catalina was rolled out of the X-ray room. 

She nearly jumped into your arms at the sight of her Mother in the hospital, immediately wincing and crying at the pain in her arm. You held her as gingerly as you could, eyes on the doctor who let you know that her wrist was broken, but as young as she was, as you expected, she would bounce back. 

You sent Lucia home, telling her you’d keep her updated on everything before following your toddler down the hall to get a cast. Thankfully the pain pills seemed to be keeping Catalina quiet, picking between colours of a cast (she obviously chose purple) before the doctor finally put it on, leaving you with very detailed instructions for the next few weeks.   
Finally free of the hospital you tucked Cat into her car seat, promising her McDonald’s for dinner, which she immediately perked up at, your laugh echoing through the car. Thankful that she seemed to be in better spirits than when you’d arrived at Mercy.

You munched on some chicken nuggets and fries on the couch while you caught up on some Sofia the First, Catalina curled up against you. Your hand softly rubbed her non injured arm, lips gently meeting the top of her head every so often, simply glad that she was okay. She passed out much before her usual bedtime, you figured it was thanks to the leftover anesthesia and little bit of children’s Tylenol you’d been instructed to give her. Tucking her into bed you kissed her forehead gently, making sure her favourite stuffed bear was at her side and her nightlight was turned on before leaving the room, giving her one last soft glance before you pulled the door nearly shut.

Giving a heavy sigh, you double checked your phone, making sure Olivia hadn’t texted needing anything as you poured a glass of wine. Free of having to care for your daughter your brain started to turn back to the fact that Rafael was back in town, the fact that he had changed enough to be able to work for the defence. At first you tried pulling out some case files to distract you, but the thought of Carisi having to go up against someone who was once his friend and mentor made things even worse. You tossed the files aside, refilling your wine before you retreated back to the couch, turning on your most recent tv binge. 

It was a few hours later when there was a gentle knock at your door, figuring it was Olivia coming to check up on you, you threw the door open without double checking, your breath hitching in a gasp at the sight of Rafael. Every emotion that raced through you in Olivia’s office earlier came flowing back, and this time, anger took the lead. It took a moment for either of you to find your words, you eventually breaking the silence, 

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“I uh..” The man half stuttered, his usual silver tongue failing him, “I took a chance..” He glanced up at you, “You haven’t moved?” You let out a hefty sigh, crossing your arms over your chest, 

“It’s a rent controlled apartment halfway between Hogan Place and the precinct. I wasn’t about to give that up just because _you left.”_

“I..uh..I’m sorry…” You rolled your eyes, exaggerating the groan at the way Rafael was all of a sudden so timid, if he had the balls to be a defence attorney he should have the balls to stand up to his ex.

“Sure.” You snipped, “Wanna tell me why you’re really here?”

“Catalina..” His eyes finally moved up to meet yours, you could see the ache echoing through them. Rafael knew deep in his gut that he already knew the answer, he just needed to hear it from you, he needed to know more, and only you could give him that.

“Fine.” You turned, moving from the door, letting Rafael into your apartment. He quietly shut the door behind himself. You made a gesture for him to still stay in the entrance way as you grabbed your wine, “What’d’you wanna know?”

“She’s nearly four..is she…?” His question was hesitant, not even wanting to vocalize his suspicions, hating himself for the potential reply.

“Yours?” You shot back, “You really think I would have a kid with someone else and name her after _your_ Abuelita?” You could feel the tears building in your eyes, doing the best to hold them back.

“I..I have a daughter?” Rafael choked out, his brain immediately turning defensive, aggravated, “Why wouldn’t you tell me?” That caused you to round on him, the anger taking over inside you.

“Don’t you think I TRIED! You cut yourself off from everyone! You left the state, you changed your phone number, your email, cancelled all of your social media’s, you didn’t even give your _Mother_ any information! I did _everything_ I could without accessing police databanks to find you! You have no one to blame for this but yourself!”

“I’m sorry…I wish I had known.” He attempted to move toward you, you stepped back, “Can I please see her?” You saw the sorrow written across his face but you weren’t about to let it slide, 

“There not a single reason I can think of for me to let you see her! You may be her father, but I am her everything!” You rolled your eyes, “Besides it’s past 9pm, you clearly know nothing about children if you think a three year old would still be up this late.” 

“What about this weekend?”

“Rafael! She doesn’t even know you exist!”

“What?” He felt his voice catch in the back of his throat, unable to come to terms with everything, “What did you tell her?”

“She’s young enough I didn’t have to say anything. Once she was old enough I figured I’d try to contact you again and if you didn’t answer I’d tell her the truth…that you left without knowing.”

“I’m sorry..”

“You keep saying that!” You spat back, taking a swig of your wine, you were both so involved in the argument you both missed the pitter patter of small feet in the hallway.

“Momma…” A small voice broke into your thoughts, “It hurts…” Both of your heads shot towards the the hall, where Rafael was met with a small girl, emerald eyes wide as saucers looking between the two of you, stuffed bear clutched in her un-injured arm.   
You instantly grabbed the bottle of pain killers and a bottle of water from the island before you scooped up you daughter in your other hand.

“I’m sorry baby, I know it hurts, let’s get you back to bed, it’ll hurt less after you take this.” You disappeared down the hallway, Rafael hearing murmurings of converstaion between you and his daughter, wishing he could be part of the relationship, hating that he’d stayed away for so long. It took a few moments before you finally shut the door, coming back out to the entrance.

“The bear…” Rafael began, glancing up at you, emotion shining through his green eyes, “Looks just like one of mine…” You sighed heavily, 

“She got it from Lucia..” You began, “We have dinner with her every Sunday, they practice Spanish together.”

“Really?”

“Who else was I supposed to turn to when the love of my life vanished? You left us with no one, what did you expect?!” He flinched at the agony cracking through your resolve, you were doing your best to keep a strong front but he could tell you were inches away from slipping.

“I’m so sorry..if I had known…”

“You would’ve what?!” You cut him off, “You would’ve come back for _her_ , but not for _me_? The moment you made me give you that ring back everything ended, even if something like this was about to happen, you _betrayed_ me Rafael, and I’ll never forget it.” He took a heavy sigh, your words causing a shudder throughout his body, the regret sinking through him.

“I would have done better. I want to do better. I’m back in New York now, for good. I would deeply appreciate it if I was able to officially meet her. She doesn’t need to know who I am yet, I could just be a friend, we could do it at Mami’s.” 

Giving a hefty sigh, you chewed on your lip, thinking the situation over. Catalina deserved to know her father, she deserved to have a full family, you didn’t want to be the one holding back that experience from her, knowing she’d probably resent you later in life when she found out.

“Fine. But under no circumstance are you able to tell Catalina that you’re her father.”

“But—“

“You left without warning last time! How am I supposed to know you won’t do it again? I don’t trust you Rafael.” You nearly growled, Rafael’s eyes not able to meet yours at the comment.

“Okay…” He admitted to the defeat easier than you’d expected him to, it was clear he truly felt bad. Rafael was slowly realizing just how drastic his measures had been, and that popping back up at your precinct, working for the other team probably wasn’t the best idea.

“We usually go over around 5. Do yourself a favour and call your Mother…she misses you.” He gave you a small nod, understanding that the conversation was over, turning to leave your apartment.

His body flinched at the sharp shutting of the door behind him, knowing that you weren’t about to welcome him back into your life with open arms. There was a flurry of emotions running through his body as he stepped out into the street, he already felt like an idiot for walking out on you, but knowing that he’d also left behind a daughter, that he’d left you alone to raise his child? He felt like he would never be able to gain your trust or respect back fully. He regretted not leaving a number, that he could have at least been somewhat in contact, even if he was too embarrassed to show his face in the legal world after the Baby Drew debacle, he could have at least been part of Catalina’s life from the start. Then again, maybe you didn’t want him anywhere near your baby after he was put to trial for murdering one.


	13. Chapter 13

Sunday rolled around much faster than you’d hoped, still trying to mentally prepare for introducing Catalina to Rafael, still honestly unable to wrap your head around the fact that he was back. Not to mention it would be the first time Lucia saw him in nearly four years. 

You’d spent the week running scenarios with Amanda and Olivia, thankful for your regular Friday evening wine mom night while you tossed out ideas of how to move forward. Amanda seemed more open about Rafael being involved, Olivia was still pissed about Barba abandoning their friendship. She didn’t say it, but you could tell she was thinking about how she’d let Shelia into Noah’s life only to have him kidnapped later on, and the thought of something like that happening terrified you. Rafael had definitely proved he was a stubborn ass who made rash decisions in the past.

*

Catalina was settled at the coffee table with multiple colour books and a few smaller toys to keep her occupied while you helped Lucia in the kitchen, keeping an eye on the toddler over the breakfast bar.

“Stop picking at your nails.” One hand grabbed yours, separating them while the other shoved a large glass of wine into yours. “You’re not the one that should be nervous.”

“Hmph.” You replied, swigging back your wine. “Have you talked to him at all?”

“He called to say he was back, asked if it was okay with me for him to come today. Tried to apologize, but I reamed him out.”

“Lucia…”

“What? You know he deserves it, you should be hitting him where it hurts if he tries to pull anything. Even if you’ve gotten over what happened, he left that beautiful baby girl without a Father and he’s lucky as all hell that you’re letting him into her life.”

“Well…I did _very_ strongly tell him Cat would only know him as a friend of mine until I could figure out how to explain everything to a toddler.”

“It’ll come to you.” She gave your hand a squeeze when you jumped at the sound of a knocking on the door, “breathe…” You gave her the best smile you could muster up, moving back to the living room with Catalina. 

From your spot on the couch you could slightly see the entrance way to the apartment, it was a relatively open space, their voices echoing through the air. Rafael greeted his Mother, giving her a quick hug and you smirked as you watched her give him a swift smack upside the head. She started to tear him a new one, you were at least thankful she was doing so in Spanish, Catalina wasn’t as well versed in it as English, though, being almost four it’s not like she understood much of the language anyway. It was when Rafael began to fire back and their voices gained volume and frustration that you let out a loud whistle. They stopped and glanced toward you, your head titled towards your daughter, 

“Maybe not in front of the toddler?”

“Sorry..” Rafael ducked his head in embarrassment, wincing as his mother laid another smack onto his arm before returning to the kitchen. He hesitantly made his way into the apartment, taking the chair perpendicular to the couch where you and Catalina were sat. You brushed a bit of hair out of her face, turning her attention to you off the colouring,

“Catalina can you say hi to Momma’s friend? This is Rafael..” The girl glanced up from her work, taking in the soft smile on the man’s face. Rafael was doing his best to stay externally calm while he was absolutely wrecked on the inside. He suddenly understood just how you must’ve felt at the surprise arrival of himself back in New York, the panic mixed with pain, love, utter confusion. He was back in a place he used to be on a weekly basis, with two of the same people he’d shared such golden memories with, and the third named after one of the ones he loved the most.

“Hi Rafal.” He grinned at the best pronunciation the girl could give of his name, “Can you pass the blue?” She continued, gesturing toward the container of crayons that was on his side of the table. He slipped the crayon out, holding it out to her, she took it with a small thank you, returning her attention to the artwork in front of her. “You work with Mommy?”

“Uh-kind of.”

“You a police man?” He gave a soft chuckle at her question.

“No. I’m a lawyer.”

“Like Unc’ Sonny?!” He noted the way Catalina’s eyes lit up with excitement at the connection, his heart fluttering at the glee on her face, her eyes carbon copies of the ones he saw in the mirror everyday.

“Yeah.” He smiled, “Just like Uncle Sonny.” He didn’t miss the glare you shot him over your daughter’s head, no doubt a stab that he was in fact, not just like Sonny, but choosing to work against him.

“Pink please.” Catalina extended her little hand, blue crayon in it for Rafael to return to the box as he swapped out the colours.

You were ever thankful when she warmed up to him faster than you thought she would. Though Cat was used to having a lot of your friends and coworkers in her life, and honestly, there was a small part of you that knew the easy connection had to have something to do with the fact that Rafael was her father, whether she knew it or not. The heavy tension and awkwardness that hung in the air between the adults slowly dissipated as the minutes went on, Catalina babbled away to Rafael as she coloured, you translated a few things here and there, knowing he wasn’t fluent in toddler speak.

Despite knowing everything that the three of you had been through, Lucia couldn’t help but hope that you would be able to work things out as she watched from the kitchen, the view of a real, potentially loving family in front of her for the first time in a very long time. She knew her son had fucked up beyond belief, that he deserved any amount of shit that you threw at him, but the idea of him actually getting to be a Father warmed her heart, knowing that he would do everything he could to be the best he could be. When she noticed the timer was nearly out, she called out interrupting your little colouring fest,

“Dinner’s almost done, Rafi will you set the table?”

“Yes Mami.” He stuck a green crayon back in the box before rising from the chair, surprised when Catalina jumped up from her seat.

“Abi!” She called out, still unable to fully pronounce Abuelita, “I help.” Lucia chuckled softly, giving her granddaughter a soft kiss on the head while she passed her a handful of forks, warning her to go slow over to the table. You couldn’t help but smile watching the toddler clamber up onto a chair as she did her best to place the forks in their required spots on the place mats, Rafael helping her with the further ones as he put plates down. Her next mission was to get her sippy cup refilled with juice before placing it on the edge of the table by her spot, climbing into her booster seat before you buckled her in.

You were pleasantly surprised when dinner went much more smoothly than you’d expected, Lucia asked her son about work, wondering why on earth he’d gone the route he did, but things stayed civil. By the end of it, Catalina was comfortable with your ‘new friend’ and the adults seemed to have resolved at least a couple of things as the night went on. 

Catalina found a home in your arms, settled on your hip as you helped the other two carry things back to the kitchen. Lucia obviously packed up leftovers for all three of you, reminding you that she expected all of you to be back the following Sunday for dinner. You passed Cat off to her for a tight hug as you tugged your sweater back on, making sure your daughter had collected her things before tossing your bag over your shoulder and collecting the toddler once more. 

“Can you say goodnight sweetheart.” You urged her when Rafael found himself in the apartment entrance with the two of you.

“Night.” She held up her hand for a high five, something Uncle Sonny had been very enthusiastic about, mumbling something along the lines of ‘it was nice to meet you’.

“Goodnight Catalina. It was wonderful to meet you. I hope to see you again soon.” Rafael gave her a soft smile, his eyes darting up to yours as she snuggled into your shoulder. “Please…keep in touch…” He’d pulled a business card from his pocket, the pleading ever evident in his eyes, the ache to be part of both of your lives again his number one priority now.

“You know where to find me. We’ll see you next Sunday.” Mustering up the best smile you could you gave an air kiss to Lucia and left the apartment. You knew there was a hell of a lot to go through, a hell of a lot to process, to try and figure out exactly what route you were going to take with the entire situation. But at least this first trial attempt had gone as well as it could have.

*

It was on Tuesday you came back from questioning witnesses with Rollins that you found a Starbucks on your desk, your brow furrowed, the cup was still warm, and it was full. You figured it was from Sonny, he’d regularly bring in coffee for the squad when he popped in, especially the ones he knew needed it most. Over the next little bit you started to find more, a treat, snack or coffee here or there which confused you even more. It was only when you’d been in questioning a perp, Rollins at your connected desks that you returned to a fresh cup and chocolate chip muffin that her eyes met yours, a curious look in her eyes.

“Barba…” You let out a heavy sigh, dropping into your chair with a roll of your eyes. You tossed the muffin over to your partner and dumped the coffee cup into the garbage, there was no way you were going to accept his apology tokens unless you were in dire need for them. 

After your second dinner at Lucia’s with the four of you was when things started to pick up heat, instead of just little treats on your desk, you came home to a small gift bag outside your apartment door. A stuffed toy inside for Catalina, a new colouring book, a note hopeful that you’d reach out. After your third dinner at the Barba household you came back from arresting a perp to find a fresh cup of coffee on your desk. Originally you’d rolled your eyes, knowing that he was trying to make up for his mistake, but the sight of a single purple post it note stuck to the lid made you want to hurl it across the room in a heartbeat. You’d had multiple text conversations with Rafael over the past few weeks, he knew what your limits were, the boundaries you’d set in place, and not only was this crossing them, but the purple post it? That was a major memento of your relationship, you still hadn’t been able to bare using that colour of note, angry tears and frustration burned through you as you noted his scrawl across the note, a casual restaurant and time listed. 

*

Rafael felt the shakiness in his body as he settled into the booth at Mulberry and Wine, you hadn’t exactly replied to any of his little trinkets, but he held on to what little hope he had that you’d show. He simply wanted to be part of your life, be part of Catalina’s life, he only hoped that you wanted to make your little broken family a little less broken. He felt his heart jump into his throat when the bell above the door dinged, the sight of you glancing around the restaurant until you found him, the moment your face hardened, he knew his hopes weren’t about to be granted. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” You weren’t wasting time, sliding into the booth across from him.

“I-what??”

“A purple post it? Seriously? How _dare_ you Rafael! You can’t just pretend the last four years never happened and jump back into things like everything’s fine!” Before you were able to launch into it, the server popped up at your table, you gave her the best smile you could, “I’m so sorry. I won’t be staying, please just wait til I’m gone to come back.” You palmed her a twenty, you’d spent a few years server and knew there were few things as awkward as needing to approach a table when the guests weren’t having the best time. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to express that.”

“And I told you I needed _SPACE!_ I need time to process that you’re even back in New York! You should understand that considering I gave you _four years_ of it! You think you’re having a hard time comprehending that you suddenly have a kid?! Try raising that kid on your own because the love of your life completely abandoned you and everything he knew with no explanation! You made a stupid, rash decision and you screwed up a lot of people in doing so and you know it. Stop being a fucking coward and own up to your mistakes.”

“I..did what I thought was right at the time. Please. I will never be able to apologize enough for what happened, I want to be part of Catalina’s life, to actually be her father.”

“You sure about that? ‘Cause the last time you were left alone with a baby _it turned up dead._ ” You pushed yourself out of the booth to stand, “I will continue to let you into Catalina’s life on Sunday’s at your Mami’s, but if I find one more goddamn post it on my desk, or unprovoked gift on my doorstep, I _will_ begin legal actions, understood?”

“I- yes..” Rafael hung his head, nearly missing you storming from the café.

He’d done his best to try and warm you up, ease his way back into your life, hoping that the little trinkets would bring you back to a better time. A time where it was totally normal for him to leave things on your desk, usually along with a gentle kiss, he should’ve known it was too much to fast, but he was simply rushing to make things better, to have his daughter in his life, to have you in his life. He had no idea that he had as much of a desire to be a father, to be the best father Catalina could ask for, he wanted nothing more than to have her in his daily life, no matter what the cost.


	14. Chapter 14

Over the next few weeks Rafael seemed to be following your requests (or he was so swamped with work he didn’t have the time to track to a precinct not involved with his current case). You’d introduced him to Catalina’s nanny, letting the three of them spend a couple of afternoons together while you were buried in paperwork or out hunting leads. 

He continued to join in on the Sunday dinners at Lucia’s, and you were more than happy with the way Catalina had warmed up to him, to having him around more often. He was still a little awkward at moments, but he’d come a long way from when Noah was a baby, the kids of the squad helping him warm up on how to behave around children. You still had your guard up, as much as you were slowly letting the walls down for your daughter, you weren’t exactly sure where you stood yet. You’d done a lot of growing and evolving over the past four years, you knew you’d never be the woman you were before everything blew up, and you weren’t sure if Rafael was willing to accept that.

It was after a particularly gruelling case SVU had caught, a custody battle ending up in a kidnapping that you felt absolutely and completely wrecked. You’d managed to track the Dad and kid down after they’d crossed State lines, but the entire thing was just a little unsettling for you. Olivia saw the cloud hanging over your head and sent you home early, Sonny, ever the insightful one jogged after you to catch you in the elevator, offering to make you dinner and give a hand with Catalina after such a draining week.

You’d set up Cat with some play dough at the kitchen island, strapped into her booster while you did your best to help Carisi with dinner, mainly you were just being told to sit down and take it easy. You grumbled slightly, but were ever thankful for the fact that he’d volunteered to help out tonight. You were flipping through a couple of his family law books, trying to wrap you brain around shared custody, trying to figure out how you’d want it to work in the future. You more so knew what you _didn’t_ want, and that you wanted Catalina to only hear positive stories about her parents from each other. You knew so many divorced couples or single parents that trash talked their partner in front of, or to their kids, it painted such a toxic image that lasted forever. Sure, Rafael had fucked you over, but you weren’t about to bring that up to your daughter until she was old enough to _actually_ understand, if ever.

“Should be ready in five.” Sonny turned from the stove, a glass of wine for you and Cat’s sippy cup placed to your side furthest from the toddler.

“Thanks Sonny.” You took a quick sip before turning to your daughter, “Let’s get you washed up kiddo.” You plucked her out of her seat, using your free arm to begin to put away the play dough.

“I got it.” Sonny waved you off, you gave him the warmest smile you could muster, he was just so goddamn selfless sometimes.

He’d finished sticking various colours of play dough back in their proper containers, tossing them into their bucket before he wiped down the island, sticking Catalina’s combo sticky placemat/plate in front of her booster seat. The noise from the bathroom didn’t distract him from dinner, but the knocking at the door did, he paused slightly, making sure the heat was turned down to a simmer as he called out to you, 

“Hey! You invite ‘Manda?”

“No? Did you? I thought she was with Liv tonight.” He heard the water in the bathroom shut off as he moved towards the door, swinging it open.

“Barba?”

“Carisi?” Rafael’s brow furrowed at the sight of the man inside your apartment, you froze as you stepped into the open entry way of the apartment, Cat on your hip.

“Rafa!” She waved an overly friendly hello considering..

“Baby how about you have some extra Ipad time before dinner?” You were quick to grab the device from the counter, double checking the headphones were on correctly before she skipped off to her room, the door swinging shut behind her. “What’re you doing here?”

“I..thought I’d bring over some wine and treats, we could order dinner?”

“It’s not Sunday…and this isn’t your Mami’s apartment.” You crossed your arms across your chest, “God Rafael you were doing so fucking good. You can’t just show up here unannounced! I _told_ you that.”

“I’m just trying to be a more prominent part of your life…”

“I told you I don’t _want that_! What part of that don’t you understand?! I said you could be part of Cat’s life, you can’t just show up with wine out of the blue and think I’ll forgive you for everything!”

“I should--“ Carisi was immediately cut off by your hand gently shoving him back into the open kitchen.

“You walk out of this room and there’s nothing stopping me from murdering him.” He held his hands up in defeat, backing up against the island, ready to jump in to referee if he needed, “Rafael, don’t you ever stop to think about what happened? And not just what happened to _you_ , but how other people felt about it? How the consequences of _your actions_ affected other people?! It took me _years_ to get over you, to finally come to terms with the fact that you were gone for good and never coming back! Did you ever think that maybe I’m not the same the same woman I was four years ago? That I most _certainly_ am not the same woman who said yes to marrying you!? That maybe, _just maybe,_ you _didn’t_ fuck me up enough that I was able to move on?” His eyes darted through the apartment at your words, a sinking feeling in his gut as his gaze shot between you and Carisi.

“What, you two are an item now?”

“Yeah…we are..” You practically scoffed, “Clearly my type’s sex crimes A.D.A’s, guess I should bring up the fact that I fucked Stone now.”

“Excuse me?!” The anger bubbled through his stomach as you rolled your eyes, shooting him a glare, ignoring the choking sound coming from Sonny.

“Oh my GOD! How can you of all people not recognize sarcasm?!” You felt the tears beginning to burn their way into your eyes, the embarrassment rising through your blood at the thought of letting him see you cry again, “I’ve been a little _busy_ raising a kid!” You gestured down the hall, “And you…you broke my heart so badly I don’t think I’ll _ever_ be able to love someone else again.” You choked over your words, doing your absolute best to hold back the sob that was craving to escape. Sonny stepped forward, blocking you from Rafael’s view, a hand squeezing your shoulder softly.

“Barba, I think it’s time for you to go.”

“Butt out Carisi this is none of your business.”

It was much to your surprise when the blond’s hand left your shoulder, rounding on your ex suddenly, you could hear the anger building up in his voice, trying not to get too loud knowing there was a kid in the house.

“None of my business? Of _course_ this is my business! Who the hell do ya think has been here the past four years?! Me, Liv, Amanda, your Mom, hell even Fin’s been over helpin’ with diaper changes, midnight feedings, keeping Catalina occupied and entertained so Y/N can take a minute to _breathe_! Her first words were during a conversation with Billie, Noah was the one holding her hands as she took her first steps. The squad is her _family_ , we’re the ones who’ve been here since day one! You’re the one that deserted _all of us_ with no warning. Ya may biologically be her father but you are the farthest thing from her Dad. So yeah…it’s time for you to go.” 

You hadn’t noticed the way Sonny was ever so slowly moving towards the other man, coaxing him to move backwards in response until he was out of the doorframe, slamming the door in his face. He turned back to you, the look on his face similar to the one he had on while coming out of interrogation, which immediately melted when he saw the tears slipping down your cheeks.

“Sorry…” He sheepishly mumbled, pulling you into a hug, “Guess I’ve been holding back my own frustration over everything.”

“I know I’m not the only one mad about how he left.”

“Yeah…” He gave you a tight squeeze before he let you go, “Ya know, that Stone comment was good. That would’ve been the ultimate revenge.” You snorted, “And if ya need me to, I’ll gladly be your fake boyfriend to make him back off, ‘Manda’ll understand.”

“Sonny! Anyone ever tell you you’re too Italian?”

“All the time.” He smiled, handing you your wine, “Take a minute, I’ll get Catalina started with dinner.”

“Thank you.” You wiped at your face with your free hand before escaping for a few elongated minutes in the privacy of your bedroom, sure to take the time to finish your wine before you joined the other two for dinner.

It went the rest of the week until you heard something from Rafael, you were out at the park Saturday afternoon with Amanda and the girls when your phone buzzed. You nearly groaned at the sight of his name on the text but you knew you had to open it and face him eventually.

_‘I’m incredibly sorry y/n. I know that you must be horribly conflicted over everything that’s been going on, and I know my recent actions haven’t exactly contributed positively. I know the words I’m sorry can only have so much meaning behind them before they mean absolutely nothing, but I do regret stepping over the line, I’ve had time to think about it and have realized how out of bounds I was, that it truly was not the right thing to do. I hope you can eventually forgive me for my behaviour since returning. I would very much still like to (respectfully, under your rules) get to know Catalina more. All things considering, I understand if you’d like me to not attend dinner at Mami’s tommorrow. I’ll only be there if you say it’s okay. I hope to hear from you, R.’_

You dropped the phone into Rollins’ eye line as yours moved to keep one on the girls as they ran through the playground.

“How long you think that sat in his drafts?”She asked, you snorted, glancing up at her, 

“Longer than his closing arguments sit on his desk.” Sighing heavily you took back the phone, replaying the words in your head. “You ever talk to the girls dads?”

“Al sends a cheque once a month. Jessie’s dad….is a long way away. But…I mean it’s different with them. One was a one night stand, Al..was a prick who constantly cheated on me with escorts, and neither of them really made an effort after the girls were born. You and Barba…you guys were engaged, you were in love. I know you’ve got a lot of baggage to unpack with the situation, but he’s actively trying to be part of Cat’s life.”

“I know…and for _her_ sake, I want him to be involved.” You slid the screen open on your phone, “Let’s just hope this time he can play by the rules.”

_‘Apology half accepted. We’ll see you tomorrow.’_


	15. Chapter 15

“Hey!” You called through the apartment as you swung the door shut behind you, addressing Lucy, “Thank you so much for covering! You have no idea how much I appreciate it, work got insanely hectic.”

“I know how it is. Don’t worry about it.” She waved off your apology, handing Catalina her sippy cup back. The toddler gave you the briefest of hello’s before bounding back to the couch with her Paw Patrol.

“How was she?”

“Oh she was fine, always is. I gave her an Uncrustable when I got her but nothing substantial, she didn’t seem too hungry.”

“Thanks.” You smiled warmly as you locked your gun in the well out of reach safe on top of the fridge.

“But…you should know…she’s been asking questions…” she slipped a piece of construction paper out of Cat’s backpack, “They were drawing family trees in pre-k, Cat had a whirlwhind of questions for me.”

“Fuck..” you muttered softly, “What did you say?”

“I said she’d have to ask you.”

“Thank you.” You gazed into the living room, the tuft of her ponytail just visible over the couch, “I’ll talk to her. Rafael’s honestly been doing incredible with her, finally smartened up. I was gonna start to breach the subject soon anyways.” You turned back to Lucy, “now get outta here, I’m sure you have more fun places to be.”

“Thanks.” She gave you a soft smile, waving by to Cat before leaving the apartment.

You ran a hand over your face, sighing heavily. You knew this day would come, and you knew it was going to come sooner rather than later, but you weren’t prepared for what you knew would be an onslaught of follow up questions. Where had he been? Why did he leave? Why aren’t the two of you together? Is he moving in? Are you getting married? Can I have a baby sister? You couldn’t exactly explain to a near four year old that her Dad unplugged a baby, was tried for murder and then left the state with no contact info only to show up out of the blue four years later. 

Filling a pot with water you pulled a box of Kraft Dinner out of the cupboard, your day had been long and your brain was about to get another workout, at least supper could be on the easy train tonight. When it was ready you mixed everything together, tossing a couple of cucumber slices on the side of Cat’s plate and collected her into her booster seat. She babbled on for a little bit as she started to eat, mainly about Paw Patrol, something about a few friends at school. She paused to munch on a cucumber, looking up at you with those gorgeous green eyes full of wonder.

“Catalina…how would you feel about meeting your Papi?” She looked over at you with a confused pout on her lips.

“But..Rafa’s Papi.” 

What.  
Were you going to have to really tear another strip off Rafael _already?_ When had he even been alone with her to have the chance to mention anything?

“Did he tell you that?”

“No.”

“Did Abuelita tell you that?”

“No.” She chomped away on the cucumber slice before swallowing it, going in for another forkful of pasta. “Rafa calls Abi Mami. If Abi is his Mami then he’s my Papi, right?” You stared at her in disbelief, 

“Anyone ever tell you you’re too smart for your own good?” She simply giggled a mouth of Mac and cheese at you in response. “But yes Cata, you are right. Rafael is your Papi.”

“Do I still call him Rafa?” 

“Baby you can call him whatever you’d like as long as he’s okay with it.”

“Okay.”

“How would you feel about spending some more time with Papi? Maybe go hangout at his house sometimes? Have a couple sleepovers a month?”

“Where would I sleep?”

“You’d have your own room.”

“You come too?”

“No baby, just some daddy daughter time. That sound like fun?” She thought on it for a hot second, trying to finish chewing before she replied.

“Yes!”

“Okay.” You ruffled her hair softly, turning back to your own meal. Surprisingly she didn’t have many follow up questions, you told her that Rafael hadn’t known about her, and that you both loved her very much, and that was all that mattered. 

It didn’t take long to get her settled in bed, the day of school and running around with the sitter tiring her out pretty quick. Making sure the nightlight was on, you left the door open a crack, heading back to the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of wine. Picking up your phone you scrolled through your texts until you found Rafael’s name, clicking the call button.

“Y/N? Everything alright?” Rafael’s voice came through the receiver, a hint of concern evident. You’d avoiding calling, usually opting to text, it was harder for him to argue that way.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Uhm…you wanna meet us in Central tomorrow, at that jungle gym she’s so obsessed with?”

“Yes. Absolutely. What time?” His heart began to race, you hadn’t made any impromptu hangout plans before, especially in the middle of the week.

“Two?”

“Sounds perfect.”

“K.” You sighed lightly, humming over a sip of wine, “You should know you managed to pass along that Ivy League brain of yours.” He laughed lightly, smiling at the friendliness evident in your voice.

“What’d’you mean?”

“She figured it out all on her own…Guess they were talking about family trees at school, she put together the pieces. Kids are way more intuitive than you’d think, turns out we made a pretty smart one.” Rafael couldn’t help but smile at your words, knowing that it seemed like things were turning a page, and this time a positive one.

“So she knows who I am?”

“Yup. I figured it’d be nice for you two to have a first _actual_ hangout…and that we could talk some things over?”

“Of course!”

“K, I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ve got a _mountain_ of paperwork I need to get through.”

“Okay. G’night.”

“Night.”

Rafael felt a sense of blooming in his chest as he hung up the phone. Everything had kind of been a giant mess, a permanent ball of anxiety living in his chest since he’d returned to the city. Truthfully, he deserved it, and he knew it, but it was a complete relief knowing that things finally seemed to be coming up positively. He’d fucked up enough in the past, now was the time to rise from the ashes and shine, proving to you that he was more than worthy of being an incredible father.

*

You got to the playground first, Catalina too excited to want to wait any longer after lunch. There were a few other Mother’s you knew from school around, the kids all playing together. Though you dodged their bullshit by saying you had some work to catch up with on your phone.

“You ever put that thing down?” Rafael joked as he approached, an extra coffee in his hand for you.

“Thanks.” Accepting the coffee you pocketed your phone, “Trying to reason with Liv. You know how it is.”

“I most certainly do.” He took a sip of the beverage, happy to be breaching solo civil conversations with you, “She trying to wrangle you back in today?”

“No.” Sighing you leant back against the park bench, “Took a hit yesterday and she benched me.”

“What, you punch the perp back and she’s making you go to anger management first?” You let out a scoff of a laugh,

“The shrink. The hit was a bullet…” Rafael uprighted himself immediately, worry in his eyes as he glanced you over, a quick squeeze to your free hand.

“Jesus! Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You waved him off, “I had my vest on, it’s just a bruise.”

“Isn’t your partner supposed to have your back?” This brought another laugh out of you.

“Rafael…you’ve seen the squad, we’re spread pretty fucking thin. I’m the switch right now, no official partner. We took down a sting, just didn’t have all of our bases covered. It happens.” You shrugged it off. Rafael was beginning to counter when Catalina came running up, suddenly realizing he was there

“Rafa!” She clambered right into his lap, giving him the best of a hug she could, you helped him out a big, taking his coffee from him, “can I call you Papi? Or Daddy?” He shot a glance over to you, taking in the small smile on your lips and brief nod you gave him before answering.

“Of course sweetheart.”

“Yay!” She tossed her arms around his neck, snuggling against him, “Hi Daddy.” The words were muffled by his jacket, but they warmed him down to his absolute core. 

Wrapping his arms tightly around her, he gave her a soft squeeze, lips meeting the top of her hair gently. When he turned to you, you could see the faintest shimmer of tears in his eyes, his lips mouthing a silent ‘ _thank you’_ over Catalina’s head. He felt as if his heart could explode, the first actual, real hug with his daughter, it was something if you had asked him about years ago he would’ve laughed. The thought of having kids, having a family, it seemed so far fetched, that he could ever love someone as much as he loved that little girl, and they’d only just met. When Catalina pulled away, she started to babble on about a few things before you gained her attention,

“Baby, how about you go play with Alyssa a little longer? Momma’s got a few things she needs to talk to Raf about. We can get ice cream after.” You threw in the bonus treat as extra motivation, knowing she’d accept it.

“Okay.” She climbed down from the bench, running back over into the sand.

“So what’s the next step?” Rafael cautiously asked, taking his coffee back from you as he spoke.

“If you wanna do this, if you _really_ want to do this, you need to really be her _Dad_. Not just someone who pops up every so often for play dates or Sunday dinners.”

“That’s what I want. Trust me. I’m in it for the long haul, just tell me what you need from me.”

“We’ll start out easy. You’ve got to kid proof your apartment, and if she’s going to be spending time there, staying overnight or weekends, she needs her own space. She needs a room, a bed, toys, books, the whole works of things that are hers. She needs to feel like she belongs in your space, that she’s welcome, not just a house guest.”

“Of course, I’ll get started on that right away.”

“She wants to spend more time with you, including overnights and I’m more than okay with that. We can hash out the rest of the details later.”

“I’m all ears whenever you’re ready. And y/n…thank you..”

You could see the unspoken words written in his eyes, how incredibly relieved he was that you were willing to take these steps, that there wasn’t a big elephant in the room waiting to be addressed anymore. That he was brave enough to take the step into actually being a father, not just watching from the sidelines anymore.

As you promised, the three of you stopped for ice cream on the way home, Catalina talking Rafael’s ear off even more than normal. Making sure she gave him an extra long hug when you parted ways, skipping her way back to your apartment hand in yours. 

As Rafael promised he set up his second bedroom into a room fit for a princess. Lucia was more than willing to help, knowing he’d still be a little clueless about things, especially little things a non parent might miss. You sent over a few boxes of Cat’s stuff that she didn’t use on the daily basis, some extra clothes and the like, letting Rafael get everything settled before you did a brief walk through with him. He knew his Mom had already gone over everything, but he felt like letting you be the final seal of approval was the right thing to do. 

When Friday rolled around, you had one very excited toddler jumping through the house as you got her to help you choose which things she’d be taking for her sleepover (along with making sure she had what she actually needed). You made it to Rafael’s just after five, following the two of them into the apartment as he gave her the tour, making sure she was comfortable in the space. When she settled in relatively quickly against Rafael’s couch, he walked you back to the door.

“Try to have her in bed by 8:30, though her nap was pretty long today so she might fuss.” You brushed a hand through your hair, “And _please_ , let’s not play bad cop, good cop. If she misbehaves you have to reprimand her, no matter how big the puppy dog eyes are.” Rafael chuckled softly,

“I’m here to _be_ a parent, not play babysitter.”

“Thank you.” You smiled, a moment of hesitation hung between you, “Call if you need anything.”

“You uh-sure you don’t want to stay for a drink?” You let out a huff of a laugh, 

“Are you kidding me? For the first time in four years I’m not directly responsible for a tiny human. That tiny human is your problem for the next eighteen hours. Rollins and I are going to drink wine, watch shitty reality t.v and swear as loudly as we want all night.” That caused him to outwardly laugh,

“Okay.” You saw the way his smile faded, the sudden hesitancy in his eyes at suddenly being alone with his daughter, completely responsible for everything. Your hand darted out, squeezing at his reassuringly, your voice soft as a feather as you spoke.

“Hey… _you’re not your father_ …you’re going to do great. I know it.” He gave you a warm smile in return, internally hating the warmth fading from his hand as you dropped it again.

“Thanks.” He gave you a small nod, “Better not keep Rollins waiting.”

“I’ll pick her up at two. Have fun.”

“You too.”

With another small smile, your back was turned and you were down the hallway in an instant, leaving him to shut and latch his door, taking a deep breath as he turned back into the apartment. There was a whole new level of life ahead of him and he was about to dive head first right into.


	16. Chapter 16

The next day Rafael welcomed you into his apartment warmly, you’d texted saying you were a little behind schedule, not that he minded the bit of extra time. Cat was on the couch happily munching on some cheese and crackers her attention completely taken over by Elena of Avalor. 

“So?” You quirked a brow, accepting the cup of coffee from him, “How was it?”

“I..have learnt _so _much about mythical countries that don’t exist and I have no idea how I’m supposed to keep them all straight.” You let out a hearty laugh, missing the way Rafael’s eyes warmed at the sight of you truly happy for once.__

__“You’d be surprised how easy it is to figure out, I’m sure it won’t take you long Mr Ivy League.” You teased, “She was good though?”_ _

__“Yeah.” He hummed over a sip of coffee, “We played about fifty rounds of Candyland, there was lots of colouring, some dancing along to Elena, and someone seems to have inherited your obsession with tater tots…” He grinned at you over the rim of his coffee and you rolled your eyes._ _

__“Potato counts as a vegetable…and if you air fry those cauliflower or broccoli cheddar ones they’re pretty good. Don’t judge me.”_ _

__“I could never.” He offered you a small smile, _“I commend you._ It’s been less than a full day and I’m exhausted…four years..doing this full time plus a full time job? I honestly don’t think I could do it alone.”_ _

__“Well that’s the thing…I’m thankfully not alone. The squad helps out whenever they can, your Mom’s always more than willing to spend time with her, and…now she has her Dad.” You squeezed his arm softly, “think you could handle her for a full weekend?” He let out a huff of a laugh,_ _

__“Might need a few extra pots of coffee, but at least she goes to bed early.”_ _

__“I’m sure you could manage it.” You finished off your coffee, “I’ll chat with her, see how she feels about it. If she’s down and you’re free maybe you could take her next weekend? Friday after school to Sunday dinner? I added you to the approved pick up list, I can send a bag of essentials with her to school so she’s got everything she needs.”_ _

__“I’d like that.” Rafael warmly smiled, a relief spreading through him knowing that you were comfortable with this, that you were ready to actually do this. “You sure you’re okay with me having her two weekends in a row?_ _

__“I’m still on desk duty…remember? I’m literally just doing everyone’s paperwork, I could use the extra free time. Then we can start with alternating weekends? It’s not like Holidays will be a problem, we’re at Lucia’s for all of them anyways.”_ _

__“What about compensa—“ He was slightly surprised when you cut him off._ _

__“No. I’m not about to talk legalities with you right now. You’re a lawyer, you have an unfair advantage if mine isn’t present.”_ _

__“Carisi?” You laughed, the smile still on your face as you turned back to him._ _

__“You really think I’d let a junior A.D.A who chugs Pepto like water with a custody issue against a senior attorney?” He laughed, thankful for the playfulness still evident in your voice, “I didn’t know if you were coming back, and if you did how you would…behave…over the matter. Once your name was on that birth certificate I called Calhoun.”_ _

__“Rita? Really?”_ _

__“She’s the best of the best.”_ _

__“You’re not wrong.” He smirked. You sighed, glancing over towards the living room where Cata was still heavily entranced with the t.v._ _

__“I don’t want you to think that I lawyered up to try and weasel you out of anything, I just wanted to do what was best for Catalina, it’s what she deserves.”_ _

__“I know..” internally you jumped at the sudden feeling of his hand on yours, giving it a reassuring squeeze, “but like you said, this is a conversation for another day.”_ _

__“Thanks.” You prayed your cheeks were as hot looking as they felt as you smiled, “I’ll swing by the firm and we can hash it out.”_ _

__“Sounds great.” His hand quickly dropped from yours as he turned towards the living room, his voice louder as he called out to your daughter, “Cata, time to go.” She turned with a pout on her lips,_ _

__“But ‘Lena..”_ _

__“No..” Rafael softly warned, “I’m sure Mami has Disney+, you can finish your episode at home.” You smiled at the way they interacted, and honestly, you were eager to be witness to more of it. Rafael really was stepping up into his role as a father. Still slightly pouting Cat jumped down from the couch, pattering towards the door where her bag was packed and ready to go. You helped her into her coat and shoes (that she insisted on velcro-ing herself)._ _

__“Say goodbye to Daddy.” Rafael crouched down so he could give her a proper hug, wrapping his arms tightly around her, kissing her cheek gently. There were small murmurings of goodbye and I love you’s between them before she retreated to you, grasping your hand. “I’ll call you later.” You gave him a soft smile, “Bye Raf.”_ _

__“I’ll see you soon.”_ _

__*  
Not surprinsgly, Catalina was more than enthusiastic about her sleepover at her Dad’s, rattling on the entire way home about how much fun she had. You delved into the idea of spending an entire weekend with him and she was very excited at the concept. Once Rafael had spent his first full weekend with her and managed to make it through unscathed, you took the time to sit down and figure out all the details. Rita really was there more as a technicality, you and Rafael agreed on pretty much everything, there were just certain legalities that even he wasn’t sure of, not having a lot of experience in family law. _ _

__The next few months were spent peacefully co-parenting, much to the joy of everyone involved. The three of you always got together with Lucia on Sunday nights for dinner like before, making the Sunday night switch off even easier. There were some not so frequent during the week trade offs when you got swamped with cases, an overnight shift or undercover op that Rafael would end up picking Cata up from school for a day or two during the week. You were thankful she didn’t do too much bouncing around, sticking to a pretty regular schedule. You were also eternally grateful at how well Rafael was doing with her, you couldn’t help but smile at how much he’d grown, not just since returning to New York, but even longer. Back when you’d been together you’d both agreed that you didn’t want kids, you _never_ thought the sassy brash A.D.A you’d been engaged to could _ever_ be as incredible of a father that he turned out to be. You each had your solo days with Catalina, but also made sure to start including more whole family events, you’d meet for dinner out in the city, or have a little movie night at one of your apartments, in an attempt to make things as normal as possible for your daughter._ _

__A few days before Christmas Rafael found himself at the 16th precinct working through a plea with Sonny and a client. Indulging with some small talk with Carisi on his way out, his hand had just hit the elevator button when he heard a shout coming from the entrance to the bullpen._ _

__“Raf!” You jogged through the door, slowing as you approached them. You may have been completely unaware of the nickname used but he didn’t miss it (and honestly…neither did Sonny)._ _

__“Yeah?”_ _

__“Kat’s out with the flu and—“_ _

__“Is she okay?!” He instantly jumped into Dad mode and your face scrunched in confusion before you realized._ _

__“Oh, fuck. Yeah, Catalina’s fine… _Tamin’s_ out with the flu. I’m stuck covering her Christmas Eve shift, can we swap things around? You take Cata for Christmas Eve and I’ll just meet you at your place in the morning for presents like we planned before going to your Mami’s once mass is done? You can still have her Christmas night.”_ _

__“Of course! And you can keep her on Christmas, she deserves a Christmas night with her Mom.” You chuckled lightly in response,_ _

__“She’s had four years of that. It’s what we agreed upon, and…you can finally suffer through three watches in a row of the Muppets Christmas Carol.” Both Rafael and Sonny laughed at that,_ _

__“Okay.” Rafael smiled across at you, “I’m basically off from now ‘til New Years, let me know if I can help.”_ _

__“Thanks.” You gave the two of them a quick wave before turning and heading back to your desk as they stepped into the elevator._ _

__“Seems like things are goin’ pretty good then?” Carisi asked, a smirk on his face as he turned toward the older man._ _

__“Despite..everything..we’re making it work.”_ _

__“Well, for what it’s worth..and I never thought I’d say this to ya…from what I hear you’re a pretty incredible Dad.”_ _

__“Thanks Carisi…” There was only a slight tinge of sarcastic sass laced through Barba’s response as the two men stepped out of the elevator, heading their separate ways through the city._ _

__*_ _

__Rafael picked Cata up from your place in the morning on the 24th, giving you plenty of time to relax a bit before you had to head into work. You normally would’ve been bored out of your mind in an empty precinct, instead smiling at the array of photos you got throughout the day. Rafael took Catalina through Central Park, playing with her in the snow, there were a few shots of her making tiny snow angels. A shot of a somewhat derpy snow man they built together, and Cata with a dollop of whip cream on her nose as they stopped for hot chocolate._ _

__Once she was changed into Christmas PJ’s, and a plate of cookies and glass of milk left out for Santa, she curled up against Rafael on the couch for the Rudolph movie. In that moment, the Christmas decorations surrounding his living room, an old childhood favourite on the t.v, and his daughter snuggled up into his side giggling at the reindeer’s antics every so often, he felt like nearly everything had finally fallen into place, that nearly everything was perfect._ _

__If Rafael thought toddlers woke up early on a regular basis, he was not prepared for the barely seven a.m. wake up call as Catalina raced through the room, jumping onto the bed, and successfully him in the process._ _

__“It’s Christmas!!!” Her tiny excited voice rang through the room with a shrill, “Daddy wake up!”_ _

__“Oh-Kay..” He chuckled, rolling over as he sat up, snuggling against her deeply as she giggled. “Merry Christmas Cata.”_ _

__“Merry Chrismis.” Her teeny voice replied, another giggle echoing through the room as he tickled her sides softly, the laughter getting louder as she collapsed over onto the bed, his tickling fingers moving faster, one grasping at her foot as she flailed. “Daddy!”_ _

__“Okay, okay.” He surrendered, ducking to kiss her head gently, “You want some breakfast?”_ _

__“Presents!” Thankfully she still had her bear in her arms, struggling to crawl off the bed in her speed to get back to the living room._ _

__“Uh-uh. Cata. You get your stocking from Santa right now that’s it, we’ve got to wait until Mami gets here for the rest.” She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest with a pout and God Rafael knew he was staring at a carbon copy of you in that instant. It was honestly lucky she didn’t push it, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stand ground otherwise._ _

__“Otay.”_ _

__She reached her hand up, linking around his finger as they walked out to the living room, a surprised squeal escaping her lips at the extra decorations Rafael had put up after she went to bed. He flicked the switch to turn on the Christmas lights, smiling at the way her face shone in the glow, silently taking it all in. Catalina bounded into the living room towards the stockings as Rafael turned on the coffee pot, pulling a few things out of the fridge into the oven so there would be food ready when you got there._ _

__“This one?!” He straighted up, looking over into the living room to see his daughter holding the stocking with the C embroidered into it,_ _

__“That’s right! Good job sweetheart!” He made his way into the living room as she giggled, tugging the stocking to the couch where she sat herself facing him. Her tiny hands digging into the fabric, gasping and squealing as she pulled a variety of small toys, trinkets and treats out. Rafael snapped a few photos on his phone to document, feeling like his cheek were about to split at just how happy Catalina was, and in turn, how happy he was to witness it._ _

__About twenty minutes later he was tugging food out of the oven, placing it on hot pads on the counter while pulling down some plates. Catalina was sat at the kitchen table, a mug of warm hot chocolate in front of her, loaded with marshmallows and whipped cream while Elena played on the iPad to keep her occupied. Your knock on the door came earlier than you’d stated, but Rafael had been expecting it, remembering how much you loved Christmas._ _

__“Merry Christmas.” He greeted, pulling open the door._ _

__“Merry Chris— _Jesus_ it looks like Santa’s elves threw up in here, holy _shit_ Rafael, you really went all out.”_ _

__“Well…you did say it yourself, Christmas is the only holiday that matters...” Your eyes shot up to his, a sudden softness in them he hadn’t seen in years, you felt your breath catch in your throat, knowing exactly what his words meant._ _

__“Raf…” You could feel the bristling of too much emotion in your eyes, and honestly, you surprised both of you as you nearly launched into a tight hug, your voice muffled into his shoulder, “thank you.”_ _

__“You deserve it…both of you do…” your gaze drifted over to Catalina, eyes still trained on the iPad, blissfully unaware of the hot chocolate moustache gracing her face. You snorted at the view, squeezing Rafael’s arm in thanks as you made your way into the apartment._ _

__“Momma!” The movement finally dragged Cata away from Elena, “presents!?” She looked excitedly between the two of you. You laughed, nuzzling against her face, kissing her cheeks, pausing to wipe away the moustache with a napkin._ _

__“In a minute baby. Can we eat first? Momma’s _starving!_ ”_ _

__“Momma plleeeaaase?” You rolled your eyes, glancing over at Rafael, a grin on your face._ _

__“Can I at least get a coffee first?”_ _

__“Yes.” Catalina proudly answered, jumping down from her chair. She not so patiently waited while Rafael poured you a mug, letting you dress it how you’d liked, you swiped a cranberry orange muffin from the tray as you made your way into the living room. You weren’t going to starve just because your child was a overly impatient and dramatic._ _

__Everything was conveniently wrapped in specific wrapping paper, Catalina knowing that the ones in princess paper were for her (though, to be completely honest, 90% of the presents were) not that she was getting spoiled this year, but everything was wrapped individually to make her feel that way. She tore through them faster than you’d expected, a flurry of chattering coming from her as she opened each one, you casually reminding her to say thank you when needed. When she reached the end of it, she surprised you by instead of tearing open the packaging to start playing she tumbled over to the mantle, picking up the other two stockings, bringing them over to the couch where you and Rafael were seated._ _

__“Here Momma.” She handed you one, passing the other one off to Rafael before returning back to her pile of new things, her attention fully on them._ _

__“Raf…” you glanced across at him, “you didn’t have to-“_ _

__“Santa must’ve known you’d be here Christmas morning. Didn’t want you to feel left out.” He shot you a friendly wink that you playfully rolled your eyes at._ _

__“Thank you.”_ _

__A few moments passed while your eyes moved between the t.v playing the Disney Parks parade and Catalina exploring her new presents (though her attention was on the t.v the second a princess showed up). Then your gaze turned to the tree in the corner and your brow scrunched,_ _

__“You get distracted with the other decorations or something?” You asked, nudging Rafael’s leg with your foot._ _

__“Hmm?”_ _

__“Your tree’s a little on the bare side.” He glanced up, the pine had a strand of colourful lights, and a trail of silver garland wrapped around it but nothing else._ _

__“I believe it was you who told me the first ornament on the tree needed to be the most important. All things considered…it’s the first Christmas with the three of us, I figured I’d wait.”_ _

__“Raf…” he shot you a smile as he leant forward, grabbing a gift in pink wrapping paper from under the tree._ _

__“Catalina, would you like to come open this?”_ _

__“Yes!” She nearly shrieked, bounding toward him quickly, tearing the paper from the box, “Elena?!”_ _

__“Yes.” Rafael replied, opening the box and pulling the ornament out, “she goes on the tree. And I think you should pick the best spot for her.” He glanced over his shoulder at you as he scooped her up into his arms, standing to walk towards the tree._ _

__Catalina hummed and hawed for a few minutes, babbling half English half toddler speak through the room. You’d moved from the couch to her other side, brushing some loose hair from her face as she picked the perfect place, wrapping the string of the ornament around a tree branch with an assist from you._ _

__“Perfect job baby.” You kissed her cheek softly, smiling at the way she snuggled agaisnt Rafael. You couldn’t help your hand coming up to his shoulder, resting gently a moment before giving it a squeeze, “I’m sure Papi has some more decorations for the tree, would you like to help us finish decorating?”_ _

__“Yes!”_ _

__The rest of the morning went just like that, Catalina passed between you and Rafael as she picked spots for the rest of the ornaments, successfully bringing the Christmas tree to its full potential. You all munched on some Christmas delicacies and far too many treats, and way too much coffee for the grown ups. Cata passed out in your lap just after noon as a mindless Christmas movie played on the t.v, Rafael moved from the couch to start tidying up as you stayed snuggled with your daughter. And for once, for the first time in a very, very long time, everything felt right, everything felt so domestic you couldn’t help it. The two of you knew deep down it truly was just because it was the Holiday season, and neither of you had had a true family to spend it with in god knows how long, but for now, you’d take it._ _

__A few hours passed and you nudged Catalina awake as it was time to head to Lucia’s for dinner. The family feeling extending into the evening as you indulged in incredible food and delicious wine. Cata showed off as many of her new presents to her Abuelita as she could, babbling on about how great this Christmas was and Lucia warmed at the thought of all three of you spending a very civil holiday together._ _

__This time Catalina passed out in Rafael’s arms, which he warmed at even more than anything else. You reassured him that, as previously stated, she was to spend the night at his place. You gave Lucia a tight hug, kissing your sleeping daughter on the head, giving Rafael’s hand a gentle squeeze of reassurance before you bid them goodnight._ _

__You knew the whole co-parenting thing had potential to be a fucking disaster, but you were more than happy with the way it seemed to be going so far. Sure, you still had your hesitancies every once in a while, but things were looking pretty damn good. You both respected each other’s schedule’s (it helped that you knew how demanding your jobs were), and there was never any fighting when you had to shift things around, everything was always kept equally balanced. To say that things were finally looking up…would be 100% accurate._ _


	17. Chapter 17

The next near year nearly flew by, you attributed it to actually being able to have some time to yourself, having a steady partner to help raise Catalina helped one hell of a lot. She started spending a bit more time at Rafael’s apartment, basically whenever she asked to spend a couple of days with him and he was free. Rafael spent a lot of time with the two of you when you had her for the weekends, which you were more than okay with, he’d missed out on a lot, and you appreciated the extra set of eyes. You were ever insistent that his weekends remain just with him though, partially to let him get his time in, and partially to give yourself an extended break.

It was a chilly night in February that Rafael showed up to your door, apologizing immediately as he knew you didn’t like unannounced visits, but he just wanted to drop a couple of things off. You were confused at first but he handed you a bag from your favourite take out place (with extra truffle fries) and a bottle of your favourite wine with a simple _‘I know how hard today can be for you’_ before giving your arm a squeeze and turning from the apartment. It was the anniversary of your Mother’s death, he knew you’d be grieving and wanted to do what he could to attempt to not having you sink completely down. The next month you returned the favour, bringing over one of his favourite meals, homemade from his Abuelita’s recipe. You were finally back to the point of being friends, of being comfortable around each other. Sure there were moments of awkwardness, usually Carisi sticking his foot in his mouth after making a comment, or bringing up a memory (‘ _Wasn’t today supposed to be your wedding date? I bought a real nice suit for that.’_ ) that made you both cringe a bit and shoot him daggers. But things were smooth, they were easy, it was calming to be around each other.

It was mid October, the city still feeling the remnants of warmth from the summer, the days cool as the leaves turned, but still warm enough to enjoy being outside. You had The Good Place reruns on the t.v, thankful for anything that wasn’t Disney+ at this point, tidying up a few things when you heard a knock on the door. 

“Oh..hey Raf.” You greeted as you pulled the door open. “Cat’s at Amanda’s, squad sleepover.”

“Rollins with three kids under seven?” He teased, a laugh on his face.

“Relax, Sonny’s there too.”

“So those two finally did get together?” You laughed, half rolling your eyes, more so at the two mentioned and not Rafael. Their will they wont they spanned most of your career in Manhattan

“Yeah.” Your eyes moved down to the binder in his hand, “you need something?”

“I found Cata’s homework stashed in her room from when I had her the other night.”

“That little turd!” Taking the book from him you flipped it open, not surprised to find it not finished, “she told me she didn’t have any.”

“She do this often?”

“Only when she knows I won’t let her see Billie ‘til it’s done. Those two are thick as thieves.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean they were born a few months apart, they’re basically attached at the hip.” Sighing you tossed the binder onto the counter, “hey, I just opened a bottle of Macallan, you wanna come in?”

“Yeah..sure.” Rafael shot you a soft smile as you backed up, letting him into the apartment. You latched the door, tossing Cata’s homework down on the island, you’d deal with that issue at a later date. You poured Rafael a glass of scotch before the two of you moved into the living room, settling on the couch. “This is the one with the dead people who don’t know they’re in hell, right?” You laughed, taking a sip of your drink.

“I guess that about sums it up.” 

The two of you settled into the evening, happy to have an evening off from work and parenting for once. You laughed over the show, relaying comments and quips every so often before it became more background noise as the scotch flowed openly. Memories were brought up, good ones, fun ones, you may have spent a little more than average time poking fun at Carisi (a lot to do with the moustache he had when he first arrived). A couple of hours easily passed before you stood from the couch, giving Rafael‘s knee a squeeze.

“I’ve gotta pee, I’ll be right back. Top us up?” He nodded as you hurried your way down the hallway. While you were washing your hands you heard him say something, you shouted a ‘ _what?_ ’ pulling the door to the bathroom open, quickly moving back towards the kitchen. 

“I sai-“ Rafael was abruptly cut off as he tried to round the corner to the hall the same instant you tried to round the corner into the kitchen, effectively crashing into you. You felt your breath catch in your throat at his proximity to you, the woody-ness of his cologne engulfing your senses as your hands used his shoulders to steady yourself. One of his hands caught your waist in an attempt to keep you from toppling over, his next words spoken were soft, nearly a whisper, “..you’re uh..out of ice.” His eyes darted from yours to your lips lightning fast, noticing the way one of your hands tightened around his shirt as his body made the motion to move away.

“Wait…” it was barely a breath, he almost missed it over the hammering in his chest, but he couldn’t mistake the warmth in your eyes for anything else. The hand on your waist tightened lightly, you closed the distance between you with a step, the hand resting on his shoulder wrapping around the back of his neck as you inched closer. 

The moment your lips met could only be described as tossing a match into a fire that had been waiting to be lit for hours, soaking in accelerant. It was brief, just a few moments of lips dancing a very missed routine against each other before you pulled away, your forehead still resting on his. Your chest was heaving as if you’d just surfaced from diving to the bottom of the deep end of a pool, your mind was suddenly going a mile a minute, there was no ignoring the desire burning within you at this point.

“Sorry…” you murmured, starting to turn away when Rafael gently grabbed your wrist, effectively stopping you from moving.

“Don’t be.” His hand moved to your chin, tilting your face up so you would actually look him in the eye. There was a hint of sadness, of worry hidden behind them, but a warmth, an incredible softness you hadn’t seen since weeks before he left.

“Rafa…” His other hand smoothed the hair out of your face, cupping your cheek softly, you couldn’t resist leaning into it.

“Tell me to stop and I can walk out that door, pretend it never happened.”

“I don’t want that…”

Rafael’s lips met yours again, continuing the same rhythm as before, a sigh escaping his lips, his body relaxing against yours as you wrapped your arms around his neck. You felt like home, like he was finally back where he belonged. Gently, he backed you up against the wall, you tugged him tightly to you, groaning as his tongue swept into your mouth massaging against yours with expertise. The kiss was like something out of a daydream, part of you felt like you _must_ be dreaming, that something that felt this wonderful couldn’t _possibly_ be real. 

The hand on your hip trailed up your side, tickling, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its path, it rounded your shoulder, softly tangling into your hair, somehow deepening the kiss even more. The length of the make out session made you feel like a teenager again, when it’s all that would happen, when a kiss meant absolutely _everything_. Though…things felt very similar tonight.

Rafael broke free of your lips, peppering kisses across your jawline, down to your neck. You let out a breathy moan at the feel of his teeth scraping against your skin, your hands digging into the roots of his hair, you were suddenly more than grateful for the new beard he was sporting, wondering how much it would tickle against other areas of your body. His teeth hit your pleasure point, sinking in heavier than before, his tongue darting out to sooth the burn as he started to suck against the spot, your hips jutted up, rolling against his, gasping as you could feel his growing bulge. Reluctantly he pulled away, his face inches from yours.

“Pretty sure I didn’t tell you to stop.” You murmured.

“I forgot how sassy you could get.” He smirked, nipping at your lip, his hands nudged at the back of your thighs and you let out a squeal as he picked you up. 

Giggling, you wrapped your legs around his waist, lips meeting his again as he carried you down the hallway. Your hands began to tug at the hem of his shirt, sliding underneath it as they slowly pushed it up and off his body, taking advantage of the brief escape from the kiss you pulled your own shirt over your head. A gasp breaking into the room as Rafael buried his face into your chest, nuzzling against your tits, kissing and nipping practically every inch he could get to. One of the hands wrapped around your back swiftly undid your bra and you let it drop to the floor, adding to the trail of clothing. Your hand shot to the back of his head as his lips encased a nipple, sucking the supple flesh into his mouth, tongue swirling around it, flicking its peak. Your back arched, bringing him closer to you, whining at the vibrating growl he let out when you tugged at his hair.

Dropping your legs from his waist, you tugged him back to your lips, kissing him deeply while your hands moved to his belt, undoing his jeans, a hand sneaking in to palm his thickness. A grunted ‘ _fuck_ ’ muttered against your skin as he rutted into your touch, his hands leaving your sides, pulling your pants and underwear down in one swift movement. Rafael’s mouth returned to the soft spot of your neck, determined to leave you feeling its presence in the morning, a hand grasped your leg, wrapping it back around his hip to give him better access. The other one trailed up your inner thigh, oh so softly cupping your heat. Your hips jolted toward him with a whine that morphed into a moan as his fingers began to swipe through your folds. Your breathing began to increase, the little whines begging him for more.

He ignored your clit completely, choosing to play with the juices leaking out of your pussy, coating his fingers with them completely before one sunk in. Your arms suddenly clenched around him, your head burying into his shoulder in a cry as he slowly started to pump it in and out. Rafael could feel how tight you were, how well your walls squeezed against him already. His hand moved softly, warming you up as his lips tenderly kissed up your jaw, his finger curling inside you. Your eyes met briefly, a world of unspoken words between them, a silent nod from you encouraging him to delve a second finger into you while his lips met yours again. Your hand grabbed at his bicep, nails digging into his skin when his fingers increased the pressure, hurrying their pace, 

“Please…” you whimpered out. Rafael’s thumb came up, circling your clit in time with the way your hips rolled against his hand. His lips met yours again with such tenderness you thought you were about to melt…though the feeling of his hand against your pussy made you think you were about to explode. Pulling away you let out a yelp, teeth biting against the skin of his shoulder, he felt your walls fluttering around his hand. The burning through your body suddenly rushed to your pussy, pulsating in a heavy rhythm over and over, trembling when his thumb flicked against your clit. It built heavier than you’d expected, a sob escaping your lips as you came, your hips rutting against his, juices nearly exploding out of you, dampening the front of his briefs. 

“That was new…” he smirked. You giggled softly, ducking your head to lay a breathless kiss against his chest.

“Certainly was.” 

Rafael’s hand cupped your cheek, kissing you lightly, backing you to the bed that you dropped back onto, shifting so you were laying comfortably among the pillows. He tugged off his briefs before crawling over you, lips leaving a trail of kisses up your body until he met your mouth. You whined at the feeling of his cock against your folds, the heaviness rubbing against your clit. One of his hands reached down, lining himself up to your heat, a sudden gasp left your lips as your hand grasped his wrist causing him to pause, realizing his misfortune.

“Shit…I don-“

“It’s fine..I-it’s just been.. _a while…_ ”

“ _Oh Carino_ …I won’t hurt you.” You couldn’t help but smile at the soft adoration in his eyes as he gazed down at you. Your hand moved from his arm, cupping his face as your lips met his.

Rafael slowly plunged his cock into you, inch by inch, he pulled back when he saw your brow furrow, slowly beginning to thrust bit by bit until he was fully seated in you. Both of you let out more than satisfied groans. Your walls stretched to feel every inch and ridge of him, aching in the most sinfully beautiful way, fluttering ever so lightly. Rafael let out a soft moan at the feeling, staying still until you were ready, but knowing the warmth of your wet walls was doing everything to drain all of his blood and thoughts down south.

Your hips rolled against him, a whimper leaving your lips as your clit rubbed against him, you needed more, and he was more than willing to give it to you. Your legs wrapped around his hips, pulling him deeper into you as he began to thrust against you, gently at first, making sure you were okay, but that moved on, his cock hitting spots inside you making you squeal. He circled his hips while buried inside of you, causing you to yelp, crushing his head into your shoulder as you panted beneath him. Rafael’s mouth hit your neck again, sucking against the sensitive skin, teeth grazing over it as his thrusts became more powerful and heated. 

Fuck did you ever feel good, he could hear the wetness of your pussy echoing through the room, the sound of skin on skin, panting breaths and whimpering moans and grunts. His cock twitched at the way your walls pulsed around it, one of his hands shot up, pinning yours beside your head, fingers interlocking while the other one snuck down between your bodies. A sob left your lips when he pinched your clit, your entire body felt like it was about to explode, you clenched your eyes shut, your free hand digging into the back of his neck.

“ _Oh Rafa!_ ” Your thighs trembled, wrapping so tightly you tugged him to still against you while you shook against his body. A strangled cry leaving your lips as your orgasm burst through your veins, leaving you seeing stars.

“ _Fuck.._ ” Rafael’s voice was hoarse, his cock pulsing inside you, feeling about to burst, it only took a few more pumps against your squeezing cunt before he let out a loud moan, spilling inside you. 

He stilled, his head dropping into your shoulder once again, both of you too breathless to even imagine trying to speak. You began to come to first, your fingers dancing dainty patterns along his sides and back, a hand curling into his hair to massage his scalp. You admired the gentle hum when that hand moved to his beard, scratching at it softly. Rafael kissed your neck, moving down to your shoulder as he ever so slowly rolled off you, already missing the contact. 

Your feet kicked up the blanket around the two of you, curling against his chest. There were about a million thoughts and questions running through both of your brains, but right now...the endorphins were taking lead. Rafael kissed the top of your head softly, holding his lips there for a moment, his hands softly rubbing at your back. You nuzzled into his chest deeper, wrapping your arms around him tighter.

“That was…”

“Fucking incredible.” He murmured, causing you to giggle. A few more moments of silence and breath catching went by before you spoke again, your voice quiet, mumbled against his skin.

“Hard to believe it was a _decade_ ago we disclosed…”

“Okay, now you’re just trying to make me feel old.” He shot back, making you laugh.

“Not at all..” your lips met his skin again, “just…feels like yesterday and a million years ago at the same time.”

“I know…” his heart beat failed to slow as he gained the courage for his next words, “and I’m sorry I was absent for half of it.”

“I know…” you kissed his cheek softly. The sudden blaring text tone of your phone echoed from the living room a few times, “I swear to GOD if that’s Rollins.” Shoving the blankets off, you grabbed the robe draped over the top of your closet, wrapping the satin around you as you moved through the apartment. Rafael heard you let out a frustrated groan. “Fucking Duolingo!” You appeared back in the doorway to the bedroom.

“You okay?” He asked, propping himself up against the headboard.

“Yeah.” You flashed him a smile, “but there are two fresh glasses of scotch out there…and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t starving…can we order food?” You pouted and Rafael chuckled, the resemblance to your daughter even more evident when the pout was on your lips. He moved out of the bed, kissing you quickly before pulling on his briefs.

“Dynasty still have your favourite on special on Fridays?”

“Yup!” You smirked, “and this is your treat.” A giggle escaped your lips as he rolled his eyes, following you back to the main part of the apartment. The two of you had already downed most of a bottle of scotch already, and even with the food, your heavily distracted minds figured it would be the best idea to indulge in a second bottle as you marathoned some t.v before heading back to the bedroom.


	18. Chapter 18

When you arrived at the playground the next morning you managed to swipe Amanda’s coffee out of her hand before she even realized you were next to her.

“ _Hey!_ ” She protested, “get your own.” As she grabbed it back she took in your appearance, the sunglasses darker than your usual ones. “Are you hungover?”

“Kind of?” You groaned, tugging your hair up into a top knot before your sunglasses slid up to your head.

“Is that a hickey?!”

“What? No!” Your hand shot to your neck, wincing slightly at how tender the skin still was, “Cat bashed me with a toy the other day.”

“Oh, yeah, okay.” Amanda snorted, her finger coming out to poke around the bruise, “she give ya the beard burn too?”

“What?”

“This is beard burn, and that’s a hickey!” To enunciate her point she jabbed her finger into the purpling mark.

“Ow! ‘Manda!”

“Can’t believe you were out on a hot date while I was stuck with three kids.”

“I wasn’t _out_ on a hot date, it’s not like I _planned_ this.” You snagged her coffee for another swig, “it was more a…drink…that turned into a kiss..followed by one hell of a hot make out session.”

“And some sex.” She smirked, grabbing the cup back from you.

“Steamy, steamy _hot sex_. Holy shit Amanda…I- first time I’ve ever squirted. I mean..wow..”

“Jesus! You _better_ be calling him back.” You snorted a laugh in response, Olivia’s voice cutting through just as you were about to reply.

“Hey, sorry I’m late.” She passed a tray of coffee over to the two of you. “What’d I miss?”

“Y/N’s steamy, steamy sex she had last night while I was babysitting.” You smacked Amanda’s arm as Liv laughed.

“Really?” She paused for a sip of coffee, “when’re we gonna meet him?”

“Yeah…what’s his name?” You bailed under the pressure of both women’s attention fully turned to you, slightly hiding behind your coffee cup.

“Rafael…”

“Barba!?” Amanda practically shouted. Liv inhaled a sip of coffee down the wrong tube, choking on the beverage as she shot you a glance of surprise. 

“How did that happen?” The brunette asked.

“Like I told Amanda! He came to drop something off, we had a drink and…one thing lead to another..”

“He really made you-“

“Yup.” You cut the blonde off, it was one thing kissing and telling under the umbrella of anonymity but knowing who the other person was…

“Good job Barba.” She muttered, taking a sip of coffee while she did a quick head count of the girls on the playground.

“Hope you were safe, don’t wanna end up with two whoopsie’s like this one.” Olivia teased.

“ _Hey_!”

“Believe me, the moment Cat came out, that IUD went straight back in.” You laughed.

“How drunk were you guys?” Amanda asked.

“The first time?” That got a rouse out of them, “like, three quarters of a bottle of scotch. Then we ordered food and polished off a second bottle.”

“So you guys talked about it then?” Olivia asked, a genuine interest on her face that you were unscrambling all the wires.

“Uhm…not exactly. I mean..we were kinda caught up in the after glow, ya know? Just…enjoyed each other’s company. It was nice to finally have that kind of intimacy again.”

“K, but I’m more interested in just how many more _times_ were involved.”

“Let’s just say…he was certainly making up for lost time.” You smirked, “and if you think my neck’s bad you should see my inner thigh.” Amanda lost it at that while Olivia playfully rolled her eyes, “I’m certainly not complaining about the beard.”

“You must have at least talked about it this morning?” Olivia noticed the immediate awkwardness in your eyes at her statement.

“I-uh-may have snuck out before he woke up?”

“You just left him in your apartment?!” Amanda was _fully_ invested in this now.

“He’s got keys! He can lock up himself and we’ll do that whole awkward interaction tomorrow…which will be fucking horrible because Lucia is going to catch on real quick…shit…”

“Hope you’re planning on wearing a scarf.” Liv teased and you shot her a glare that she laughed at. “You should really talk it over though. I know it’s rocky territory all things considered, but you’ve said it yourself, he’s doing a wonderful job as a Dad, which honestly…I never would have expected from Barba. You guys have been getting along so well this year. You can’t fight me on that, I’ve seen you looking at each other when the other’s not looking the exact same way you were before I even knew you were dating.”

“And you certainly got along last night.” Amanda cut in, causing you to smack her arm again, “besides, it’s not like this was some drunken one night stand where you passed out right after and did the walk of shame never to see them again. You guys were hanging out, having a good time, and you continued to after, _and_ had more sex..it was a….” she eyed you with a sly grin. You rolled your eyes knowing exactly what she was prompting you for.

“It was a four night stand…”

“I _wish_ I got that many orgasms a night.”

“If we’re counting it like that it was seven night stand.”

“Jesus.” Olivia muttered, distracting herself by double checking on the girls while Amanda howled.

“Barba’s got stamina…damn.” Amanda took a swig of coffee, “but Liv’s right. I mean, you guys were _sickeningly_ in love, it made me want to puke like..half of the time. Despite everything that’s happened, it can’t be hard to fall back in love with him.”

“Considering I never fell _out_ of love with him…no…it can’t.” Your statement was softer, and you weren’t surprised when both of the women turned toward you, though they were surprised at the very subtle glimmer of tears in your eyes suddenly. “What?” A watery chuckle left your lips, “I was alone for _so long_ , and I mean completely, family wise, not just the _‘ooo I’m lonely cause I’m single’_ kinda thing. Rafael…he was _my everything_ , he was the love of my _life_. I never thought I’d get married and there I was picking out venues and hours d’oeuvres alongside his Mother. He made me feel like I actually deserved all of that, like I deserved to be truly happy.” Amanda’s hand softly grasped yours, her thumb reassuringly rubbing against it, “he could break my heart a million times over and there would still be a part of me that loved him. If it wasn’t for Cata…I don’t know if I would’ve made it through that breakup.”

“So talk to him..” Liv softly countered, “he loved you more than anything in the world, and I know he still cares about you, and it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if he was still completely in love with you.”

“Then why did he walk away five years ago?”

The three of you all jumped at the intrusion of a new voice from behind the bench you were sitting on.

“Because he was a coward. And an idiot who was terrified, and thought the only resolution was running away.” He only had eyes for you, it was as if the other two didn’t exist in that moment, the apologies written on his face as he looked down at you.

“Raf..? How’d you even know where we were?” He grinned, holding up his phone.

“Find my Iphone…you know you _really_ should change your passwords once in a while.” You smacked at his arm with a smile, “you got a minute?” You shot a glance toward the other two women, who both nodded lightly in encouragement.

“Course.” Standing from the bench you followed him a short of enough distance that you had some privacy, “how much of that did you hear?”

“Enough.” He smiled, “you always leave your conquests alone in your apartment?” Laughing lightly you rolled your eyes, the back of your hand smacking his chest.

“No..I…was scared. I didn’t know how you’d react. Like you just said, sometimes running makes the most sense in the heat of the moment.”

“Carino…” his hand stroked down your arm softly, “I know I’ve apologized a million times over about everything, and that they’re empty words by now, but I do need you to know that I was being incredibly fucking stupid. I was terrified that I’d be sent to jail, that you would hate me for what I did, that even if I got off, you would want nothing to do with me anymore. I was utterly ashamed at the entire thing, and for some idiotic reason I felt like I couldn’t show my face here anymore…even to the people I love the most.”

“Love?” Your voice was barely above a whisper, “as in…present tense?”

“Oh Hermosa…” hand stroked your cheek ever so softly, “every. Single. Day. I would look at this and remind myself how much I love you, and pray that you still loved me. And since being back, being with you and Cata, it’s meant so much more.” Your brow scrunched as he reached inside his coat, 

“What’re you-“

A little laminated card was between his finger and thumb, the colour catching your attention first, your breath hitching in your throat as your hand shot to your mouth. The other one gently grasped it as your eyes moved up to his illuminating emerald ones. You flipped the card over and your suspicions were confirmed. It was _the_ purple post it…the one you’d made as an impromptu Christmas tree ornament on your first Christmas together, the words _‘I love you always’_ scrawled across it in your hand writing.

“You kept it?” You could feel the tears brimming in your eyes, just daring to escape.

“I was a moron for walking out on you, I needed a part of you to hold onto, to selfishly help me through everything. That little note…I keep it on me always. I look at it every day and the little part of me that prays you’ll be able to forgive me eventually reminds me that each time…you said _‘always’_ and I said ‘ _forever’_..and that there was some slim chance you’d still feel like that, even after I fucked up so horribly.”

“Rafael…” His thumb stroked softly at your cheek and suddenly the entire world vanished, your voice soft and wavery, but he knew you meant it when you spoke, “I’ll never stop loving you.” It was when you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, pulling him into you for a deep kiss that the wolf whistles echoed through the park. The hand you had around his bicep shifted so you were discreetly flipping off Amanda and Olivia, the laughter of the situation evident on your lips, causing Rafael to smile against you, kissing your head softly as you moved away, your blushing face turning toward your friends before it turned back to him.

“I love you forever y/n.” You giggled softly, rocking up on your toes to peck his lips.

“And I love you always.”

Truthfully, there were still a lot of logistics to work through, but that was to be expected in a situation like this. The following day Lucia certainly did give you shit for sleeping together before actually figuring things out, but she was at least happy that you were working things out romantically, that you would actually be a family again. Catalina wasn’t really aware to what was going on at first, she was young enough it didn’t really affect her, she was just happy to know a few months down the road that Papi was moving in and she got to spend all her time with both of you. The squad was all in support of it, even Calhoun gave you a soft _‘congratulations’_ when she passed you in the courthouse. 

Everything fell into place easier than you’d expected it, there was no way you could be happier than you were now, and there was no place Rafael would rather be than at home with his family. One that he never thought he’d ever have, but one that he adored more than anything in the world. The day he moved into the apartment you had a small shadow box style frame ready and waiting alongside a stack of purple post its. Once everything was settled and you’d finished off the pizza Cata was oh so excited about for dinner you had her write her own little I love you message on a fresh post it.

The three of them found their way into the frame, _‘I love you always’_ beside the _‘I love you forever’_ the coloured in heart sitting underneath between them, bringing your little family together, there was absolutely nothing that could tear you apart now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is officially the end of the story.  
> There IS an alternate ending I will eventually be working on that starts off the same as ch 15, but takes a turn midway through. So..stay tuned! 😉


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